How can I talk my friend out of this (mega) cocklodging scenario?

[Treatscatscrave]

I've a friend who is separated from her husband who lives alone with her toddler.
She has entered into a fwb type arrangement with a 30-something guy she met at a local pub.
This 'arrangement'- no commitment 'just mates' thing has gone on for a couple of years.
So what? You may say but this guy IS a real no-hoper: no job, no prospects, uni drop out, still living at home at 34.
Again, so what you may say but, here's the thing, his mum wants him out (understandably!!)). She wants him to go away to do a course in another part of the country that lasts a few months when lockdown ends.
Naturally, he doesn't want to do it.
Here's the unbelievable but true part: he has suggested to my friend that instead of going on this course he PRETENDS he is on it but hides in her house instead!! I can't believe this but my mate is besotted by him and is considering it. Ugh!
This is such a recipe for disaster. I know, I know, she is an adult so I guess this is half vent, half advice post.

I don't want this loser hurting her but is there anything I can do to convince her what a bad idea this is?

When this thread fills up with posters decrying his cocklodgery, show her! If she sees lots of people saying what a wankstain he is, she's more likely to take notice rather than if it just came from you.

He sounds like an absolute waste of space.

If he would go to such lengths to lie to his mother, what would he do to get something out of your friend?
Any chance that might make her reconsider?

I don't think there's much you can do when someone is 'besotted' like that, your DF sounds totally lacking in self esteem in that she will accept a few crumbs from this useless man. I know someone like her - eventually her DC were removed from her care yet she still stayed in a relationship with the man.

You could try asking her how she would feel in the future if she was the mother and her own child grew up like that .... but really, would she listen?

He sounds like a huge child, what on earth does she see in him? Purposely avoiding bettering himself by avoiding the course is so unattractive!

I’d be telling her straight - how would he even contribute to bills etc? Sounds like he expects a free ride!

Does she get any benefits as a single parent, him living with her full time would affect that, that could be a good starting point if it’s relevant because she’d have to declare him living there

If your friend goes along with this she will be knowingly inviting a deceitful, disrespectful, lying user into her home. Tell her to look at a photograph of herself when she was a little girl, really look into that innocent face and ask if she would want that little girl to be used and abused.

He's charming and not bad-looking I suppose. Her self-esteem is low at present.
He's prepared to use her like this AND lie to his own mother. Who would be labouring under the mistaken belief he's doing something at last.
I'm not that judgemental but he's utter scum.

She's obviously flattered as he is good looking and her self esteem is low. If he moves in he probably won't ever move out ! All you can do is give her a list of reasons why it's a bad idea . Tell her the neighbours might dob her in for claiming benefits .

You probably can't talk her out of it, and she might double down if you try.

Distraction might be better? Hard at the moment but try to remind her of all the other great things she has in her life. If she builds her confidence in other places she'll be less dependant of him and able to see him for what he is.

She’s planning to move this loser in with her child? Poor kid

Can you point out that if he’ll lie to his own mother in order to avoid responsibility and get his own way, why wouldn’t he lie to her..?

You can't. It's so clear that he's a pathetic user that the only reason she can't see it is that she is absolutely determined not to.

You can't help people when they've chosen that. All you can do is hope they come to their senses quickly. Look at people in their 50s or 60s who convince themselves that the 20 year old they met on their exotic holiday really truly loves them and is in no way after their money.
Or the people who fall for the American soldier they 'meet' on the internet who needs huge loans and doesn't seem to be able to speak English very well.

People see what they want to see and get VERY angry when you suggest they might be being stupid.

You have to wait for them to run out of money basically.

Then wear a rubber band round your wrist and ping it every time you get the urge to say I Told You So.

You say she is only separated? What effect would her having his loser in the house have on the divorce settlement?

Is he even telling the truth about what he's suggesting? The man sounds like a walking red flag.

You can’t make her do anything she doesn’t want, and I doubt she wants to hear anything that challenges her view of him. Might be worth talking about how she thinks their life together will be and if she’s on board with lying to his mum why that is. The reality is at 34 he’s not likely to change but I’ll bet she thinks he will if he’s living with her - you can only be there to pick up the pieces when it inevitably falls apart.

Have known a few women put up with men that use them over the years. These are are intelligent women but with poor self esteem. That self esteem is linked to dysfunctional childhoods, an abusive ex or they think they are unattractive or a combination of all three.

I did say something to them, they didn’t take kindly to it. One was a childhood friend, she married her loser and a decade later when she ditched him she told me I was right. It was zero triumph to have that acknowledged it was just incredibly sad. Another lost her home when she divorced. You watch your friends walk in to these obviously terrible relationships and it’s utterly horrible.

This man sounds dreadful, you can tell her but she probably won’t listen.

This is the sencond time you've posted about this. Not sure the answers are going to be different this time around, or what you are expexting from asking the same question again?

She is BVU to move some random pub loser into a house with her toddler. Disgraceful.

What Sheleg said in her first post. It's so sad that some women take leave of their senses to prop up men who don't care a hoot for them.

Treatscatscrave's friend, Wake up! What on earth are you thinking?

I hope her stbx h finds out and takes action to protect the toddler

This bloke could so easily be grooming her to get to the kid!

@Treatscatscrave’S friend. You’re an idiot if you go into this, you can lose EVERYTHING in a heartbeat

Wake the fuck up!