How to support someone grieving

[ScottishStottie]

Looking for tips on how best to support dp as he is grieving his mum. Its all still very recent (funeral was this week) and i feel so useless in helping him.

Im trying to be as 'normal' as possible as hes said he doesnt want to mope and our house is his safe space to be normal. But today he has been very down, quiet and not really engaging with anything.

I totally get that this is normal and he is allowed to be down and have days like this, but how do i support best?

If im being normal it just feels uncomfortable as he is so clearly not normal, just seems really insensitive. But if im quiet too it just feels like im sitting on tenterhooks, just watching him to make sure hes ok...

I dont really think talking about it would help either, i think he is just feeling a bit rubbish and wants to wallow a bit, which i get, i just want to not make things worse for him...

Any tips or advice from anyone who has gone through similar, or is currently going through this?

I buried my mum last week. She died before Christmas. Im back at work and trying to be normal. Im raging inside because everything just carries on.

Im very up and down and trivial things upset me. But generally dont treat me with kid gloves. BE normal, but be patient with me when it all gets too much.

Life goes on, they live in our hearts

I just made sure he ate, showered, raked when he wanted to and supported him with all of the practical stuff, funeral arrangements, finances, closing accounts, paying bills & debts, letting council tax, gas, water people know etc.
He was pretty tied up with all of that for many weeks and of course full time work so I helped as much as I could with whatever he needed.

We talked about his mum a lot too.

Raked!! Talked!!

Don't be afraid to mention his mum. Many people don't mention the one who has passed for fear of upset. But it's the nicest thing you can do. They'll tell you if they find it too hard.

Sorry if that's obvious as it's your DP but wanted to put it out there for anyone else looking at the post.

I find just letting them do what they want or need is the best way. Let them take the lead. Make sure they eat and drink though. Provide them with their favourite things. A snuggly blanket goes a long way too if they're actively at home.

Getting out for a walk is always beneficial too I find. But obviously that's dependent on where you are and lockdown rules.

Maybe a favourite TV show in the background or for escapism?

If they don't want to shift themselves at all prompt them to do a small chore. E.g put the bins out. Unload the dishwasher. Nothing too taxing but something productive. To try and keep some pattern of normality.

For some just sleep is what is needed.

Also, if they're not overly responsive ask closed questions. Something that requires a simple yes or no to begin with. Or offer a this or that option. Such as would you like a coffee or a glass of water?

Anything that saves them brain space is good. Sometimes when we grieve we can't make the simplest of choices so that can ease a load too.

Unfortunately there's no one size fits all approach, hence all the random suggestions.

Also... Offload your worries into a trusted friend. You can't support DP with a full load.

Hope something works.

Thank you everyone for the advice. Its just difficult as normally im a 'fixer' when theres a problem, but i cant fix this.

I think i need to let him be alone and quiet when he wants to be, he can be quite internal with stuff, but he is talking to me as well so im not too worried when hes just quiet iykwim.

Last night we put on a tv show and i just chatted and made little obsevations about it, and he nodded along or verbally agreed with my observations, although we both knew he wasnt really watching it.

Its unfortunate that we are both furloughed atm, being stuck in the house with lots of spare time isnt a good thing i dont think

I have lost both my parents now, dad 7 years ago, mum to covid late last year.

After the funeral is a strange time, after the death there is the shock, a flurry of activity and messages of sympathy etc, then after the funeral it all dissipates and you are left feeling a bit alone to deal with your grief.

You are right being furloughed is not a good thing. Most people aren't keen to get back to "normal" after the death of a parent, as it is hard, but it is also good to start working on the new normal and gently getting back into work, even with the brain fog, helps to stop falling into a state of wallowing.

When dh's mum died 2 years ago he was self employed and took more time off that was good for him, he fell into wallowing and ended up staying up at night and drinking alone too much too, a depressant, which made things much worse for a while. Watch out for this.

All you can do is be patient and let him work out his own way to grieve and adjust. Suggest things you can do to give him something to think about and make him productive and not wallow. Any DIY to do? etc. Depends what he is into.

The issue we have is that dp used to smoke a lot of weed. Had been off it for over a year but had it when his mum died, and told himself tht he would stop after the funeral. We're here now and he feels awful, a mix of normal grief and the weed withdrawal.

Im not fussed usually, but he has a bad reaction to long term use, after a few months he gets severe vomiting/stomach pain and ends up in hopsital with severe debydration and low potassium.

Is there anything a doctor could do to help him stay off the weed while hes feeling so low? I think anti depressants would help but dont know if they would be prescribed on a short ish term for grief?

The weed, understandably was a crutch, but wont have helped, after a few weeks I had a bit of a blunt conversation with dh, told him he was wallowing, told him alcohol was a depressant and making him worse and it was horrible to watch him. He admitted he was wallowing, just needed someone to say it. It helped that I had lost a parent myself and he knew I knew how painful, almost physical that grief could be so he took my remarks in the way intended and started finding this way back to his new normal.

Only your dp knows if he needs to contact a GP for more support.

The devil makes work for idle hands. Furlough and too much time on his hands is a huge issue, he needs something to give his mind decent breaks from "just" grieving, I would have tried try this first with dh before a GP, but I dont know how much your dp is struggling.