No friends - 8 year old son

[govind123]

My son is not perfect, but is genuinely caring, funny and intelligent has been struggling with friends since year 2. He is despondent & feels he's doing something wrong. Pre lock down he seemed to get friendly with one or two boys then gets rejected/excluded. He can't sit with them at lunch, their games,etc. These boys & girls seem to form a clique and my son is never part of that. I've stopped asking for play dates as I get excuses ( prelockdown). Now I see play dates happening on Zoom and he's never invited. Hate to see him like this and the issue keeps coming back. Any advice please??

I feel for you, as DS1 was very similar. He has just started senior school & really found his niche there as he was with lots of children from different schools.

This may well be the case for your DS too, but in the meantime there are other things you can try, although limited in lockdown. First of all, sign him up to activities - Cubs or similar, drama, sport (especially team sport like football). Lots of these are still happening online, and might be a way of him meeting new people. Also, try going to local playgrounds, as they are open. He might play with children there & even if not will enjoy the fresh air.

The other thing I would say is just to not make a big deal of it & give him confidence in himself, that shines through & people are often attracted to confident people.

That's a shame op

When you say he's not perfect, is there anything you think he's doing that might be making other kids not want to be friends, anything you can help him with?

Just like other aspects of learning, socialising is trickier for some kids than others.

I liken it to the way some kids are naturally good at reading or maths...and others need extra time and advice to get up to speed.

I have two DC who both found socialising easy. They've both attended and still attend quite small schools where the parents have always been friendly and shared our issues.

What I've learned from watching and helping with children who found socialising harder is a number of things...

They're not always easy to hear...for you I mean. Because obviously, your son has the lovely qualities you mentioned...such as being caring and funny and bright.

But when it comes to the complex social rules which children live by, these attributes aren't always enough.

There are 'accepted' forms of communication and complicated hierachies which some children can naturally seem to pick up...these are the children who find making friends easier.

Now is a particularly awkward time for kids...it's not like he can go to clubs and activities outside school....the best advice I can give is to talk to him about friendships and find out where he thinks he might be going wrong.

Genuinely listen to him...what might sound like something silly to us is actually deeply important to children.

For example, there was a little girl in DD's class when they were about 9 and this little girl just could not fit in. The others kept rejecting her.

Her Mum had been bullied in school and she told me that she was very depressed about the situation so I told my DD we were having her round for tea one day and I watched them play with another local child.

The little girl's issue was that she was coming over as boastful and bossy...now she didn't know that...in her mind she was just sharing the things she was proud of and also trying to take a leading hand in the games.

But she lacked finesse...she didn't understand how to share leadership or discuss the rules of a game and include others.

So I was honest with her Mother and her Mother could then focus on helping her to play more effectively.

I'm not saying I am personally responsible for this child's progress by now they're all 12 and she is MUCH better socially. She matured a lot and is more able to relax.

Does your son give any reason for the rejection? Are the other kids saying anything?

This won't work at the moment but what really helped my dd was having lots of 1:1 playmates as she found it easier to make friends that way.

When the schools are back I would speak to his teacher about supporting him to build friendships.

Could you initiate a fun zoom chat for a race to complete a game or a silly dance session or chat with hot chocolate or something with two or three children? If in fun, takes pressure of friendship s and focus on just having fun with silly activities.
Probably not practical but can you change to a smaller school ? Sometimes when children can start again if treated as a new adventure and at a smaller school, it gives them an opportunity to have more confidence to start again and build friendship. Of course sometimes it can also destabilise and bring on anxiety due to being the newcomer. Friends are very important, it’s great you are on his side and you are there to help.

Yes echo @StompythedinosaurI would suggest to teacher that he is always paired up with someone when goes out to play, makes all the difference.

@govind123
How did things go for your son? Have things improved for him?

We are having similar issues with DS9. We had no issues up to Y2, he was very sociable and popular. Loves Cubs. Football training etc.

He moved to a new school in Y3, started to make friends then we went into lockdown. When he went back in Y4 after the first lockdown he was in a new class (90 chn in the year so lots of mixing!). Lockdown happened again! Things were ok returning post lockdown, though I sensed he didn't have any real friendships.

Y5 has just been awful. I've had to go in to school in Oct as two boys were bullying him and making his life a misery. The school dealt with it really well but he just doesn't seem to have any friends.
He tells me that the boys in his year are just not nice but I find it hard to believe that all 40 of them can be unpleasant!

He can sometimes be hard to get along with at home - he's quite argumentative, always right, anxious and sensitive and I wonder if this is at the bottom of it or whether he just hasn't gelled with these children and it's been made worse with moving schools and the lockdowns etc.

He is asking to move schools but I'm not sure if we would end up in the same situation if some of it comes down to his interpersonal skills. Plus they will all be back together at secondary school.
Also it would be a logistical nightmare as his younger brother is happy and settled at the school and I'm not sure how I would manage two drop offs/pick ups.

Anyone been through similar? Not sure what to do for the best. I'm going to speak to his teacher but I'm not sure what she can do to be honest.