Have you left a place you loved?

[KBILLY]

I am feeling very conflicted right now and could use some words of wisdom - or at least here some "I've been there"s.

We live in the US, in a very "naice" part of a major Midwest city. It's a terrific community in our neighborhood; we have good friends a few doors away and it's the kind of place where if my kids had an emergency they could go to any house on our block. Lots of socializing with neighbors, etc. We've lived here about five years. House ticks all of our boxes, though a larger garden/more space would be nice.

Kids recently moved (before covid) from catholic (private) schools to the local public (state) schools. My kids are in year 8, 5 and 2. Local public schools are decent, but being in the city, there are lots of additional issues that any urban schools face. Lots of poverty among the kids, for a start. More issues with fighting, discipline etc. Test scores are good (for the white kids, at least) but the facilities are much more run down and resources limited. As an example - most suburban school districts were doing hybrid or in-person schooling until around December, when COVID rates skyrocketed. Not our schools - there wasn't enough money to hire additional staff to support social distancing so the schools have been closed completely since March.

It's been a very traumatic time for our city following the death of George Floyd and the resulting protests, riots and violence. The crime rate is staggering within the city. Our cleaning lady was carjacked in broad daylight a street over from us. There was a shooting at the local middle school parking lot. Stabbing at our gas station.

Between the crime and the schools, we feel that it's time to leave the city and head to the suburbs. Crime rate where we're looking is very low, schools have money out the wazoo and it shows. Terrific extra-curriculars and among the highest test scores in the country. Rationally, it makes sense. But I'm just so sad about it. So much of my identity is as a "city" person and not a mom-Jean wearing suburbanite (I'm kidding for effect, but I think you'll understand what I mean.) I love urban density and walkability and we'll be giving that up. Public transport links aren't as good (although frankly hell would freeze over before I'd let my kids on a city bus right now.)

This is such a head v heart decision. I'm really struggling. We had the photos taken for our house today and I feel like crying. My 12 year old wants to move, 9 year old doesn't, 6 year old doesn't care. 12 year old started a new school only 6 months before lockdown so she hasn't really built a core group of friends that she'll miss. It feels like a good decision for the kids but not for me 🙁

I don't live in the US but I moved from a small European capital city to a very small UK city 12 years ago (and to the suburbs). We moved for dh's dream job. I felt completely homesick today - I miss larger city life even after a decade. However where we live is much safer and has better schooling and work-life balance. It's much better for ds and family life in general. I know how you feel OP.

Currently got insomnia here OP. It's 3.45 here.

Blimey I'd be moving away so fast! That level of crime and violence would terrify me.

From what you've described crime wise, it doesn't sound like you've had much choice really.

Maybe it's more common in the UK to move from inner city ( as I did once I'd had a baby) to suburbs. I wouldn't think twice about it. We moved because of schools and also because our neighbours we are younger and liked to party. Great community feel but not so great when you have a baby. Thankfully we didn't have to move because of the crime. That sounds bloody scary.

I live in a place that sounds very similar to yours.
Our dc go to a private school which removes the school issues for us.
We have a steady trickle of friends who move to the suburbs for school and crime reasons.
I wouldn't get as much out of living in the burbs and they can be a real bubble.
But there will be lots of people for you to make friends with because it is a very common thing to do.

I do understand the dilemma, to some extent, although I've never had to actually make such a decision and don't have DCs to take into account. I think if I were you, and I was seriously worried about my DCs physical safety, I would move - I'm a cautious person and I couldn't live with constant anxiety. The school issue would also sway me. When your DCs are grown up, you can move somewhere that is right for you (and your DH/DP - sounds like you do have one?). OTOH you would be giving up an awful lot, as you say: the great neighborhood, all your local friends, being able to walk places, the culture and buzz of a city. And politically, are you conflicted about moving from a very diverse demographic to, presumably, a much whiter community? Again I guess from what you say that you and your family are white.

DP and I live in inner London, I've been in the city all my life, am mid-60s now and DP a few years older. We live in a very mixed - i.e. great poverty and deprivation, also plenty of wealth and very desirable - area where I've been for 30 years. Live on a mostly great street, v convenient location, love our house although it's not going to be a good place to be old and frail. Many friends nearby and brilliant neighbours. Local issues that drive me nuts: littering including fast food dumped on pavements and in gutters, dog waste, anti-social behaviour, very densely populated so pavements get packed, a lot of traffic with choked roads (last two applicable in normal times, not so much now). Crime levels are high now, but DP and I are statistically not very likely to be victims.

So we do think of moving, either right out to a much smaller town, or maybe just to the outskirts of the city, but there's so much to weigh up. It would be leaving the neighbours that I'd really hate.

Whatever you decide, I hope everything works out fine for all of you.

I moved away from family and friends I love the new place too but I miss my people and being involved in everyday life

Still settling in new place and Covid hasn't helped with making friends etc but I think it was a good decision for us

Takes time when you move you will enjoy the new place I didn't start feeling home sick for about a year after we moved

We moved to Australia from a town I loved, was living in front of school, and we had people in the house every single day, sometimes as many as 20 between parents and children.
We had to move as posting ended, but my heart is still shattered, even after years. And the border closure makes it 1000 times worse as can't live.
Kids are happy here, but they weren't unhappy before.
It is hard to balance the family's happiness and best interest with your own happiness.

Thank you so much for your responses everyone. It's good to hear that people "get it". DH really doesn't see my personal conflict - partly because he's an introvert so doesn't value the community stuff the way I do, and partly because for him the safety issue is key. Our council recently - in the middle of a crime wave - voted to "defund the police" and I fear that things here will get worse before they get better. But then I wonder if I'm overreacting to the crime. What if this is all covid- related and by the end of the year it's settled down?

@Halfagonyhalfhope - how did you reconcile yourself to the "it's better for the kids but not for me" feeling.

@snowliving Thanks for the reassurance about meeting friends. I am so worried that we won't meet like-minded people.

I’ve never left a place I loved, although I love some of the places I’ve left. Looking at them on google maps street view has helped.

Hello,

I was reading your post and it struck me that I have had to contend with a lot of the same decisions in the last 3 years and it sounds like you live somewhere similar to where I did recently. In 2018 we moved as a family from London to a western suburb of Minneapolis. We did it for the schools and because our younger daughter (4 at the time) has special needs and we thought it would be best for her. I was very conflicted about leaving city life behind and trying somewhere more suburban. I think we ended up picking the wrong suburb and I kicked myself for two years wishing we had moved to the city. Reading your post it sounds like the grass is not always greener and at the moment the city comes with significant problems as well. In the suburb we chose there was a complete lack of diversity and I had never experienced that before. Most people were from the state and often had grown up and gone to the schools in that town. It felt very small and everyone seemed to know each other. some people love this and there is a warm community feel about it. In the end, this summer we packed up and came back to London. I think what I learned is it’s good to give things a try but if they aren’t working it’s great to make a change. It sounds like you are at the point where you need to make a change. I also learned that not all suburbs are created equal so my advice would be to really check out the culture of each area. I really wish I had spent more time doing this. I think it would have made all the difference. All the best to you.

I haven't entirely reconciled it kbilly but I've taken on the mantra 'Bloom where you are planted'. Realistically we can't move back home as dh's job is very niche. DC are happy every day and we have more time to see them living in a smaller place. But I am looking at ways of having more tastes of what I like through travel even if I can't replicate it day on day here. Life is long though and one day when they are grown there maybe a chance to move to a bigger city. X

I think the problem kbilly is that you will be losing your tribe. I never quite found my tribe after my move here and DH is so busy with work that it's not a problem for him. As trace said though you can give things a try and if it's not working move on.

We live in the US, in a very "naice" part of a major Midwest city. It's a terrific community in our neighborhood; we have good friends a few doors away and it's the kind of place where if my kids had an emergency they could go to any house on our block. Lots of socializing with neighbors, etc.

I was struck by this bit of your post. We live in a small town outside a US city, somewhat suburban, and we have all of this plus excellent schools, don't have to lock our doors, etc. When I was rushed into hospital while DH was out of the country, my kids were picked up by my neighbour and stayed there overnight. Everyone knows everyone.

You'll probably have to get used to driving an Odyssey or a Sienna though. Sorry. You could get the new 3-row Subaru or a Pilot but you'll sacrifice boot space - you're better off just accepting the inevitable soccer mom vehicle.

There's really no need for anyone to wear mom jeans though. You'll probably end up in yoga wear though.

My kids all learnt to drive at 15, and passed their tests at 16, but up to that point I spent a lot of time driving.

It's totally been worth it but once my youngest hits 18 I'm out of here... My plan is to get a small house by a lake, or a house back in the city.

I don't feel like you have much of a choice. The city you loved is gone. It isn't there anymore. This happens from time to time. But you can't let the nostalgia influence your decision. Time to move on.

@trace4545 Would you mind if I messaged you?

@ZZTopGuitarSolo I already drive a Sienna 😀 Well I did, until it was stolen from outside my house 6 months ago ☹️

You know that moving is the right thing to do right now if it's not a safe place to live in anymore for you and your DC.

You can always move again if you really dislike the new area but I'd get out fast if that was me.

It’s tricky, isn’t it? We are currently in an extremely safe part of North America. We have a very nice lifestyle here. But... I for one am bored and lonely and unstimulated and restless. (I grew up in London). We are considering moving to the nearest city, 2 hours away. It’s grubby and crowded and crime-ridden and expensive but it feels ALIVE in a way that our current town doesn’t. So for us it’s a toss-up between being safe and being happy.

We still don’t know what we’ll do. For the children I guess the suburbs sound better but you also have to think of your own happiness.

You can message me. No problem

I think the children's safety is the priority. You can't even imagine how bad, drugs and exploitation can be for adolescents. I know the city life is good for you, but it is diminishing because of the pandemic and isn't going to improve anytime soon. So much of life is online now, there are university lectures free and art galleries online too. I know it's not the same as socialising face to face. But as the book the 'Nurture Assumption' found, peer groups are most influential for teens.

Crikey. I live in one of the poorest parts of the uk, with lots of petty crime but I can seriously say I don’t feel unsafe.
Culturally there’s not a lot going on, but it’s not too far away if we want it.
Although there’s nothing thanks to covid anywhere
Op I couldn’t live in a place where I didn’t feel safe.
Your little community sounds lovely but you can find that again in other places.

I had a house in kissimmee Florida for 9 years. It was lovely, this one here would have fitted into that one twice plus.
I hated having to leave it. While we didn’t have the time to build up a community spirit because of our 3-4 visits a year and the fact there were a lot of rental homes, I felt a move to celebration a community down the road would’ve ticked more boxes had we been residents.
I’d pick safety over culture any day.

Yes, I miss my Florida house but not enough to move there permanently and leave my kids in the uk.

It’s a tough one but you’ve got to keep them safe. I couldn’t live with that permanent level of anxiety

Just to update: we were due to list our house tomorrow but we had a couple of "pre-list" showings at the weekend. Believe it or not, we received an offer at full asking price and we close in early April.

I've had the odd panic attack, as well as lots of tears, but I'm actually starting to feel excited about the future as well. Thanks for all of your comments!