The ghost of fertility issues rearing its ugly head

[Willow4987]

I’m not really sure where to post this or what I’m looking for really but just need to get it out

Back story...struggled for 4 years to conceive and ended up having ICSI for DS1 and then DS2 was a little natural miracle

A considerable amount of my NCT group are all pregnant with their seconds at the same time and I feel odd about it.

I’m happy for them all but I’ve got this sort of strange niggling feeling in the back of my mind/heart and it’s similar to jealousy

I’m beyond grateful for my sons after what we went through to get here but every time someone announces a pregnancy I feel this shadow of a feeling I can only relate to when I was still struggling to conceive DS1. And the closest feeling I can relate it to is sad/jealousy

It’s completely irrational but it just brings back some really unpleasant memories

I think I’m also struggling with the fact that DS2 was born at the start of the pandemic so we’ve been really isolated for the last year

And ultimately, if practicalities all lined up, I’d want a 3rd child. I think seeing everyone having them together sort of makes me feel a bit lonely as I was the first to have a second who will now be 18 months older than most of the groups second babies.

I know it doesn’t make sense but I’m struggling to put aside the ghost of infertility (even after having my boys) and trying not to wish for the 3rd child when many struggle to get one (and I know how hard that can be) but it’s so hard to stay rationale. I feel driven by instinct and maybe trauma due to the past fertility issues

I’m sorry for the rambling, I just really need to get it out

I can relate, I'm so envious of people who get to plan their families I.e. have sex and then conceive at a time of their choosing. I feel they are so fortunate and have no idea what other people go through. Although perhaps it's same with any traumatic experience or disability, if you haven't been through it then you take it for granted.

I’m really struggling to move past it.

The desire for another is still there but timings are off at the moment and seeing other people pregnant just brings back some uncomfortable feelings

I think they will take a long time to go away to be honest, for me it was the realise of how unfair life can be. It was a big lesson and in some ways I'm glad I learned it, we all do at some point, and in different ways I suppose.