Lockdown meltdown agressive tween , not coping

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

My DS1 is 12, nearly 13
he has had emotional issues for a while (ex left a year ago, was abusive, my sons MH was what finally gave me the strength to end it), and I'm accessing what help i can get, including parenting course, therapy

we did see some improvements since both the therapy/parenting course
However this weekend, something cracked
Firstly, I admit I lost my temper, both DS were fighting over food, DS1 said a shocking thing and I did lose temper. I admit it, there are so many times I can stay calm and diffuse, and then I eventually crack, and I wish to god I didn't
bit his reaction to this is disproportionate

• screaming abuse at me
• saying he wants to die
• calling me a fat fuckling cunt whore

- literally losing his shit at everything -throwing things, breaking things

I feel like I'm back in my abusive relationship again, like he is his dad.

So I feel guilty for losing temper yesterday, and think maybe I'm wrong, so I'm not cracking down
But i have to
Im actually quite scared of him, and for what his future and MH is like

ive told him that the next violent incident will result in Switch confiscation

I don't know what to do, he literally blames me for everything
has anyone had this, and come through the other side?

I literally get so triggered as he is JUST LIKE HIS DAD

oh you poor thing. remember he is not his dad and you are bringing up a different person and how you deal with this is key to changing his entrenched impulse behaviour. I dont have any specific advice but my tween girl is a similar age and very hormonal! I have:

• let her excercise with a friend once a week ( they walk together, its a drive away but I go to the supermarket near her friend as a pretence so it doesn't look like big deal)
• found an outdoor activity which is still going (horse mucking out basically)

bought her her favourite things to eat when I can, not all the time but enough to show she's special

• watched films she wants to watch

just saying there might be ways to connect with him on his own terms somehow...sorry if this advice is no good but you get the gist hope it gets better for you it sounds really tough for you

sorry meant to say my dd has been violent to me beofre and i didnt sanction her, we did talk about it and its got better, fingers crossed, with those coping strategies

I am so sorry, I have nearly 13 years old too, and yes, sometimes he does have meltdowns.
But difference is, I am not afraid of him, and he isn't violent.
I think you both suffer from abusive ex, you being afraid of violent outburst, and your ds has been raised abusive person as a role model and don't know how to handle emotion properly?
I don't know what to advice, but sounds like you both may need some help from professionals?

It's absolutely not ok for your ds to be using a us I've language towards you.

It maybe this is because his male role model has led to him believe this I how men act?

I also wonder if because he reacts like his dad you go into fight or flight mode and this causes more of his outbursts? As in he needs the firm boundaries but if your out of control then he does the same?

I would talk to him when he's calm. What does he think about his behaviour? Can he tell you why he reacts that way?

I don't think either is to blame but you e all been through hell and it takes time to find a new balance and way of being.

The next one? What were the consequences for this one?
His behaviour yesterday was completely unacceptable. Yes, he's a child, but a child this age can not behave like that, and he knows it's completely unacceptable.

Has he apologised at all?

I would apologise to him for losing your temper - show him how to take responsibility for his behaviour by taking responsibility for yours.
He is really angry still and really could do with more therapy if that is at all possible ( I don't know if it's ongoing) and specifically help with his anger. He is taking it out on you and blaming you for everything because you are there, he feels it is safe to do so and he needs somewhere for his anger to go. It's a positive that he feels safe enough to do that but it needs careful handling. He needs strategies to handle his anger. Does he blame you for staying with your ex? If so I think you could really do with some family therapy to help him see that you were both victims.

I’ve apologised , I always do
I’ve said I am only human and he pushes me so far
He just throws everything back at me
I totally struggle to discipline him
I have a real blocker and I don’t know why , a hangover from my ex ?
But yes I must seperate his behaviour from my ex , it’s triggering and not helpful
I think on some level he is heavily reliant on me so when i let him down he can’t take it

I feel like the worse parent