I wish DS had a mute button

[Fleurchamp]

My DS is 5, yr1 and has no diagnosed autism/ adhd etc - if I have ever raised concerns about his behaviour (HV, GP and SENCO) I am basically told it is me, not him.

Anyway, homeschooling now. It is a nightmare getting him to sit still etc but I get that a lot of people have the same issues.

The one thing that is really affecting me is the noise. He starts the day shouting (it is how he gets our attention) - silly noises, he doesn't call for us just makes a sound like a fog horn or a siren or something. It wakes the whole house, at 6am, sometimes earlier. If we ask him to go back to bed/ play in his room he sometimes does so but he has to shout and bash toys as loudly as possible. On his more obnoxious days he will stand at the end of our bed hooting or squawking until one of us gets up.

Sigh. It sets my nerves on edge from the minute I wake up.

From then on it is a constant barrage of noise. He doesn't talk at a normal volume. When not talking he is squawking or chirping or screaming (for no reason). If you say no to him for anything he will just follow you about the house asking over and over for the same thing, crying and having tantrums (this can be over the smallest thing but is often food - he is well fed, he eats as much as I do but he has a fixation on not being given what he deems his fair share).

Sometimes he just bashes toys together for no reason except to make a loud noise.

I feel rattled by the time he goes to bed. My jaw aches from clenching my teeth.

I have a younger DD who can be loud but not in the constant way that her brother is.

DH works from home FT and is always complaining to me about the noise - I cannot control it at all!

He does it when we are out too - shouts at random people and dogs (!) or just generally. It is getting embarrassing because he isn't a toddler anymore and is big for his age and looks older than he is.

School tell me he is not like it there.

Anyone had one like this? Did they magically grow out of it?

Even now he is watching TV but still letting out shrieks and squeaks and jumping around the sofa.
Aargh just be quiet for 5 minutes!

That does sound exactly like my ADHD DS, sorry! I know you said you've had concerns dismissed - what other concerns were there? They do need to have symptoms in at least two contexts but it doesn't have to be specifically school and home, and it doesn't have to be the same issues.

He is 12 now and not quite as bad (spends all day shouting at his friends online instead ) but if he gets bored or understimulated it comes back.

My ds has adhd and it does sound very similar. However, it wasn't until he was in y3 that the school got on board and started the ball rolling wrt his diagnosis.

Has he had his hearing checked?

@BertieBotts boredom could well be the issue - we are all bored!
My concerns were/are -(apart from the noise and inability to sit still) he has never been one for eye contact, he isn't affectionate and can be quite violent. He flaps his hands when he is feeling anxious. He is very anxious - he has about 5 things he feels happy watching on TV because so many things scare him. This term's project at school has been superheroes but he just can't join in because he is scared of them.

I try so hard to be calm and patient but it feels a bit like I am shellshocked. Last lockdown was easier as we spent a lot of time outside and school work wasn't pushed in quite the same way.

@TwoZeroTwoZero he has had his hearing checked - he had his sight and hearing checked when he started school because of his failure to respond to his name and not looking at the smart board.
Both were fine.

Oh yeah, you have to say his name at least 5 times to get him to even look at you.

It does sound like he has some autism traits, perhaps with adhd as well, but I'm not a paediatrician so don't take my word for it.

In terms of practical support, some things that help my ds and that help children at school:

Short tasks interspersed with regular, timetabled breaks

A visual, easy to follow timetable and possibly a checklist of tasks that he has to tick off as he goes

Instructions that are short and to the point. Get him to repeat them to you

Plenty of physical activity throughout the day

Try to phrase things as statements or questions rather than direct instructions or demands

Also, get in touch with the school and explain your difficulties and that you and he are doing your best. Ask for their advice on managing his learning.

He needs assessing, don't be fobbed odd. It doesn't matter if he's not doing it at school.

Get some noise cancelling headphones for yourself in the meantime.

I was told that the noise is normal.

DS is pretty bright and is able to mask a lot of his behaviour with other people - he has lashed out once at school and the teachers were very shocked but he has not done it since (he hits me every day, at least twice, and has at least three tantrums over the course of a day, usually when a meal/ snack has finished).

MIL is an ex primary school teacher and so DH goes to her for all advice about children and she just says "he is a little boy" so that's it as far as he is concerned.

The GP offered me antidepressants- I may be taking her up on those!

School senco told us to get the hearing and sight tests and when they came back ok she basically told me to go away, told me he "doesn't need a label".

He also has toilet issues -withholding. He can go a surprisingly long time between trips to the toilet. He never goes at school and his behaviour is terrible all the way home until he can get to the loo. He usually wails and cries all the way home. School have tried to help, I have asked that they take him and I believe they do but they can't make him go.

Tbh I feel like he is locked in his own little world and I cannot get through to him - surely by 5.5 he should realise that his noise is an issue? We are constantly, constantly asking him to lower the volume (we don't ever say shut up) - either he is a psychopath that wants to wind us up or he genuinely cannot control it.

Would antidepressants help me, do you think? With the stress that the noise creates?

School fobbed me off for years with DS1, even the EP said he wasn't autistic! He was diagnosed last year, aged 7, and has an ADHD assessment on Thursday.

Your gut feeling about these things is usually right. If you can afford it, skip the waiting list and go private. DS's ASD assessment was around £2000 and his ADHD £700.

"School say he's not like it there"

Do not take this as gospel. They often say this. Are you friends with any of the other mums who you can ask in a friend,y way and who will answer nicely if their kids have ever talked about what your ds is like in school?

If you believe there is no send then you need firm consequences.

It is not a normal level of noise. 5yo boys do tend to make annoying noises and a lot of them talk constantly, but not to this extent all the time.

You're not going mad, argh, it drives me mad how they fob people off. I just thought I was shit at parenting for years because I had nothing to compare DS1 to and I just thought I needed to cope with it better.

What would a hearing and sight test tell you FFS? Apart from he doesn't have a hearing or sight problem

A lot of the behaviour sounds sensory seeking. The book Too Loud, Too Tight, Too Fast, Too Bright might be worth a read.

Also Ross Greene The Explosive Child.