Son has older boyfriend

[Doimatter]

My son was 18 a few months ago. He's met someone who is 34. I know he's an adult but the age gap really worries me. He's Met him on line. Seen him a couple of times. He's told my son he works as a banker. And my son is meant to be going to his place in next few days. I'm just worried that an older person could take advantage. Something simlar happen a few months back where he had got talking to someone. He was older as well. And I told my son my concerns. And he said he would not go. But then did anyway. So I don't want to push him so that he does not tell me things. But I also don't want him to be unsafe. I'm worried about him. And just wondering peoples thoughts.

It's concerning but encourage him to do background checks (Google is amazing for old) and meet in a public place. The age gap is large but I'm guessing your son likes older men

I can see why you're worried. Has he had any bf his own age?

All you can do is what you've done really. Encourage your DS to pay attention to his feelings, talk to him about healthy relationship dynamics and safe dating, tell him that it's his life but if he ever feels uncomfortable, unsafe or concerned he can come to you.

I'd tread softly now. He knows how you feel and he also knows you can't stop him. If you push too hard he'll 1) just lie more 2) feel he can't walk away even if he's unhappy as he won't want to prove you right.

first boyfriends for young gay men are quite often older - it's somehow a bit of a stepping stone to relationships with men their own age, so although I completely understand your concerns (I would be the same with my DS) in the gay community it is not an unusual set up at all. Your DS may have a few older boyfriends and then go on to meet men more his own age, or he may prefer this set up and stick with it - either way try to focus on the important thing being that his boyfriend is a decent chap, not his age.

No he has not the first 1 was 27 I think. This is his 2nd.

Oh I never knew that. I wounder why that is. Thank you

@Respectabitch

All you can do is what you've done really. Encourage your DS to pay attention to his feelings, talk to him about healthy relationship dynamics and safe dating, tell him that it's his life but if he ever feels uncomfortable, unsafe or concerned he can come to you.

I'd tread softly now. He knows how you feel and he also knows you can't stop him. If you push too hard he'll 1) just lie more 2) feel he can't walk away even if he's unhappy as he won't want to prove you right.

Thank you. Yes this is what I want to try and aim for. He also has his older sister that he can talk to. If he feels I'm the wrong person. He does tell me lots of stuff. But think it's good he has another option as well.

And I agree that as a PP says, much older boyfriends are almost a rite of passage for young gay men. Most of them get past it and start seeing people closer to their age.

I agree about young gay men often dating older men; I have seen this in all of my gay friends.

Perhaps you could tell him that you trust his judgement but ask if he could let you have contact details/the address of the new man. Don't make it seem that you have concerns about the age gap, just that it is safer for you to know where he is. At the end of the day, online dating is not always that safe.

For what it's worth, I am in an age gap relationship and met my fiance when I was 18 (although we did not date until I was 19). Age gaps do not necessarily mean something sinister.

@Doimatter I think it's about having someone to "look after you" when you're new on the scene and don't know quite how it all works and how you might fit into it. Certainly my best friend (when in our twenties) had several much older boyfriends when he first came out, and I think he felt quite protected by that; he could be young and inexperienced because he that's what he was, and he didn't need to pretend to know it all and be cool as he might with someone his own age.

Most of my gay friends were in age gap relationships as well at some point often just after they came out.

BUT when I was dating, like a lot of other people too - online or not - I'd always tell someone the address where I was going just in case, after one sleazy git made me realise that it was quite risky. So perhaps persuade him to give a mate or you the address and send a quick text from the loo that he's OK at some point in the evening. Don't reply with anything more than "thanks!" so he gets privacy but stays safe.

Please don’t jump on me but are you in the uk? Should they be meeting during lockdown?

@Borntobeamum

Please don’t jump on me but are you in the uk? Should they be meeting during lockdown?

Yes but he has to go feed / look after horses. As much as he should just be doing that. Once he's out of the house I can't really control what he's doing. But yes your right

@idloveapie

Most of my gay friends were in age gap relationships as well at some point often just after they came out.

BUT when I was dating, like a lot of other people too - online or not - I'd always tell someone the address where I was going just in case, after one sleazy git made me realise that it was quite risky. So perhaps persuade him to give a mate or you the address and send a quick text from the loo that he's OK at some point in the evening. Don't reply with anything more than "thanks!" so he gets privacy but stays safe.

That's what worrys me if something was to happen. It just worries me that an older man could have more control over him.

He needs to meet him in a public place the first time, somewhere that he can easily get away or get help if he needs to, not go round to a stranger's place. If your DS was a girl wouldn't you advise that?
18 is still young, and most 18yos wouldn't feel comfortable saying no, could be persuaded or coerced into things they're not ready for.

@MechantGourmet

He needs to meet him in a public place the first time, somewhere that he can easily get away or get help if he needs to, not go round to a stranger's place. If your DS was a girl wouldn't you advise that? 18 is still young, and most 18yos wouldn't feel comfortable saying no, could be persuaded or coerced into things they're not ready for.

100% agree with you . He's met him a couple of times in public. But now he's on about going to his place. Which I don't think is safe. But he will still go anyway even when I do tell him my concerns. He did with the other person he met. Told me he's not going but went anyway.

That would worry me
There are so many assaults on young men (I mean violence, not sexual) that him just going off by himself isn't a great idea. Do you live somewhere generally safe?

I'm sure we would be concerned were it a 34 year old woman and an 18 year old woman, or especially were it a 34 year old man and an 18 year old woman.

I agree OP you should be concerned but not sure what you can do, as I cannot imagine the police wanting to be involved on this even if Covid 19 restrictions are breached. Legally of course both are adults.

Hows things going Doimatter? X

@Borntobeamum

Hows things going Doimatter? X

Hi im not sure the guy called it off with my son. He got very upset about it. Then they were going to meet to talk. Then the guy said he was busy will meet in the week. My son tells me the guy is a banker and an adviser . As in talk about people's problems. He also said he lost both his parents last year. That he's either has or had breast cancer and anal cancer. Sounds awful for me to say it but I find it all difficult to believe. And my son is very gullible.

I’d advise you son to look elsewhere - without being mean, if the above is true it is far too much baggage for an 18 year old to take on.