help me set up my own wedding gift list for

[medlarmeddler]

I'm a very longtime MNer. Name changed as identifying.

Help me oh wise women!
Getting married in next few days with just our household bubble - one of my parents lives with us, has major health problems and we've luckily been given permission. We will have a Zoom wedding ;-). We've been together decades and have teen DCs, and should have done this ages ago. All good anyways, quite exciting in the midst of the gloom.

Anyway I digress. We have don't need anything housey, so have hit on the idea of asking for trees for an orchard as we have a place in the garden. I have a supplier - not a big company - who will plan the right trees for the situation - but I can't ask them to manage any kind of registry for me (and they won't be on any of the big gift registry sites).

I don't really want to ask for cash or money transfers, seems a bit crass, plus I won't know who bought the apricot or who bought the almond (for instance). It does need to be the right mix so I can't just ask people to send me trees. How can I track payments and be sure people can buy from our supplier and the right trees?

I have looked at Zankyou and Prezola, but as well as mixed reviews adn the commission on cash, people seem scandalised by the 'cash gift' option on online forums ( I think partly because there isn't a way to guarantee we won't spend it on something else once the money is transferred - which if course we won't ). Do you think this is CF-ery or what should I do - being asked for a gift list (only sent invites yesterday) so people do seem to want instruction!

Hmm....It's new territory for sure, Zoom weddings and gift lists. I think I'd be tempted to reply "please spend whatever you would have on our gift, on some delicious food and drinks you can enjoy yourselves at hlme during or after the ceremony"

I couldn't bring myself to ask for gifts (in fact I'd actively dissuade people) if they were attending the ceremony via zoom

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Hmm....It's new territory for sure, Zoom weddings and gift lists. I think I'd be tempted to reply "please spend whatever you would have on our gift, on some delicious food and drinks you can enjoy yourselves at hlme during or after the ceremony"

I couldn't bring myself to ask for gifts (in fact I'd actively dissuade people) if they were attending the ceremony via zoom

This is a lovely idea...

I would do as people suggest with an addition that you will be planting trees to mark this most unusual wedding, if anybody wants to know more get in touch. I actually would love the option of donating a £25 sapling in these circumstances, and the addition of something tongue in cheek like get in your nibbles from marks and Spencer's and put on your smartest pjs!

If people really aren't happy with an answer of 'we don't need anything, spend the money on nice food and drink to toast enjoy as a virtual reception', then using Amazon Wishlist is actually very efficient. It costs nothing, and you just link to the webpage of each item and can set a quantity

Friends of ours did this with a tandem.
They paid a deposit.
Bike shop built the tandem
B&G directed people to bike shop
Bike shop had a list that said stuff like “frame £500, front saddle £30, back saddle £30” etc . They emailed this out on request, but I imagine that mid there could be an FB page or website or something.
People then contacted the bike shop to buy their chosen component.
B&G planned to pay the balance, but one of the more generous guests did, as their present.

In your case, could you draw up a planting schedule and species mix with the nursery and do similar?

I would write something corny like this

There is no need to send us a gift your love and wishes are enough,
If however your want to anyway know we would love to plant some stuff
Money doesn't grow on trees but they certainly help the bees
An orchard in our garden would be a dream come true
A sapling in your name is what we would plan to do
If you'd like to send a little cash, a cheque or maybe bacs
Let us know and we will provide you with the where to send to facts

Yes I could do that @bikerunski, but I don't want to add extra work to the tree nursery - plus I'd like to label the trees myself for when people actually visit us for a wedding party.

People like relatives and old friends really do want to give us something - they are asking. The trees are £25 - £50 and they will really mean something for a long time to us. Plus when people do (finally) visit they can see and have some of the fruits.

You've got the solutions but you're being so rigid.

"don't want to add extra work to the tree nursery" why?! They want work!

Just tell them that you are using X supplier and that they can contact them to purchase you a tree of their choosing.

Contact tree supplier and tell them to expect orders over the coming days and that you're happy for them on one delivery.

Why don’t you send out a list/drawing of what trees you’d like, with some of those tree labels you can write on (and maybe a sharpie or Chinagraph pencil), then people could contact you to say which tree they want to give you, and send back the labels with a message and their contribution? It’s going to be tricky to manage not to get duplicates without involving the supplier.

I love the idea of a wedding present orchard. I have sometimes given trees as new baby presents.

Oh ... An orchard is my dream wedding present.

I have a supplier - not a big company - who will plan the right trees for the situation - but I can't ask them to manage any kind of registry for me

If I ran the tree company I'd leap at the suggestion to broaden the services we offer. New section of our website; whole new income stream from environmentally conscious brides and grooms ...

Good luck anyway. Sounds wonderful.

Why not just ask for money towards trees. Keep a list of who gave you how much. Get trees and match up list to tree invoice? If tree cost £50 and no one gave full amount just put 2 labels on that tree or if someone gave more than enough for 1 tree put their label on 2 trees. I think if I zoominvite you make it clear this is what you want for a wedding present no one will be offended.

Don’t ask for anything, ESPECIALLY not for a zoom wedding. So tacky. People will give money if they really can’t stomach giving nothing.

Asking for anything is tacky, even worse if they aren’t actually attending the wedding. If asked, I would tell them to treat themselves to something instead.

I can never understand these 'asking for anything is tacky' comments. A wedding is a celebration - surely anyone invited to be involved, even over Zoom, actively wants to offer the bride and groom something to carry them into their future? And a list (aside from practicality) seems to me to be a rather joyful ritual.

(I draw the line at amateur verse asking for money ...)

I'd happily order the OP a tree if she were a friend of mine. And that would be much easier if they told me exactly where to purchase it.

Thank you @PursuingProxemicExactitude.

Don't send a poem.

If you get asked about presents, you can explain and point people towards the nursery. I would give your friends and relatives the choice of which tree to buy and maybe arrange with the nursery themselves to make swaps if you end up with all the same tree. You can always say that the chosen tree wasn't available and I'm sure no-one will mind.

I have never felt even vaguely affronted about people having gift/money lists for their weddings and it feels so mean that others do. It makes it so much easier and of course I want to give them something!

I am in a similarish position (though hopefully will be past the need for zoom weddings by 2022) and will be asking people to donate to two charities close to us instead of gifts/money.

I think buying a sapling for your orchard is a lovely idea and if people ask what you want, then tell them! The nursery will be glad of the business, I'm sure.