a letter to my estranged mother

[Ghostella]

I’m thinking of sending a letter to my estranged mother who I’ve not seen since I was 12 years old. She was a drink and she was pretty wicked to me, including hitting me, locking me in a cupboard, all sorts. I ran away from home aged 12 and went to my friend’s house, told her parents everything and she never ever followed me / wrote to me/ attempted to make contact with me ever again. I ended up growing up very lonely with a roof over my head from my fairly disinterested dad but never feeling part of any family really. Anyway, flash forward to now - I’m happily married, have children, a lovely home, am close to my in-laws and my MIL is the mother in ever had really. I get
On with my dad now and have forgiven him for the past. I’m just wondering if I should write to my mother and how to word how I’m feeling. I want to know about her, what makes her tick, what kind of person she actually is. I think it’s more curiosity about the woman who gave birth to me than anything. I’m not wanting to start an argument with her but I don’t forgive her for being cruel, I’d like to maybe just start talking and see if we can find any common ground at all?? Is this a really bad decision? Any advice? Thank you

I’m sorry to had this experience.

I doubt she will offer you what she want.

If she is still an alcoholic she won’t be any less self-centred.

Is she has recovered and moved on she is likely to have reconciled her past in a way that allows her to move on.

I do think this may lead to frustration and bitterness for you.

Writing the letter may be cathartic, but sending the letter won't bring the 'closure' you need.

Don't send it.

I lived at the hands of physical and emotional abuse and am now estranged from my mother so hopefully can help. Due to my own mental illness, I've been in therapy most of my life (since I was little) so without sounding cocky, am unfortunately quite experienced in this field. I would genuinely recommend that you explore some counselling yourself, mainly because you can have an impartial person there to vent to and explore why it is that you're feeling the need to write this letter. What is it you'd like to achieve from it? A common and often helpful form of therapy is writing said letter but then quite literally setting fire to it and it's a fantastic way of beginning to let go. It's a process to get there but it's worth it. I'm in exactly the same position as you (minus the children, we just collect animals instead haha) and it's so so lovely to be around a "normal" family isn't it? I'm glad you have that now.

I agree with others. Before considering sending a letter, ask yourself how you would feel if she minimised what you went through or completely denied it. And if she said you were a nightmare and basically blamed you for her actions.

I completely understand why you'd want to contact her but worry it could do more harm than good. I recommend getting a good therapist before making any decisions, if you haven't already.

With mine, I wrote my DM a letter that I didn't actually send and it helped me forgive her and move on.

This can only end in pain, I'm certain of it. OP don't seek your answers from her. Invest in therapy if you need to explore your feelings. I'm so sorry. 💐

Ah that’s a unanimous “don’t send” then! Thank you for your thoughts, I will think again.

@teaiseverything having a family around me feels like winning the lottery! Glad for you too ❤️❤️❤️

Best of luck with however you feel comfortable handling things :)

Thank you, I think you’re probably right about not sending the letter. Ever since I had my first baby, I’ve started thinking about her and wondering how she used to care for me as a baby. She must’ve loved me at one point, even if only for a little while. I’d like to be able to file her away in my head I suppose, knowing her story. I will not be bringing a drunk into my babies’ lives though so maybe that ship has sailed a long time ago anyway.

Maybe start with writing the letter and see how that makes you feel, mine was something I went back to a few times and added things in as they occurred to me, maybe do the same for your dad (also not sending it). It may well be all the closure you need, but it might make you feel sad for a time and then better afterwards iyswim, and as pps have said definitely seek out some counselling if you haven't before. So glad that you are happy now

I sent my parents similar letters over time..

They have never helped. Last time i wrote after 6 weeks i didn't revieve a reply so phoned - my mum said she couldn't think of anything to say.... who can't think of anything to say to their child.

Ultimately i never got closure that way..

I too was no contact for 20, 20 and 10 years respectively, and reestablished contact briefly. It went TERRIBLY and was a further wound.

I think, live with the questions. You dont know how she was with you, and you may never know.

If you are prepared to hear 'I didn't want you and I still don't' then press on, but if you think it would hurt to hear that, especially as you have children you adore and cannot understand why someone wouldn't adore their children, then dont do it.

It is true that some of us have shit parents and family dynamics. And that being true, putting distance in is the best course of action. Even despite the unanswered questions.

Another one saying the same. In your situation there's not much to be gained from sending it, but MASSES to lose.

I don't know how old your DC are but what I'd do is get a good therapist and go through. The things you'd want to say in the letter. I'd then look too at how you're going to approach the "where's my other granny" type of questions, or "What was your mummy like?". These generally come when you're least expecting them, sometimes in public and can be difficult.

@yetmorenamechanging hmmm I’m not sure what I would say about what’s she’s like! What can you say?! I would have to say the truth when they’re a little bit older but I’m not sure they’d like to hear the truth at a young age. They haven’t noticed they have a grandma missing as such because my dad has remarried and they called her Granny

Incidentally , what made you forgive your dad? He was no better.

@Deathraystare he certainly was a lot better since he never abused me, but he had many faults of his own. I grew up, stopped hating him and asked him about his life. I realised he loves me even if he’s not a great father and I decided to embrace him for what he is. We do have a good relationship now, not necessarily a typical father-daughter relationship but more like friends.

I made contact with my estranged father after he Facebooked me. He turned out to be worse than I remembered and really knocked me back. The image I had created of a father was completely destroyed. He was vile. It's harder doing it twice.
I understand some of your feelings. I haven't seen my mother for ten years due to abuse I suffered and every so often I feel like I will write a letter. But really, it cannot turn back time or make them the person you want them to be.
Just keep looking after yourself and your family

I am NC with my mum OP. Since being a mum myself, my feelings are even more distant towards her, I know nothing would ever make my treat my DS’s how she did me.

What would you want to achieve by sending your mum a letter? Think carefully, people don’t usually change sadly.

If I was you I would do what I did, and be the best mum I could be, and save your heart from being broken all over again.

Good luck with whatever choice you make.