NC but have regularly commented on other threads.
Just wanted some help really as I’m really struggling at the moment. This is all on me and I know that, I’m just wanting some help on how to move forward.
I was with a lovely man for a year. Not a huge amount of time but I had known him as a friend before for a few years and let’s just say our relationship went from 0 to 100 very quickly. This was more him than me but I was very happy for things to progress and looking back I encouraged it as he made me happy.
Anyway, a year in I had an absolutely awful episode with my mental health. I lost my job which triggered a lot of anxiety, but there was other stuff mixed in too which I won’t detail...but in essence I completely pushed this man away. He was desperate to make it work and to support me. He was kind to me and I was just in this absolute hole where I couldn’t think straight about anything let alone the relationship. I ended it despite his efforts.
Almost a year later (we had had intermittent contact in this time and kept in touch, always lovely to speak, he often hinted we should meet), I built up the courage to go to his house and basically lay my heart on the line and tell him I still loved him (I did), that I hadn’t been with anyone else and I didn’t want anyone else.
I did this and it turned out he was expecting a child with someone. She wasn’t there at the time (they’d only recently got together) and I assume they were in the process of deciding what the logistics would be and if she would move in. I didn’t ask. After I left the house he text me and said if I had let him know sooner it would have all been different and that it was a shame but his life was different now.
I get it. It was all my fault. I did this. I assume they are now together and living as a family, I don’t know for sure. That part is irrelevant really, I lost a man I had been friends with a long time and someone who I really believe was the right one for me. I am so much better now mentally and I can’t imagine throwing someone away in the way I did with him but it all feels dreadful as I lost the person who meant so much to me.
I don’t know what I’m asking really. Just want to know how to be ok and not see this forever as the person who should have been in my life and isn’t. I know it’s all my fault.