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Help me. I just has to tell my children their Dad's dying

10 replies

Itsjusttoohard · 23/01/2021 19:13

He's in hospital, no visitors, has 18-24 months. Hopefully will come home "soon" once they get his pain under control, but he's been there 2 weeks and no sign of improvement yet.

Boys 17 & 19, far too young to lose their dad.

Neither of them reacted at all and have just gone back to their computer games. I have no idea how to help them. Help me?

OP posts:
cheeseandworcestershireontoast · 23/01/2021 19:16

I was 16 when I found out my amazing dad was terminally ill. I sobbed and cried for days and couldn’t even move out of bed. I felt so angry that my brother who was 19 at the time just took it in his stride and went back to work about half an hour after receiving the news, carried on going out at night with his mates, just continued life as normal. I resented this for a few months and then realised that it was just his way of coping with it and everybody’s different and started to accept that. Let them play their games for a bit, they’re probably processing it in their heads and this is what they feel comfortable doing whilst their brain tries to get to grips with this.

A massive hug to you OP, I remember the look on my mum’s face when she had to tell us. You are so brave and I am here holding your hand. Do you have people who can support you whilst you support your boys? Flowers

tuttifuckinfruity · 23/01/2021 19:20

I don't have any advice. But I am so, so sorry xxx Thanks

HmmSureJan · 23/01/2021 19:21

Not the same but my children's (teens also) father is a chaotic alcoholic. Initially when he lets them down or they affected by his unstable behaviour they too seem not to show it. They are very pragmatic and after the latest bout they just want to be left alone to game, read, do whatever it is they do on their iPads. My dd tells me categorically that she will not discuss him and to leave her alone. I have found that they need time to process it and I find there may be an outburst of some kind over something unrelated a few days later and those can be very hard to handle - furious tears and slamming about, arguments with each other. I just make it clear that I am there. I cook them their favourite food, run them nice baths, surprise them with a take away or a little present related to their interests and just hover.

I'm so sorry. It must be very difficult for you all Thanks

TurquoiseDragon · 23/01/2021 19:33

Don't be surprised by any reactions, but be prepared for all possible reactions. My DCs dad died in November, and it took a while for that initial grief to come out. I just made sure they knew that they could be themselves around me. His death was sudden, but your DCs have time to work through this with him.

💐 It's not easy whichever way happens.

Cornettoninja · 23/01/2021 19:52

They’re processing it OP. Massive shocks like this manifest in a variety of ways and going to do something you enjoy and are familiar with is perfectly normal and understandable when you think of it that way. Keep yourself available but not forcing conversation so they know you’re there but you have to look after yourself too.

I’m so sorry you’re all going through this, it’s life changing for all of you. I presume your DH will have access to palliative care? Take any offer of support no matter how small, they can sign post you to various different places that could provide more support for both you and your DS’s.

CharlieParley · 23/01/2021 19:58

I'm so sorry, Itsjusttoohard, this is a difficult situation for all of you to manage.

What I would recommend in your specific situation, is to ask the hospital if they have a counselling service that you can access. Or if there is a charity for the particular illness in question, because many of these charities either have helplines or can put you in touch with other families going through what you're going through. Although counselling or peer support doesn't always work, when either does or both of them do, this can be invaluable for all the family.

We've recently had a cancer diagnosis (most likely terminal) in the family and hadn't planned to tell our boys just yet, but the middle one (18) overheard us. He was inconsolable, cried his eyes out, I answered all his questions, we talked about death and dying and I told him that if he had any more questions or worries, to come to us. Told his older (22) and younger (14) brother the next day. Zero reaction. Even though I expected them all to react and process this differently, I was still taken aback. I hadn't expected a non-reaction. Like yours, both went straight to the computer and played games.

It's been about four weeks and we've since been able to talk more which has made clear that they are, all three of them, very sad and worried about what lies ahead. But they are also young, much of the severity of the illness and the strain of treatment is either unknown to them or purely theoretical knowledge gleaned from the internet. They're not imagining all the things that can go wrong, like we are. They're not worrying about how Covid is making this all so much more complicated, like we are. They're not fretting about how to manage pain when painkillers don't work anymore, like we are. They're not remembering all the other people we know with a similar diagnosis and how they died, like we are. I honestly envy them for that.

Also, it's quite normal and healthy for teens to engage in what they enjoy, including to get lost in computer games when they have worries. (That's also why I play computer games myself - to focus on the game and nothing else. It lowers my stress levels and it's nice to do something fun. Even when you have huge worries in your life.)

The one thing I keep telling myself is that even if they don't show they are affected, I know they are. So we made sure to let them know that they can always talk to us. And we keep all news very matter of fact, answer any questions they may have and find opportunities for them to open up. We are also open about our own feelings, because pretending we're fine would have made it harder for them to show that they are not fine. And on any given day, if we feel they would benefit from talking about it, and then we create the opportunity to do so, but they don't take it, we don't stress about it, because there will be others.

I hope you will find the support you need, not just for your boys, but for you as well. Flowers

exexpat · 23/01/2021 20:00

Children and teenagers don't always react the way you expect. There are organisations like Winston's Wish which help families through bereavement - you might find some useful advice on there www.winstonswish.org

Also I think Macmillan, some hospices and hospitals also offer advice and support.

Don't be surprised if they continue refusing to talk about it or don't want to go to counselling or support groups. DH died when my DC were much younger, and they have always been adamant they didn't want any kind of counselling. Likewise my early teen niece when her mother was dying - she seemed unemotional and would not talk about it all, but I am sure there was an awful lot going on under the surface. I have heard similar from other families who have lost a parent.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 23/01/2021 20:00

So sorry to read this, OP. Not sure if you’ve heard the phrase about grief being like just jumping in and out of puddles? It’s such a good analogy and is truer the younger that are, I think. Just be there when your DSs are jumping in, and when they’re out. It’s all you can do, but it will mean everything to them to have you alongside them, listening to them. I would reassure them where you can, but let them see your pain too.

All the best to you all.

sleepyhead · 23/01/2021 20:08

Sometimes when everything is terrible it's a comfort to children to cling to the ordinary.

For example, younger children who have lost a parent often want to return to school very quickly. The routine is a comfort.

I'm so sorry you're all going through this.

NoOneOwnsTheRainbow · 23/01/2021 20:14
Flowers I don't have any advice but I'm sorry you're going through this.
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