Do others find motherhood this hard?

[BasiliskEgg]

Have NC for this. I'm feeling very alone tbh. My son is 5.5. I know loads of women find motherhood hard but it doesn't seem to be for the same reasons I do. Mostly you hear about lack of sleep, lack of time for yourself, mess etc, pressure on your relationship with your partner. I find all these things difficult at times but they're not big things iyswim. It's the emotional side of things I find. I should say that I have ADHD and am extremely sensitive- I've been this way my whole life. I seem to feel things more deeply than others feel them and over think everything. The constant anxiety is crippling. Is he happy, am I doing the right things for him, what would I do if something happened to him, how do I make sure he is emotionally intelligent and well adjusted. Do I project my own personality onto him too much. How can I have more patience with him (ADHD means I can be very impatient and have huge noise intolerance). How can I make sure I avoid being overprotective or suffocating. We live in a flat with no garden which we can't sell due to covid and I feel so awful he has no outdoor space.

I should say that yes I've had counselling, I'm on medication and so on, I do have support, I have a loving DH. This is just what I'm like. I haven't had another child because I feel like it would tip me over the edge yet others seem to pop out 2,3, 4 without a second thought. Then I feel even worse because DS has no sibling.

Do others find the emotional challenges of being a parent this hard? I just see everyone else talking about how much joy their children bring them when all is said and done and hand on heart I don't feel like that, yes he does bring me joy and I love him to the point of pain but it feels like just that 90% of the time - pain. I didn't expect this from motherhood. I expected the drudgery, the challenges of lack of sleep and constant responsibility, the overwhelming love. I didn't expect the high emotional toll. Everyone told me it would get better after he stopped being a newborn and the hormones died down. If anything it has got worse.

I do not have depression.

I just wondered if anyone else feels like this. I know I've probably done a shit job explaining explaining so please be kind.

Yep I'm the same. I wasn't an anxious person before having my DD, but now feel like 99% of the time I am worrying about her and the world she's growing up in. It's exhausting. No advice, but you're not alone.

I felt like this and realised I had acute anxiety. Sertraline was a complete game changer and I'm so much happier now.

@BasiliskEgg I have 3 children. I feel quite similarly to you in relation to my oldest. I’m a much better parent to my younger two children if I’m honest, the oldest, unfortunately is the child who teaches me how to parent and it’s hard on us both.

Is it possible that your son also has adhd?

I just ask because I feel like this about my first child, who does, and not so much about my second, who doesn't (seem to - he's really too young to tell but I'd put money on it). I have ADHD myself and it's highly genetic.

Special needs in a child can absolutely lead to these kinds of feelings which are overwhelming and hard and you can end up feeling very "not like the other parents". SN support groups are brilliant though!

It's probably a bit late now. But I think it got easier after I had my second. It left me less time for over thinking. It helped my confidence grow because I kind of felt like I knew what I was doing with a baby again. Then when they got a bit older, I'd say when eldest was 5 and youngest was 3, they started playing lots together and entertaining each other.

The noise level does increase though and I wouldn't recommend having two kids in a flat. It's hard enough for me in a small three bedroom semi.

I have never been diagnosed with anything. My mum has clearly undiagnosed MH problems. I suspect ASD and probably OCD too. My eldest is currently being assessed for ASD/ADHD. I've never really felt like I fitted in and when I read something in my 30s about girls masking ASD, it hit a nerve. But I don't like to self diagnose. I uses to worry my kids would feel like I did growing up. But now I look at it another way. I feel like I have the tools to empathise with them and guide them through life. After all, I feel like I turned out OK despite no support from my mum about a lot of things.

At the moment I don't think my son has ADHD. He has no symptoms. He doesn't give me any trouble at all to be honest, he's calm, gentle and generally very well behaved.

I have tried a number of anti depressants including sertraline and none have helped. My ADHD meds have helped enormously with certain things but not the intensity of emotion I feel.

@BasiliskEgg Yes I’m like you somewhat and I suspect I’m adhd but never diagnosed.

I’ve always been very sensitive and highly anxious of doing the wrong thing. It’s absolutely exhausting. I over think everything and it leads to procrastination a lot of the time.

However, my sensitivity made me highly attuned to my DC’s emotional and well being needs. I always know what they need long before they even know.
It’s make me a very loving and caring parent and I’m very maternal.

So strange that you say you love him so much it hurts, that’s exactly how I felt with my first born, I would cry and cry how much I loved her.
But I also had depression.
This strong feeling of love hasn’t gone away over 15 years but it’s muted as I understand it’s unhealthy for me to smother them the way I would really like to.

Hey maybe I am to controlling over them, I don’t want them to have certain friends or wear certain clothes or eat bad foods.
It’s all part of how much I love them and would kill for them.

I guess I’ve rambled enough, just wanted you to know that there are good aspects of loving your children a lot.

Yes same. It's unbelievably difficult.

I felt exactly the same! I don't know how others spread the emotional investment over more than one child. I've worried about him constantly from the get go. But he is now a fully functioning adult who definitely likes pulling at my heart strings and being spoilt.

You are doing a really good job.