I am massively failing at EVERYTHING.

[Moanasmother]

I’ve had enough. I’m failing at being a mother and doing my work.

My kids are behind in school work, my house is completely fucked and I’m ballsing my work up and making myself look incompetent- which at this moment in time I am.

I have two kids under 7 at home and trying to WFH but also have to be in the office minimally. I have to be in the office as I own the business so I can’t ask the the boss for time off because it’s me!

I can’t ask their dad as he isn’t even in the country and have no family support that could actually take them.

I’ve put so much weight on as during the day I’m not eating as I’m trying to complete really important work documents, stop the kids from fighting, feed them and try and get them to do some school work then come evening I’m binging on shit. Im incompetent at everything at the moment

I aim to do work in the morning to get it out of the way but the kids distract me and I make mistakes so it ends up taking me hours or evening when the kids of gone to bed but my mind just switches off, I look at the state of the house, my anxiety overwhelms me and I just binge - then I get anxiety for not completing work. So I’m sat on the couch wasting time with anxiety rippling over me but to tired to actually fucking do something

My kids are good kids but they need attention. My dd said I didn’t love her anymore as I was always telling them off and was doing work.

I feel like getting in bed and throwing it all away - but if I did I’d be in masses of debt so I can’t.

I’ve just had a cry in the kitchen because I could find one of the dds any clean pair of underwear - my washing pile is ridiculous and im failing every one. My fridge is disgusting too, honestly my home has never been in this state.

Sending hugs. For what it's worth I don't think you're failing. I think you're trying to live up the standard you'd aim for in normal times, but things haven't been normal for almost a year so it's impossible.

Please try and be kind to yourself, you're doing your best, it's all you can do, your faced with an almost impossible challenge and you're surviving, it's all we can hope for at times like this xxx

Get out of my head! I could have written this post except I havent got my own business! I'd like to hazard a guess that you are actually bossing it but being extremely hard on yourself. To be honest at the moment getting through the day is an achievement in itself. It will be ok again we just need to get through this shit x

Just because some things have got on top of you, it doesn't mean you are failing at being a mother, or anything else. These are difficult times.

Don't set yourself impossible targets, but try to do one thing at a time in very manageable slots. E.g. set yourself the target of spending 10 minutes clearing out the fridge. After 10 minutes you can stop - or if you feel like it, you can carry on. You'll be surprised how much of that sort of thing you can get done in 10 minutes.

Don't beat yourself up, you are doing great.
As for washing etc, general house work, can't you do it together with your children? Maybe it's fun for them to have time with you and feel grown up to help mummy.
Be kind to yourself, and don't try too hard. You are doing your best.

You're not a failure. You're coping with so much. Lots of sympathy.
Some things to think about:
Could you get up early to work and get to bed earlier, making the most of a refreshed brain and avoiding maximum binge time?
Lower carb diet = reduced binge urges
Forget school work. Read, talk, play, walk, bit of real world numeracy maybe. Tell school that's the way it is.
Housework? I'm not an expert on this one tbh. Do the one thing that would make a difference to you. Wash on every evening, tumble dry everything, each person has their own basket of clean laundry to go their room.

You sound like you're doing amazing.
I highly recommend The Organised Mum Method for housework. If I follow that the effect on my anxiety is amazing. Tidying up for 15 minutes makes me feel like I've just won an Olympic medal!
There's lots of info on the website but it's basically:

1. a 15 minute quick tidy/clean each day of the same area each time.
2. A 30 minute clean of a different room each day e.g. Monday Kitchen, Tuesday Bedrooms, Wednesday Lounge, Thursday Bathroom (I can't remember what it actually is on the website as I changed it to suit me). They're the same each week.
3. Every Friday do a 30 minute deeper clean of a certain area, on a rolling 8 week basis. No housework at the weekend. With work and schoolwork I can't really manage more than just the 15 minute clean but it's amazing what you can get done in that time and it feels like such an achievement. I also get DC to help and see how much they can tidy before the timer goes off.

I also recommend taking vitamins, especially Vitamin D at this time of year. If you're eating crap you'll feel crap.

And do the absolute minimum school work. It's just not worth the stress.

Oh darling don't worry. Do some washing. Keep the kids clean. Explain to work that the kids are demanding and you are alone. prioritise your work. Don't worry about the schoolwork. Sending you lots of love and strength

Can you send your laundry to a service? Get a cleaner?

Your not failing. This is current life for the majority who are WFH and home schooling. It's hell. I could have written your post as well.

Outsource.

Get a cleaner.
Look at part time child minder so you can work
Employ an assistant with work.

You're not superwoman. Reduce the workload on you and things will start to fall I to place.

Thanks for the responses I really appreciate them.

I do need to organise myself better and stop staying up late watching shite. I spent yesterday going through some recent documents and they were god awful. I know I have to either focus on one of the other and not try and multitask as I’m spreading myself to thin.

I’m going to look at that busy mum website and try and get organised. My anxiety is so bad at the moment and I think it’s that that is pulling me back and sapping energy. I don’t want medication as I need to be switched on.

I could hire a cleaner but I’m embarrassed at the state of the house

Can you get a cleaner right now???

@Nicolastuffedone

Can you get a cleaner right now???

Yes you can.

It's really hard to be organised when it's already messy so I'd start there,

We do 'pack tidy' sometimes. Here's the rules.

You need to have a shopping bag each
You move in a pack- no breaking off to other areas This is very important!
You put away anything from the area that you can. If it's anything to with you or not.
Anything that is from another area goes in your bag.
When the pack mother decides to move on you move on together to a New room/area - wolf howls optional
Anything in your bag from this area can be put in the right place
At the end, anything in your bag can be put in the right place-including the bag
Lastly, go you your room and see if there is anyway there that someone has left for you to put away.

Does your business allow for the self employed support? If it did I would suggest taking that for the next chunk you are allowed and just freezing work if it’s possible? This could give you a break to focus on home and also have a mental break and then jump back on it after the 3 months.
My DH has had to do this to homeschool our DD’s It’s not the same money but it’s enough to get by.
If that doesn’t apply to you I’m sorry and all I can add is could you part time your business? So you work with the kids and house 2/3 days and then do your job and they slacken off watch educational programme the other days.
Honestly the first lockdown my youngest did prob 40% homework it couldn’t be helped at the time.

I feel your pain. I am a lone parent and it is intense having to be with my DD all the time.

Could you talk to the school - mine have been helpful and this has taken off some of the pressure from me.

How old are the kids and could you make a game of it to get something achieved today? I know I become completely overwhelmed when there is too much to do and just sit immobile on the sofa. Could you ask the children to collect up all their dirty underwear and put it in the washing machine? Do you have a tumble drier? If so just put a wash of just underwear on and then put it in the tumble drier and put it away. Tomorrow the children have clean underwear. Next can they collect all the other dirty washing, or dirty crockery and put them in the kitchen/by the washing machine. If you can make it fun it won't seem like they're doing chores and they'll be interacting with you and getting praise from you. Then clear off the sofa and snuggle under a duvet to watch a film. When they go to bed, clean the kitchen, and when you get up tomorrow things will seem a little better, and with a clearer house comes a clearer head

Few ideas
Use the weekends to get ahead so clean, get children involved in that, do washing and plan your week ahead
Could you start them off on schoolwork and then reward them with tv or different toys? Reward for not interrupting you for half hours at a time, set a timer.
Plan time to focus on their work individually. Then they need to play on their own whilst you’re with other one.
Give them an incentive - if I can have your rooms tidied and this piece of work done - we can go for a walk and get chocolate from the shop.
All have a tidy at the end of the day - put music on to motivate them.
Go to bed earlier so you aren’t so shattered.
Good luck x

I also pick out clothes (including socks and underwear) the night before and make a packed Lunch for each of us so we’re not wasting time at lunchtime.

I’ve had a much more productive week this last week by just making to-do lists. I’m furloughed and supposedly homeschooling one 9yo but for the first two weeks of Jan I basically did fuck all.

Lists mean that instead of idly thinking I might do XYZ today I actually get off my arse and do it. So DS has done all his subjects everyday (I made a pretty chart), I’ve managed to empty the washing basket and the house has been pretty clean and tidy.

The items on my list are tiny things, literally ‘put one load of laundry on’ ‘empty dishwasher’ so I do one thing at a time and then it doesn’t feel overwhelming.

But don’t beat yourself up. We’re all struggling. My diet is shit and I’m drinking too much, not exercising at all (my job is v active).

When you are stressed it affects your executive functioning- all those planning parts of your brain.

• Would you consider seeing your Dr about your anxiety?

• Can you afford a robot hoover? It has motivated my kids to tidy up their toys so that he can come out to play

• Do you have a slow cooker? There are tons of properly no prep recipes on line that you can stick on in the morning, or failing that can you switch to very basic food for a bit?

• Are you getting some exercise each day? It will release at least some of the adrenaline that you e got in your body.

• Can you scale down the homeschool? We're using apps as we can't manage the full amount they are being given as two stressful WFH jobs. Duolingo for French which is free on my phone, paid maths games (obs this is a big assumption you have devices).

Sending hugs, it's appalling to have to do all this atm

OP you aren’t failing you are a fucking hero! And your kids will appreciate that long term.

You gotta prioritise:

• your kids are little and will catch up, so if slowing down on your business will cause you to loose it, keeping your business going is the priority. Scale down what you do with the kids, explain your tough situation to the school and see if they can help. Let go of guilt, figure out what the minimum is (an hour a day or so). Buy a bunch of books to encourage reading, and a skipping rope and (if you can afford it) a trampoline to get them to burn off energy so they can focus for that hour. If you can afford it a bit of online tutoring is an option for the 7 year old. Chill, they will catch up.

• if on the other hand you can put the business on pause and use the grants to pay the bills, do that. But only if you really can - don’t take any risks or get into debt.

• Can you get a child minder to get some kid free time? (I dunno what the rules are right now)

Grunt work - make a list of all the shit that takes time and figure out how you can make it easier

• Get in as much help as possible - get a cleaner if you possibly possibly can (I’d move heaven and earth to afford this) - do not worry c the state of the house - loads of people feel like this and then they finally get one they are furious with themselves for not doing it earlier. Have them do a big initial clean up if you can afford it.

• Use Cook meals (the family sized ones are good value) and all possible short cuts (lots of threads on here)

• would a virtual assistant help with accounts, admin etc - if so get one

• simple tidy up methods as mentioned up thread. Stick a rota on the wall. But get a cleaner to do the actual cleaning.

Start looking after yourself - you are no good to your kids or your business if you fall apart

• prioritise sleep
• make sure you and the kids get out every day for a 45 min walk
• Chuck the crap out of the house (your kids won’t come to any harm from not eating it) but get yourself nice food that will make you feel looked after. Protein at every meal. Lots of fruit and veg. Don’t worry c eating a bit too much but don’t binge or eat much crap (food hangovers are a real thing)

• get at least 3O mins to relax before bed, whether that’s crap telly, a book or a bath or yoga. (Crap telly is a fine option)

• talk to a friend at least twice a week.

And finally - hopefully the above will sort you put, but if not do talk to your GP about anxiety (or if it is a big problem - do it now). I resisted it for years, went in autumn, got 50mg of sertraline and I am finding it much easier to be focused as am not being hijacked by emotion and worry, it has evened my moods, no intellectual dullness at all. I am also doing CBT which I think is important, but given you are so busy you could put that on ice till you can make time.

Sending you a massive hug OP as I totally feel your pain. You're spread too thin, expecting yourself to excel with all aspects of life when it's impossible right now. I'm in a similar situation but not running my own business and have DS with SEN and an anxious teen and a DH who is burnt out and working very long, strange hours. I've told work I'm drowning and they're sympathetic but I still need to deliver basically. I have given myself a shake this last week, got organised and I feel better for it.

What helps me the most is to do a load of washing each night and I save all the days washing up for after dinner. I felt like I was washing up all day long and my hands were getting dry and sore. Ok the kitchen mings a bit for a while but it works for me. If I've got clean pants and somewhere clean to cook the next day I can function. (Have no room for a dishwasher sadly, have tried!)

I am also getting DS in to bed and then going to bed myself. I'm no good if I'm tired AND anxious. I just tell myself I'll catch up on trashy telly at the weekend. That way, you can get up a bit earlier when you're fresher (and it's quieter) and organise your work priorities and keep it realistic. I can't fit 15 hours of work in a 7 hour timeframe.

The kitchen is all clean and ready for breakfast and I put the washing in the dryer and everyone has clean pants in an hour if needed. The rest of the house can rot until the weekend or if the teenager wants to earn extra money to buy stuff online. I really doesn't matter as no one is coming round to see it anyway.

I've told school what I'm dealing with and they understand. If we get one piece of work done after breakfast then great. We always make time for lunch and a walk, and DC can game / screen from 1:30-6pm so I can work and he is isn't too wired for bed. Last week this worked for all of us and teen DC is more motivated with their schoolwork too.

Just find your flow OP and you'll feel so much better. Be kind to yourself