Would you move away from family and friends to retire?

[DareIask]

Something we've been toying with for a couple of years.

Would love to move to a more rural area (that we know and love) but our family and friends are in our home town.

I'm reasonably sure there will be grandchildren in the equation soon too.

Has anyone done this? I love our home right now and we've been here many many years.. could somewhere else be 'home'?

Don't know. We're debating doing the same, but are talking about going and trying it out for a year and seeing how it goes. Have had 20 years prioritising the kids and just starting to see the light and think about plans.

We thought we would move to the area we have a 2nd home for many years

Now the reality is getting closer, and the 1st grandchild is cooking nicely, I don't think we will

I am semi retired and plan to play a big part in my gc life. I couldn't do that from a long drive away

Yes, anything up to 5hrs travel wouldn’t bother me.

I wouldn't , if you want to play an active part in a grandchild's life it's nice to be near by and just pop round or when they are older they come to yours for tea rather than have to have a long pre arranged visit. I also think friends are very important and wouldn't want to move where I had none.

No.

I had to to escape ex. I miss the (adult) children but we visited regularly until lockdown, they FaceTime daily though. Other than that, best move I ever made. Beautiful countryside, made some wonderful friends and an safe.

Both my parents and in laws have moved away. In laws went 10 years ago before we had DS, they are 3hrs away. MIL would love more time with him, but she doesn't drive and DS doesn't travel well (and lockdown) means she doesn't see him much. My DP moved in October. Before DM would see us weekly and she is struggling. They are 5hrs away. She keeps making plans for lockdown to be over but they won't happen but this is her way of coping. I think if you would be happy having a distanced relationship with any grandchildren do it. However both DH and I know our parents aren't happy being this far away, they love their lives and where they live, but want more of a relationship with DS. I hope that makes sense?

No, never. My nan did this and ended up choosing a house in a country village, thinking that that was the ideal retirement dream, but the reality as she aged was it became very difficult for her to get out and about, she had no one nearby to help her, she ended up very isolated and constricted. Had she remained near family, we could've just popped in to see her, she would never have ended up as alone as she had, even those of us who couldn't drive could just walk over to her house and see her. Shops were nearby her, her friends were nearby....and she left it all because she thought the dream of living in a countryside village was amazing. It wasn't, she hated it.

@AnyFucker

We thought we would move to the area we have a 2nd home for many years

Now the reality is getting closer, and the 1st grandchild is cooking nicely, I don't think we will

I am semi retired and plan to play a big part in my gc life. I couldn't do that from a long drive away

This is us exactly.

How close to arriving on the scene are the grandchildren, op ?

I thank my lucky stars, and the quirks of time, that my daughter got pregnant before we made a mistake and upped sticks. It makes me feel a bit sick that with the added logistical difficulties of the pandemic and travelling out of area banned, we could have missed a lot of those precious early months.

I love new babies though. Not everybody does. As it stands, my dd and her DH live a 15 minute walk away. Just perfect for a pram push back to my house

I am a walk away from my dgs, don't ever want to be any further away, (well maybe by the time he is a teenager and nana has become boring and smells of wee ) I would hate to be far away, we have been able to be a huge help to our dd and sil and it would have really hit them financially without my childcare, not that they take it for granted, thankfully.

My elderly DPs are also a walk away, they downsized and chose to nearer us, this lockdown has shown it was a very good idea, we have all been able to pull together to help them with shopping etc, They also are so pleased to have our company, even a doorstep delivery is seen as a 'social moment'. I have read that as you get older, being near to family is a huge benefit towards health, both physical and mental.

You're such sensible people... retiring to the countryside is such a dream, but you are right the reality might be different

My DP moved to the country when we grew into young adults. All fine until they have become older and frailer. DF got very sick and I was trailing up and down endlessly and to be honest it made me pretty resentful. Now it’s just my DM and she’s doing well but I dread the time she also begins to decline.

On the other hand we’ve all had many years of having somewhere nice to visit and they have been happy there so it’s a tricky one.

I would never leave my friends and family. They are too important to me.

It depends on how close you are to friends and family. If the area you are moving to has good transport links and you can visit regularly, that's one thing. Moving somewhere with no public transport to speak of and limited facilities is another. I think the logistics of adult children being able to visit and being able to afford to gets increasingly important. We are thinking of moving again to be closer to our adult children now as we hardly see them. If you make good friends in the area that would be great, but it's often very hard to make new friends later in life, depending on where you are living.

My DM is originally from a rural area and has strong links there as her family are still there.
My DF would happily move there once she retires but she feels she would miss her friends, adult DC who live nearby and the convenience of city living.
My DF has never lived full-time in the country so has a somewhat rosy view.
As she nears retirement age people she knows in the rural area have asked if she will be moving back "home" when she retires.
A childhood neighbour who is around 7 years older and so already retired told her she was also asked that a lot and couldn't understand why people would expect her to move from shops/cafes/hospitals etc she could walk to or take taxis for relatively low cost to a place where once you can't drive you are wholly reliant on the kindness of family/neighbours or very expensive taxis.
Especially as you could be very fit but lose your vision for night driving for example long before you would be considered elderly.
If you do make the move try to factor in public transport/walking safety in your new location.
I am 40 but due to health problems had a year of not being able to go anywhere I wasn't accompanied. The loss of independence was nearly harder than the sickness and pain to cope with.

My DPs did and didn't regret it. They made lots of new friends while still keeping up with the old ones.

But you need to think really carefully about location - super rural is not a great idea as you get older, a small country town is better for facilities, shops and cafes you can walk to, stuff going on, etc. At some point you may not be able to drive any more, and in an isolated location, even some villages, you're pretty stuck.

My in laws and parents did this so I say NO WAY!

My in laws were about 250 miles away in a 2 bed bungalow - 3 children 2 dogs all expected to come for special occasions and bunk up overnight in the living room etc. 4/5 hour drive each way, whole weekend taken up with packing, driving etc and then no sleep when you got there. You have to have a fantastic relationship with all of your children and their partners to make it work - once all the children partnered up there were 8 of us with one toilet - it was bluddy awful. Then they'd give the big guilt trip - don't leave it so long next time etc.

My own parents, who watched this play out for 10 years then decided to move 350 miles away - 4 hours minimum - another 2 bed place.

We just about managed when we all lived near but once you threw in planning, weekends spent travelling - travel costs, distance physically and emotionally things fell apart.

My Mum and Dad live so far away you can't do it for a weekend - you need time off work too. I work full time with 20 days holiday - hard to commit to using that time.

Lockdown has been a nightmare for them. We can't do their shopping or pop in or go for a walk with them or anything - I've not seen my mum and dad since 18th October 2019 - and won't be seeing them any time soon. I'm facing the fact that at their ages we might never see them again.

When my Mum had a stroke there was nothing I could do to help - just trying to do her power of attorney was a nightmare with posting back and forth.

It doesn't help that my daughter is in a wheelchair and we can't even get her into their garden yet alone their house.

They have two children, two grandchildren and three great grandchildren that they almost never see.... but they claim family is everything to them.

I swear I won't put my daughter/grandchildren through it. It just makes things so unbelievably difficult.

God knows what will happen when one of them dies - at the moment I don't even know how we could get to their funeral as we can't stop in their house with daughter etc... a fucking nightmare is what I call it...

... but hey they live by the sea in a really pretty area and say it's the "best thing they've ever done" so what do I know!

I have every intention of moving into the city when I retire I love the idea of a lovely flat in Manchester being close to the theatre (remember them?) Restaurants (happy memories) yet not too far to hop on a train to the countryside.

We've moved abroad but we're at the earlier stage of family life (our son is 6). I have always wanted to live abroad and my husbands heritage is west African although he was born in the U.K. so we are now living there. My motto in life is that it's better to regret things you have done than things you haven't. You can always move back if it doesn't work out. We are 6 months in and so far it's been great.

We're thinking about it. We stayed in an area that was sensible when we had young DC and have (my) elderly parents fairly near. I was divorced and it felt wrong to take them away from their (asshole of a) father and GPs. They are now mostly grown up and have left home. One teen left at home.

(Current) DH is from a very long way away. We are considering re-locating there once last child is away. I have basically stayed in my home area, which didn't particularly suit me, because it was better for other people. Once I no longer have to consider that I'm thinking of moving.

Yes, absolutely. We've moved every ten years in our married life - over 30 years and I am so ready for a final move.

My DPs moved away when they retired- they were able to retire at 60, full of energy & enthusiasm and had 20+ years of fabulous retirement in a beautiful part of the country (great for holidays), they are very sociable and outgoing though and found it very easy to get involved in the community and make new friends. But I have always found the same whenever we've moved.
I can imagine our DS would stay near 'home' when he finishes Uni which will coincide with our retirement plans (hopefully) ... I can't wait to move on .... , I love new opportunities.

Yes done this once children adults. Moved to a beautiful part of the country amazing countryside, lots to do and get involved on. Excellent transport links. Easy access straight onto main roads and great amenities. We are only 1hrs drive away from family and until lockdown I thought I had the best of both worlds living rurally but close enough to see family and friends.

It is possible to do it and be very happy but do your research carefully about the location.

Good luck with it

My children moved away from me.
One lived next door but two.
The other about 5 minute walk.

They both live a 6 min drive away now.
I’ve timed it. It’s hell I tell you!

Joking apart. No I would never leave my children. I live in a great part of the north east.
Fabulous beaches, countryside just minutes away. Nice parks.
I do miss my grandkids popping in, or running up as they used to when I parked my car but leave them...never.
We bought a static caravan near york so go for long weekends and have the best of both worlds.
We could afford to sell up and go to live in the canary isles but I’d miss my family terribly.

We normally have three Tenerife holidays over winter. October, March and December.
We didn’t get there in December this year as my test got lost but at least managed March and October.

Having my family close has made lockdown survivable.

If you want to enjoy another part of the uk, get a tourer.
If you don’t want to tow it, put it on a site.
Don’t buy a static unless you’ve gone through everything with a fine tooth comb

It’s a fabulous life, but you can be caught by the short and curlies by unscrupulous park owners, which is why I suggested a tourer.
Ours was big with a deluxe bathroom.
If there’s problems with the site owners you can easily move, not so statics

We are happy with our site but it can all change on a sixpence.

Oh and never pay more than you can afford to walk away from. Never buy to rent. Never let park owners rent out your van if you do get one and choose a site that allows vans of any age, usually small family run ones

We have the best of all worlds. Home, our Tenerife life, and our N Yorks life..till bloody C came along

My in laws moved abroad, and complain quite a lot about how little they see the grandchildren.

And it's not that easy to help them if they need it from this distance.

They want to come back, partly because of the grandchildren and the NHS, and partly because although they laughed at us every time we said voting for Brexit was a bad idea for people who were using their EU membership rights to live in an EU country, and they've laughed at my husband for 4 years as he's tried to get them to get ready for it...Brexit has rather screwed them over on several levels.

But they can't buy in the U.K. until they sell in the EU.

I guess my point is, if you go, and it doesn't work for whatever reason, how easy will it be to come back?

I don't think I would be happy being more than an hour away from Dgc. Purely hypothetical musing though as DS is 4