Feeling ugly

[Bananacookie]

I'm going through a stage where I just feel paranoid. I feel like I don't know how I really look. I've not got a good phone. It was cheap. I wear Estée Lauder foundation. I put neutral eye shadow on and a natural looking blusher. Mascara too. In the mirror I look flawless or at least healthy. I often think I look nice. Then...

I put the front camera on and it's just a washed out white face. With lines that highlight my nose cartilage and puffy lines on my cheek bones. I've tried everything. Natural light outside also doesn't show my makeup up.

My phone changes my skin tone. My hair colour changes too. I've tried the back camera but it bloats my face and makes my nose look huge and my body that's closer look chubbier.

Somehow everyone else's selfies show their makeup.

I look better in mirrors. But according to the internet they make you look nicer. They are flipped versions. But also change your features.

I'm not one of those girls you can take a natural shot of and I'll look pretty. I will look dumpy. My expression will be gormless. It will be an awful angle. My mum's deleted photos of me before because she said the camera makes me look big and I'm only a size 10 now.

I've never had many photos taken but I looked through old photos yesterday and cringed. I thought you've never taken a good picture. You just can't pull it off!

I'm picking myself apart because I fear the photos are how I look and I've fooled myself everytime I've looked in the mirror. There's something depressing about having a full face of makeup on and still looking bare faced and plain in photos.

I met someone in the summer and we stood Infront of eachother once for a few minutes talking. I've only seen them at a distance since. we want to start dating after lockdown ends. But after seeing 2 of his ex's pictures online I think he didn't look closely enough at me and i have lost all my confidence with that too. I'm slowly trying to end it with him as I can't face him. I'm worried he's mislead by the photos on Facebook that have been flukes with lighting.

I have never had low self esteem like this. But nobody else seems to have this problem with pictures.

I just want to rant. Thanks for reading.

The everybody else you mention will use filters and photoshop and all manner of digital alchemy so you aren't comparing like with like. I'd prefer a natural photo any day

I'm not photogenic at all but I'm old!
My friend sent me some pics of when I was 21 and I was cringing so much. I was never an oil painting.
I'm sure you look lovely though op.

People aren't that interested in how you look, they are far too self absorbed to be taking as much notice as we think they are.
Take yourself for example. You wouldn't notice how pale anyone else is because you are too busy wondering what the other person thinks of you.
Appearance is just one part of a person.
Your mother sounds like a very judgemental person who has contributed to your obsession with looks and then basing your self worth on that.
The guy you like, likes you for yourself. The lovely person you are. But you have found a reason to ditch him based on a scenario you have made up. You prefer to deprive him the opportunity to decide for himself. You fear judgement.
Do you judge everyone else you meet only on their looks? Is that being fair to people?
Your post made me a bit sad. One because your mother doesn't know what damage she is doing/has done to her daughter with her judgemental comments, and two, that you are so focussed on this phone picture thing that it's costing you your enjoyment of life. Don't let these worrisome thoughts ruin your life.