I dont feel I deserve my DP

[Imcrc]

I dont really know what I want to hear from this but I think I just want to talk about it.
I developed anxiety after my first baby, took me a while to seek help as I hate addressing it. When I fell pregnant with my second I didnt want to get where I was before, and everything going on with the first lockdown I wanted to get on top of it before it got on top of me again! And although I wasnt perfect I felt so much better after therapy during lockdown. I had my baby in October and the first month was great. Now I'm really spiraling. I feel so annoyed at myself! I'm stuck in my head all the time. I feel guilty about everything and I have this constant feeling of stress and I cant really pain point what's really stressing me out. Just everything. I'm feeling distant to my eldest and its breaking my heart. DP is so much more fun than me she wants to do everything with him and doesnt want me to put her to bed anymore..
For some reason, what makes me feel worse is that DP amazing. Hes such a full on dad, hes such a calm engery. Hes gorgeous too, everyone always comments on it. He literally does so much for me and our girls. He let's me have lie ins even if he has work, he cleans and cooks. He makes sure to give me time in the day to work out and tries so hard to keep me motivated, but he still complements me now even though I'm the biggest I've ever been. I honestly feel like I dont deserve him. I get annoyed at myself when I'm acting frantic and he doesnt. I'm so stuck in my head about feeling guilty, he does so much. My baby is very clingy and likes to feed alot (shes breastfed) so I spend a lot of time feeding her. I just feel like I could always be doing more..
I am struggling to be intimate with him at all too, I cant bare the thought of being touched right now. And again, although hes expressed concern about this hes not annoyed at all. He just said whenever I'm ready.
Maybe it's some deep rooted self sabotage and I'm trying to push him away as I feel I really dont deserve him.
How do I get out of this rut, reading this back I sound ridiculous and I know I'm being ridiculous! In the moment I just cant shake this feeling. I am so lucky with healthy children and such a supportive DP. Why am I like this.

You poor pet. Your baby is still tiny. Of course you’re all over the place emotionally.

You sound like you really love your DH. Ask yourself would you do the same for him if you could and roles were reversed? This is what we do for the people we love. We let them lean on us when times are tough.

You’ll get there. The skills you’ve gained in therapy will help but right now you’re in the sink or swim phase of small babyhood. Just treading water is enough. Let your DH sort out the rest and you’ll be able to link back in when the baby is less utterly dependent on you and the haze clears.

And I also totally hear you about feeling guilty/jealous about your eldest being so attached to your DH right now. That happened with my eldest when I had DD2 as well but in the end I just rolled with it because DD1 needed someone to be her lovely little self with and I couldn’t be that person right then.

But it all worked out, and it will all be ok. You need to remember you and your DH are a team. He’s not going anywhere.

My two are now 4 & 6 and absolutely adore each other (when they aren’t trying to kill each other but that’s par for the course really!). DH and I both get to spend really lovely one on one time with each of the DC and our relationship is back to being an actual relationship rather than us basically being roommates who share care of some kids!

Keep the faith and don’t feel bad for accepting help. Xx

@redlimoncello
Thank you for your lovely comments.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who has been through this with my eldest DD.
I just think I need a bit of normality and I'm struggling a bit in this lockdown.. hopefully the dust will settle soon. I need just just try and be a more positive and start using the tips my therapist gave me.. just need to muster the energy after feeling stressed all day.🤦‍♀️haha

There’s a really good discussion more than just the blues about the full range of perinatal hormonal mood effects. We tend to hear about pnd but it’s much more complex than that. It doesn’t specifically address what you’re describing but I think you might relate. There’s a lot of giddy chatter at the beginning but the interview when it gets going is very good.

For what it’s worth I was convinced that my dh was having an affair after each of my dc were born. I can relate to a lot of those feelings and when my youngest was 3 it was like a fog lifting.