I am utterly lacking in gravitas, charisma, oh and a spine! What can I do?

[Wheresmyspinegone]

I'm very frustrated with myself and concerned that as my two very young daughters grow up they will not have a strong role model in me.

I'm reasonably intelligent and prior to maternity was a head of department in a large corporate organisation. Therefore presumably I have some competence as well, at least on paper, but when it comes to people skills I feel I really don't deliver - with a few exceptions.

I feel like I quickly ascertain what a person I'm speaking to thinks of me, and instead of working to challenge it, I subconsciously mirror it! This means that, especially with particularly assertive people, I come across as clueless with my head in the clouds. Sometimes, I'll come across someone (and they can be extremely senior and highly regarded) who I can tell does respect me (normally because they encountered the quality of my professional work before the person, or because I've managed to make a good first impression) and it's completely different, I feel like I'm tuned into their wavelength and become articulate and forthright.

On the flip side I can easily walk into a normal day to day situation like going to the hairdressers and it can be apparent that they think I'm a bit stupid and strange and I somehow seem to perpetuate that by being really awkward and not really able to speak properly.

When I was a teenager I remember being teased etc and not having a clue how to react - I just sort of laughed it off. If someone is rude to me I'm embarrassed rather than cross and feel like if I came across as a bit less bloody feeble people might treat me differently.

I'm a mother of two young children and even encounter this problem with my step mum in law and feel embarrassed about my parenting in front of her, though I never let it change the way I do things for the sake of my children.

Recently had some actual lessons with a drama teacher to act out scenarios I was worried about and it helped enormously but I just can't afford to continue for every awkward situation I might encounter. For example we role played a common worry of mine - that I'd ask my team to do something and they'd simply refuse, and then I'd have no idea what to say!

I know this is a very self absorbed post and I promise I'm not really, I've come to terms with it for myself even though I think it hinders my success in every avenue of life, but I really want to be an assertive role model for my daughters and am at a bit of a loss as to how to be better at people skills. It's like I have a mental block and freeze when in a tricky situation, and become submissive.

Pre lockdown my toddler for example might have a toy taken from her at playgroup by another child and would look to me to know what to do - and I wouldn't know how to handle it! Would another mother take the toy back, or say it's ok and she should share it? I suppose the answer is to say to my DD that it was not nice of the boy to snatch and she can find another toy to play with

Anyway - any suggestions welcome please! Sorry for such a long post.

I hope someone comes along with better advice but ...

Firstly, it's really common to be unsure of yourself as a parent when you first start out.
Much of what you've talked about in your post is actually about you as a parent.
Many women feel really perplexed - and judged! You've never done it before & you just get thrown in at the deep end.
It does pass, though.

Next, well, despite your fears, you are loved and have achieved some success in your workplace - you can't be that bad!

I think you are describing a lack of confidence - exacerbated now because of motherhood. I suspect you're right when you identify childhood teasing as the root of that.

It's amazing how damaging poor experiences with peers in childhood can be.

What to do now? Consciously practise being proud of yourself? Acknowledge choices you make? Notice the things you do, the choices you make, so that you can learn to know yourself and love yourself?
And - that old MN favourite - practise saying, 'No' (or 'yes') in low-stakes situations, so that you overcome your fear of rejection by/the consequences of incurring the anger of others.

You're more than a match for others and you are deeply loveable for who you are.

Oh, and it's lovely to see someone using 'gravitas' and 'charisma' in an OP. You're witty and articulate. You clearly aren't lacking at all.

What was your childhood like? I ask because I have similar problems, which I believe stem from an abusive step parent who took every opportunity to belittle me and laugh at me while I was growing up. My reaction to workplace bullying is to shy away and feel meek, embarrassed and sometimes cry in the toilets. Yet my professional communication on email is confident and well received. If I can plan ahead I speak well, but in the moment I crumble.

My counsellor helped me to connect this to my childhood but that's as far as it went. She seemed to think that by realising the link my problems would magically vanish but I'm no further forward on it so I would be interested to see if anyone here can help.

@thecatfromjapan thank you for your really nice reply! I definitely agree about practicing saying "no" etc because I absolutely struggle with this although have got a little better more recently, and obviously had to learn to do so in a professional capacity.

I do lack in confidence, and I do feel judged, but the odd thing is objectively I'm quite happy with myself and reasonably confident in my abilities EXCEPT in my ability to communicate in person. I might feel for example that I'm able to make a sound decision about something, I'm sure it's the right thing to do and have considered all angles and am not doubting myself, but when I anticipate somebody thinking that it's a poor decision I cannot seem to defend that choice robustly at all. I just go to pieces, even though inside I'm quite confident of myself. That said, I am a bit unsure of "who" I am, sometimes. I don't know how to explain that fully.

To try and mitigate my problems, sometimes I've actually had to take a moment to compose myself after being bulldozed (for example in a business meeting), consider what I should have said and then say "actually, I'd like to go back to that as I don't think I explained myself fully". Then, sometimes, I can retrieve the situation but it's not ideal

@DayBath it's so interesting to hear from someone who feels the same although I'm sorry that you do, and also sorry to hear about your childhood. Mine was happy really, although sometimes a bit isolated. I think my mum is quite similar to me and I notice her often being talked over or disregarded too. Though I don't "blame" her at all, I also don't want to repeat history for my daughters but I'm at a loss as to how to get myself together. I've noticed my preschool age daughter moves out of the way instantly if another child pushes in front of her, for example, rather than standing her ground as another child might. I'm not sure if that's learnt, or inherited.

Saying that, perhaps visualisation or similar might be a good angle? Perhaps each morning I could practice and visualise a different difficult scenario in my head until I'm confident of my response in a number of different situations. The drama lessons really helped. I did try hypnotherapy briefly but it wasn't much use.

I will say that my DH describes a couple of family members as being emotionally abusive towards me but that was when I lived with them briefly in early adulthood, and I was already like this long before then. I also personally think it's a stretch to say they were at all abusive towards me, but I think my inability to explain myself meant that a lot of the time I was simply misunderstood and they'd think the worst of me. It felt a bit like one those can't do right for doing wrong on a daily basis but in hindsight I can understand their perspective, they just never saw mine because I never gave it to them

I have very similar feelings OP, and lockdown hasn't helped.

It annoys me to admit it, but the way I look really influences how I feel. I There are certain outfits that really make me feel like I'm worth something. Now at the minute I look more like Bernie Sanders did at yesterdays' inauguration, and I feel it affecting my self worth.

Yoga also really helped me with this. I was very sceptical at first, but the right class is soothing and calming. When I get nervous my breathing suffers and I become out of breath very quickly. The focus on breathing helped me to be able to 'take a deep breath' and respond to a situation. also I sleep much better when I have been to yoga. It forced me to take better care of myself- I drank more water and ate well, as well as more annoyingly vain things like taking care of my feet, which tend towards the gnarly.

I have also tried to put the idea that I 'can't' speak in public out of my head, which isn't easy. Pre-covid, I forced myself to speak to strangers as much as I could. I think even practising ordering a coffee helped me with dealing with the nerves.

I know this sounds like horribly out-dated and unfeministy advice, but it is what has helped me.

OP I am very similar to you! I’ve done well academically/at work, but I grew up in a home with domestic violence and I can’t believe I’m as good as the people around me; people just seem to know how to communicate face to face and I always feel like I am awful at it! Something that’s helped me is to model how I behave on someone at work who I really admire...if I have a meeting etc I almost pretend I am that person and speak how I imagine they would. It’s not addressing my reasons for feeling inferior I guess but it’s really helped me.

It's interesting that your husband thinks some people were abusive towards you, it reminded me that for a long time I never considered myself to be the victim of abuse at all. It was only through telling a counsellor about some key interactions with my step parent that they pointed out it was in fact emotional abuse. I'm not saying you definitely were abused but I do wonder if you have normalised a lot of unfair behaviour towards you and learned over the years to just take it?

I think we learn very early on in our lives whether to be passive or stand up for ourselves and it's so hard to overcome as it's so ingrained. After lockdown I'm going to look into self defence classes as I think there is always an innate fear for women of strong aggressive males even if they aren't being physical. I think if I learn to kick ass then I might find those dominating bully characters less intimidating in work settings....just a theory though.

My friend had some success with assertiveness courses that her workplace offered too. It might be worth looking into things like that?

On the flip side I can easily walk into a normal day to day situation like going to the hairdressers and it can be apparent that they think I'm a bit stupid and strange and I somehow seem to perpetuate that by being really awkward and not really able to speak properly

Yes!! I recognize this so much. I have a high paid, incredibly responsible job but this is me!! I become an awkward blithering idiot in some situations and the bit about somehow perpetuating what they think by being really awkward and not being able to speak properly is particularly familiar.

Our DC are all in their early/mid twenties though so it's not baby brain etc.

Gosh I think a lot of people experience this, I know I do. But it does seem OP that you are ruminating on this a lot - and focusing on what is wrong with you (nothing) or what people might think is wrong with you (they aren’t thinking about you), and what might possibly go wrong in every situation.

Rumination can get worse, so I would tackle this now with a course of CBT. Drama coaching sounds like it could be useful, but you need to tackle the thinking at the route of it. It’s not for everyone but it has a high hit rate so give it a go.

Root not route!

Hi OP, do any of these traits ring any bells with you? You have to scroll down a bit before the author lists them (warning: long!)

taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/moving-towards-a-female-profile-the-unique-characteristics-abilities-and-talents-of-asperwomen-adult-women-with-asperger-syndrome/

Hi OP, if it’s any consolation I feel exactly the same way: I can’t understand how I can be confident and assertive in some situations and a crumbling wallflower in others. Like you say, it does seem to be some sort of response to how I think the other person sees me : a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we all relate to this then I wonder if it is in fact very normal and yet nobody really speaks of it.

Hmmm. I suggested to a civil service fast-streamer that I was managing that they needed to develop a bit more gravitas. She had just duck-taped a colleague to a chair.

Your expectations of 'gravitas' may be higher than they need be? If in doubt, ask yourself if you have just duck-taped anyone to anything.

It's not just you, I do the exact same thing and it infuriates me about myself but I can't seem to stop! I think I just want to be liked deep down, even thought rationally I know that work people aren't my friends..

The Enneagram I used to think was a load of tosh but as a mother trying to also have a career it has clicked finally.. type 9.. look it up and see if it resonates.

I will say, your technique for dealing with being bulldozed in a meeting is absolutely great, I have done that on occasion. It depends on workplace culture which is so often about who can shout loudest or say the fanciest thing in that moment, rather than people thinking before they speak or trying to actually listen to other people's perspectives and bring together a win-win solution.

If you read up on the type 9 there are a lot of strengths to do with peacemaking and productively using empathy, which I was relieved to find I did actually have and I wasn't just a pathetic doormat!

Thank you for all these replies, I'm sorry that others are having awkward moments but it's comforting to know I'm not alone

@DayBath what you say is very interesting - I think I have come to normalise unfair behaviour, but I think a large part of that is me simply allowing it to happen/expecting that another person would treat me fairly because I would for them, and actually life isn't like that. I remember being upset about a boyfriend being a bit selfish when I was a teenager and my friend got frustrated with me and said of course he is, because I allow it and never say a word. You'll be pleased to know my DH concurs I do not have a problem with this now, with him, but I'd struggle to be anything other than passive with others including family (but especially with dominant characters like my step mum). Luckily having DC has helped because I will always advocate for them

@MoodyMarshall I think I've read this before and yes, quite a lot of traits do, though some don't. I also looked into dyspraxia once as my coordination for certain things is very poor, I cannot dance at all for example and even following aerobics leaves me in a muddle, but I can ride a horse well.

@caramellie I totally understand the feeling of appearance helping, pre maternity and lockdown I used to spend a lot on my clothes and appearance and found that it made a huge difference. Yoga is an interesting idea, thank you

@Nomorescreentime I love that idea of modelling, I'm going to try that, thank you

@MerryDecembermas about to try the enneagram...

@partyatthepalace it probably would, and I definitely ruminate, but I just want to be a more effective communicator and it drives me mad that I'm not 😂 I suppose we can't all be skilled at everything we want to be and it's partly out of my control but it frustrates me a lot