Terrified I might be gay

[pearsandapples14]

I am 30 and married with a baby, I adore my husband and he is the kindest funniest man and has been so supportive through my PND which has made me quite ill at times.
I am not close to my family and him and his family have taken me in and made me feel so safe and loved.

I am absolutely tortured by the thought that I might be gay, I know I am at least bisexual and have always known. I think I am attracted to men but until my husband I would always break things off before sex as I just was terrified of it. Before I got pregnant, DH and I did have regular sex and I guess I did feel turned on by it although struggled to finish unless I helped myself.
Since I got pregnant we have only had sex once and baby is 6 months old, he just doesn't seem that interested and I haven't really pushed it. I do think he is really handsome.

I think about women a lot and my first reaction to finding out anyone is in a gay relationship is a kind of overwhelming curiosity which is tinged with envy. It's a running joke even with my husband that I am obsessed with women both celebrities and real life, but I would say I think I have found men attractive too in tv shows etc?

If I was having these thoughts six years ago it would be fine but I have a child now and I am so frightened to blow up my husbands world and hers. Separating I just don't think I could live, itwould mean she lost the beautiful house we live in, me not working to stay at home with her, parents together. I grew up with separated angry parents and I always swore I wouldn't inflict it on a baby and I just hate myself for even having these thoughts. I love my husband so much and don't want to lose him.

He's not one for discussing things like this, he likes to sweep things under the rug and has always refused to discuss eg sex or things we both like in the past, like it's awkward or something? I know it would destroy him.

I suppose what I want is to be told that this will pass and that I can come to terms with it and work on my marriage to my husband and let go of the 'what if?' I don't even know if I am gay or just bisexual and struggling with things after baby. Maybe the PND is making me think things wrongly. Any advice would be really appreciated as I just loathe myself right now.

Take your sexuality out of the equation.

Do you love your husband. Do you want to live with him.

You say you grew up with separated angry parents and hated it. Do you want you daughter to grow up with married angry parents?

You can be happily married to a person and still find other people attractive.

I'd be more concerned about the fact he won't discuss certain things with you.

It's quite normal to not be interested in sex after having a baby.

And get help for your PND.

Just here to say that separated parents don't have to be angry. Mine weren't and I'm lucky to have a third parent in my stepdad. Good luck, hope it works out.

I think what you need is to be able to talk about this more with either your OH or if that's just not possible then a counsellor. I would guess though - having a bisexual husband myself who didn't tell me for 20 years but often alluded to it - that your husband might be terrified that you're gay and not want to talk about it in the hope you can all just pretend it's not the case. He may want to stay away from sex altogether because he doesn't know if you want to have sex with him and doesn't want to risk the rejection or possible fallout, alternatively having a baby is exhausting so maybe it's just to do with that. Communication is the only way to find out.

It's not fair to stay with your husband if you aren't in love with him. If you love him but have no attraction then you both deserve to find someone who you are in love with. If you are in love with him but just also attracted to women then that's fine, there's really no need to loathe yourself. Would he be willing to watch some lesbian porn with you? It might really help if you can see your potential bisexuality as something fun that you can enjoy while being with your OH, rather than something that you loathe about yourself and causes you huge mental stress. You have to remember the novelty of it and having never tried t out it always going to give it that exciting edge.

If you can share this and talk about it with your OH though I think it's really going to help your relationship so you both know where you are and hopefully it will bring you closer as you understand each other better. Perhaps you could write him a letter, be clear about how much you love him, tell him you think you're bisexual and ask if he'd be prepared to explore that side of you with you by watching porn/talking about fantasies or whatever. Be prepared for him to need a bit of time to be shocked and process things though, it sounds like he may have his own issues with sex. Be open and honest with him, that and communication are so important in a relationship. x