Stupid things said in American courts

I got sent these from a chum at work this morning.

I laughed like a drain at some of them,. causing odd looks from colloegues.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are

things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

_

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

__


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

_

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?

_


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" -->

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

__


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

__


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

__


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

_


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?

__


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

__


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? -->

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a
different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?




ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

__


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

__


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead
people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would -->
you like to rephrase that?

__


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

__


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy on him!

__


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh.... are you qualified to ask that question?

__


- And the best for last -


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for
a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when -->

you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.