Ok, I’ve reached my limit, I’ve had enough

[Brownbananabandana]

This is a howl into the wind more than anything.... I’m exhausted. I’m working from home, freelance self employed, not had any government support since March, I’m homeschooling two primary aged children during the day and working at night to try to keep on top of what little work I do have. I’m working till 2am most nights, dragging myself through the days, house is a tip, I’m ratty, kids are bored, I’m fucked off and my mental health is going down the pan, I feel genuinely depressed. I’d love to be able to send the kids to school so I could focus and get some proper work done during the day, when are they going to be allowed back? This just isn’t sustainable, I’m in pieces.

Ah thanks for all the responses, I wasn’t expecting any! It really was just a hole in the wind, actually feel a bit better just for saying it or well writing it out loud.

I’m sorry there’s so many of us in the same position it is fucking shit and I feel for every single one of us.

Sorry for the delay in replying too, finally got the kids to bed and came straight up to work. It’s a really weird relationship with work at the minute during the day o feel like I’m drowning because I can’t just get down what I need to do and the dread of sitting down to it after a long day when I’m already tired is horrible, but once I sit down to it I always enjoy it and feel better.

To the previous poster who suggested I apply for the self employed grants.. seriously, don’t you think I did? I mean come on I’m not going to self inflict this on myself am I? I was ineligible because one of the three years assessed I was out on maternity, the second year I took a part time job to ease back into work, so calculated out over the three years I was self employed I earned a whole whopping 900 pounds less than the paye from the part time job So therefore fell foul of the 50:50 rule despite the fact I no longer needed the part time job and was back to fully self employed before the pandemic. Totally screwed over

However, I’m very fortunate to have work given the industry I work in which is in the arts and currently on its fucking knees but luckily I have good contacts with very resilient creative people who value me and are willing to employ me even though I’m unavailable during normal working hours when they could have had any number of other folk do what I do without the burden of child care, so there’s some positives.

random thought, I havnt checked the guidelines, but could you form a childcare bubble with another mum for swaps a couple of times a week? or is that swapping hell for hell. maybe get them childcare on a Saturday afternoon or something?

@Knitwit99 Apart from the crying part, that was a bit of a waste of precious time.

yes but it happens and it is ok. actually important, can be a step towards healing

@Knitwit99 I bet you felt better for it anyway though xx

Cut right back on kids education . Can't you get a job where your not self employed? Wouldn't that be less stressful? Wouldn't you get a guaranteed income then?

It's so hard OP. I've got three boys 9,10 and 11. Eldest has ASD and is in first year at high school. We're struggling with the remote learning . The other two who are normally super active are climbing the walls. As a self-employed lone parent I was just about keeping all the balls in the air before schools closed. Now I'm working into the night and then still stupidly trying to have an hour of downtime when everyone is asleep and staying up too late reading mumsnet . Hang on in there. I don't have much hope they'll open schools until after Easter so if they do it'll be a bonus. Hopefully the weather will improve and we can get out. It's shit but we'll get through it. Sending love and empathy

Hey op same industry here and similar situation re home school/work juggle etc. Just popped in to say check with the most recent grant - stage 3/4 as it's moved on a financial year now for the three years being assessed. Like you I'm self employed and had a period of maternity in two of the three years but in this most recent grant I actually received a lot more because it's moved on a year and included my most recent self assessment.

Just incase that's in any way useful, apols if not and sorry if I've missed anything that mentions this in your posts - see above re home school/work juggle.

I find the same as you that actually I enjoy the adult solitude of late night work but curse it in the morning when youngest DS (3) wants entertaining pre 7am!

@teapotuser like all those cyber security jobs for ballet dancers? I’ve spent 20 years building my career, I’m highly skilled in a really niche area, there’s not a wild pile of jobs on the ground... and certainly non that I could apply for in lockdown with a primary aged kids needing full time supervision!

@smileycath I hear ya, I’ve finished for the night and instead of going to sleep am not wired and scrolling mums net too... glad I’m not the only one who self sabotages with the need to have some me time even if it’s stupid!

@Impatientwino I went and had a dig around, I can’t see anywhere where it says the three years have been rolled on a year? Still 2016-17 - 2018-2019 as far as I can see, is there an exemption for some? Do you have a link anywhere? Have you already submitted your 2019-2020 tax return?

Hmmm you're absolutely right @Brownbananabandana I can only see online reference to 2018-2019 tax return being initial year for eligibility/amount to be calculated from.

However, I'm pretty sure my amount in the third grant was more than the first. I submitted my 19-20 assessment in early November so it was in before they would have calculated. Let me look up the figures and I'll reply on here later.

Apologies if what I said is garbage but I can't think of any other reason the amount is increased as first grant was 80% and so was third. I'll have a look and check the amount to see if I've infact just made this all up

I did have maternity leave in 18-19 year incase that's a factor...

I am very much hoping and praying after half term.

It is a month away, but then the infection rate will have dropped significantly, the hospitals will be managing the numbers much better.
Williamson confirmed this morning on sky that schools will be the last to close, first to open.