Just so depressed

[babycorn]

Anyone friendly out there?
Honestly I've just about had enough right now. Can't see a way out of anything. Single parent, father has no involvement because he's a completely arsehole (court ordered no contact and dd had a surname change to give an idea of what sort of person he is).
I am so tired. I work full time as a teacher and have done since she was ten months. I have no support. None. No-one.
I've had one night off since she was born and that was because I was in hospital having an operation.
I am feeling really sad at the moment.

I can't imagine how hard this is. I have an 8 month old and am really struggling at the moment and I'm on mat leave and have a supportive partner. You sound like a bloody superwoman! Your daughter is so lucky to have you and I'm sure she adores you, your relationship with her will be so close and special.
Is there any chance of taking a 'mental health day' or few days off work just to give yourself a breather if your daughter goes to childcare? I think better to consider that than to end up burning yourself out physically.

No wonder you feel so sad and depressed, you're at the end of your tether, you've so much on your plate, and no safety net. I've got no suggestions, just didn't want to read and run.

Also, could you look at smaller ways to treat yourself and add a little joy to life? So get yourself some nice chocolate, bath bomb, film to watch and take some time for yourself once your daughter is in bed?

I think nearly everyone‘s at their lowest ebb at the minute. I know I am. It’s a perfect storm of COVID, lockdown and the dingiest bit of the year. You’re doing amazingly well. Take each day one at a time and put THIS TOO WILL PASS on your fridge door.
How old is your daughter?

She is 3. And the light of my life. The only thing keeping me going.
I can't have a 'day off', it doesn't work like that.
I have a permanent headache from trying to juggle everything all the bloody time. All the time. I can physically feel my blood pressure rising, my chest is tight all the time. And I can literally feel the pressure rising, even something stupid like trying to get dd dressed in the morning.
Pretty sure I am headed for a nervous breakdown

babycom, I say this as someone who has been signed off and put on med's, for having very similar symptoms to you, you need to contact your GP. Especially since your on your own with your gorgeous wee girl. Don't leave it any longer, if you haven't already done it, get in touch, see what help they can give you, and grab it with both hands.

.
I didn't want to read and just scroll on by so I've brought you a cup of tea .

Agree with mbosnz, ring your surgery tomorrow. I’m a teacher too, signed off with anxiety and depression after the year from hell. There’s only so much you can take before you burn out.

I am already on antidepressants, and normally they numb me.
But this is too much

I’ve been there.

Most mothers never know what it’s like to be truely on your own with a child. Most have either a DP, an ex who takes them or their own mother/family to provide some respite.

Having none of that makes mothering 1000x harder.

My lunchtimes still work were my only downtime.

Are you wfh?

Is she in nursery atm?

If you are at that end of your tether you could get signed off for a couple of weeks, still put her in nursery and just rest.

No one can work 24/7 with no respite ever.

Is she in childcare? Could you put her in for some extra days over the school holidays, so that you can get some time to yourself? I know lots of teachers who do this

She's at nursery. But wfh is even worse than being at school. I can't go anywhere or do anything in between lessons, and they take so much planning and delivering them online is so draining.
I basically sit at my dining room table all day, planning, marking, and teaching. Can't get out, getting massively fat, and am just so tired by the end of each day, have no energy by the time I pick dd up. When I've been sitting on my arse all day.
I am just so sad right now.

Will she be at nursery during half term? If not then maybe book her in so that you can have a bit of time to yourself. Maybe organise a child fee walk somewhere nice with a friend

If you're in north London happy to come over and childmind in your home while you do something else this Saturday or Sunday.

I am in north London. But I just want to spend time with her when I am not tired and stressed and strung out all the time.
It makes me so sad, I am not good enough for her

You are good enough for her. You are her Mum. You are the one person in the world that is perfect for her in her eyes. You are her world.

But I am not good enough. I don't deserve her. I am always so stressed about everything. I haven't got time to be a good mum

I think taking some time out for yourself ( if you can) can be really important in destressing and finding energy for the time you do have together

Honey, you might be on anti-depressants already, but you might need dosage adjusting? Please get in touch with your GP. Is there anyone, a friend, or colleague, that you can ring and talk to?

It makes me so sad, I am not good enough for her

You are plenty good enough for her. You are exhausted. Please ask your GP to sign you off work.

116 123 is The Samaritans. I contacted them for the first time ever this week and having someone to unburden my woes onto really helped ease the pressure.
If you Google mental health services plus north London, there’s bound to be helplines available. There’s two in my little town.
And keep posting here, too.

..you can also self-refer to Talking Space.