I did something silly 20 years ago!

[Toffee86]

Hi there,

I will apologise in advance for the long story but Im looking for objective opinions on something I did years ago.

When I was 16, I wasnt that popular at school and i think i had only kissed 2 boys. Now, 20 years later, i see thats perfectly normal but at the time i think I was desperate to "catch up" woth my peers. I started talking to boys online. I met one guy, i think when i was 16 and 1/2 or 17. He lived in another part of the country but long story short, we started some kind of online relationship. We did meet, several times. He always came to me and stayed in a hotel. We always had sex. He was my "first proper boyfriend" and also my first sexual partner (which he was aware of). Now, I cant quite remember the exact numbers, but at the time he told me he was 20 something ( i think there was a 10 year gap) which i do remember thinking "yikes, thats quite a big gap. Dont know how my family will take this when i eventually tell them (I was deluded and thought this relationship would last)." But, i was "in love" so carried on regarless. Anyways, one day I discovered he was actually 20 years older than me!!! I was devestated by the betrayal. I felt stupid. I think, after that, i did meet him once or twice more but i called it quits soon after because i was actually meeting real people in real life, my own age, at university . He was really upset.

Like i say that was 20 years ago. He text me once, maybe 15 years ago and i didnt reply. Fast forward to 2021, and i see hes looked me up on linked in and its really unsettled me. I found myself googling him for an hour yesterday to see whats happening in his life. Why do i care!? I dont really think about him much/if at all but when i have, i sometimes feel anger towards him because i feel as the older person in our relationship, he should have known there was something really wrong with our set up. Lying to me about his age. Ultimately, i was 16/17 and, unbeknown to me he was 36/37 but we were meeting for sex! Im now almost 36 and i couldnt dream of doing the things he did with someone 20 years my junior. Im now happily married woth 2 kids.

Im not accusing this man of anything. I was of age and certainly knew what i was doing bit I would say I was incredibly naieve.

I dont know what Im asking. What do you think about what we did? Why and Im so unsettled by his appearance on my linked in!?

Thanks for reading! X

I think he sounds like a creep who should have known better to me. I'd block him and not have any contact.

I'm not surprised you feel unsettled as he basically groomed you and you were very young, underage in fact. I had a similar experience (although I was slightly older and it went on for years). He basically lied to me about everything, including his age and I felt like such an idiot. Was I really so bad at judging how old someone was? Obviously yes! I would be absolutely furious if someone did that to my daughter. Hope you are ok.

Underage? OP said she was 16.
Op it was predatory and the lying about his age was immoral. Still going on now all over dating apps, men lying about their age and trying to find a younger woman. Block him, stop replaying it and let it go.

We all did silly things in our youth. You were naive and he took advantage. Block him and let it go. There is no need for you to feel silly or anything else

Sorry not underage for a relationship but not an adult yet either!

None of this was on you OP, it was all on him!! What a creep!! Block him and move on, we all make mistakes when we were young, it’s part of growing up.

Oh OP, i think you have every right to feel unsettled by this. I'm going to project my own experiences here, so forgive me if i get this wrong...

At 16 you were old enough to know that what you were doing was a little "naughty" for want of a better word, but the you probably attributed the slight pit in your stomach to a) losing your virginity b) meeting up with an internet stranger and c) the supposedly big-ish age gap. All of which would be reasons to be unsettled, and it was risky behaviour, so for the most part when you thought about it you thought "gosh i was naive and a bit foolish, I'm lucky that didn't turn out worse"

Then he found you on LinkedIn, and you realised that actually this first sexual experience, which you'd alway thought was a bit odd and possibly a bit ill-advised but generally fine, was actually a man old enough to be your father preying on your inexperience and attaching to you emotionally in an incredibly unhealthy way. And 20 years later, he's still got you on his mind.

So basically this is a double whammy of upsetting realisations.

1. You were more than likely groomed by a much older man as a child, and if he isn't a predator he's likely deeply disturbed
2. He's still out there, in the real world, and he's trying to connect with you on a professional platform

If i were you, i would block him EVERYWHERE and take steps to secure your online presence.

And absolve yourself of any guilt. This man is a creep.

What a serious power imbalance. It’s only you who can decide how you feel about it. But it’s understandable if you feel mistreated or abused now as an adult. Many counties have age gap consent that means it would have been illegal.

I occasionally have flash backs of regret over what has happened in the past. Nothing bad, just stupid things I did or said, and I feel really ashamed/embarrassed.
I just try to move my mind onto something else and let it go.
And block him.

You could tell the police. Maybe he's still doing it to other young girls?

I'd block him on everything. I'd report him as well, as there could be a chance he is still doing it to other young girls

Why would you report it?! OP was of legal age, the man was technically not doing anything wrong, although it obviously doesnt sit right with many people. One of the things about embarrassing situations or ones we are ashamed of is acknowledging what happened and moving past it, rather than trying to point fingers and gain retribution. That reminds me of the Friends episode with Ross and the dope smoking... He may well still be doing it - I can't imagine a nearly 60 year old man being terribly appealing to 17 year olds, but if he is there is still nothing legally wrong with it.

In my first year at university I had a relationship with another woman however it took me 12 months to realize that she was just using me, for sex as much as anything else, so I ended it. She was a lecturer and much older than me so she knew what she was doing. She wrote to me for a good time afterwards but I had moved-on and never read any of them. Years later I found them in a box in the attic and out of curiosity I read them. They were all sexually explicit and got increasingly threatening. In retrospect I was definitely groomed but I was young , painfully naive and living away from home.

Interestingly, I had never been attracted to women before or since, it was just her.

We all make mistakes when we are young, it's part of growing up. Just block this guy and file it all under, "past tense".

Thanks everyone for all your comments. I think from what you are all saying, the sensible thing to do is block him and move on.

Thanks @Ohalrightthen for your really detailed reply. I can relate to alot of what you are saying. I think, years later, I've felt it was wrong but because I was older than 16, i had to take 50% of the blame.

I honestly think this man was lonely. I see he married about 10-15years ago although i think hes separated now. Hes got a very successful career and I'd be shocked if he was in touch with a young girl now (but maybe theres my naievity again!). I honestly feel he made a major mistake with me.....I dont think he intended to "groom" me. (I can hear what Im saying and know Id be shouting at my screen right now if I read this from someone else!). X
P.s. apologies for the poor grammar!

P.p.s I do agree, there's nothing to report legally. Its just a time in my life that I ultimately feel a bit stupid/ashamed about

He was a dirty middle aged man at the time, but I cannot think there is much you can do now, other than never respond.

If he pesters you in any way, report him to the moderators of the site.

You have nothing to feel ashamed of. He is a creep. He very likely groomed you. Name change fail.

A 16 and 17 year old might be of an age to consent but it isn't always that clear cut. They are still legally a child and to groom a child for sexual exploitation is a crime. I imagine action is not commonly taken, and particularly when the young person doesn't realise they have been exploited or groomed, so denies it. It is probably more when it is a teacher involved, which would usually lead to dismissal rather than police involvement.

In this case I wouldn't necessarily take it to the police, but he did clearly groom you as he portrayed someone that he wasn't to draw you in and have sex with him, ie a 26 year old not a 36 year old. You didn't consent to having sex with someone of that age.

He massively took advantage of you to get what he wanted.

You have nothing to be ashamed of as you did nothing wrong. Nasty little men (and women) like him prey on the naivety of youth to get what they want.

I bet he isn't feeling ashamed or guilty for exploiting you one bit. Block him on everything.

Maybe think about some therapy to talk through your feelings.

We all have times we look back on with regret and now question with the benefit of hindsight and maturity. Be kind to yourself.