No evidence, just a "feeling" DH is having an affair

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Hi all - a close friend has confided in me that she thinks her DH is having an affair. They are early forties, both parents have working from home for most of the last year, two young DC in nursery/pre-school.

I was shocked, but it turns out there is zero evidence of an affair - my friend hasn't found messages or anything incriminating, or noticed significant changes in behaviour. The things she describes are really minor, for example, if she walks into a room, he very quickly closes whatever app he's been using on his phone; he stays up late at night (hours after she's gone to bed) saying he's on the PlayStation; they haven't had sex for months etc.

She thinks he doesn't physically see another woman at the moment, but has done and will do outside lockdown, but for now there's something going on online. She can't access his phone as it's fingerprint-locked and they don't share devices. No history of infidelity on either side.

So really, it's just a gut feeling, but she's adamant that something is going on. She hasn't challenged him as she thinks it would be pointless - he'd deny anything and everything. It has really got me thinking and wondering how many women out there have had a really strong intuition their partner has been having an affair, with no evidence at the time, but it's turned out to be true . . . ?

Sometimes you just know and the biggest sign is the change in behaviour which you're friend will know him well to notice sudden changes.

She will be right.

Does she not know his email password?

So the intuition thing is based on small changes in his behaviour, triggering her spidey senses then?

No, she has no way of snooping, no knowledge of his passwords and he works in IT so we're both assuming he's fairly savvy on how to cover his tracks if anything is going on.

I think you can learn a lot about a person by their behaviour, non-verbal communication is significant.

I would imagine she is probably right, just needs to find the evidence

You’ll find many threads on here where this exact thing has happened. The wife just feels something is off, small changes in behaviour, being a bit more secretive etc.

Yeah H confessed a couple of months ago to having an emotional affair. I knew straight away who with, but had no proof (it was a colleague).

H had been a an arsehole to me for a couple of months before. Like I sat next to him, he said why are you sitting by me!
He was very snappy, naggy and got me a chip pan for my birthday!
He also decided he was into mountain climbing when had zero interest before (think ow was interested)
We didn't sleep together hardly during that period either.

There is a neuro scientific basis for what people call gut feelings and spidey senses. One of the oldest pathways in the brain, sometimes called the lizard brain really does pick up on cues, subconsciously. Even if it's something you can't consciously put your finger on, part of your brain is telling you something is 'off'. It's very good advice when people say "go with your gut".

The exact same thing happened with my relative... her husband kept quickly putting his phone away when she walked in to the room. He was constantly texting someone. When she tried to access his phone/IPad the passcode had changed. One day she’d had enough of him texting and asked him to open his phone and show her messages. He refused and kept gaslighting her. She just KNEW something was up but could never prove it.

After nearly a year of this, it all came out eventually because my relative was able to access his iPad and see messages when he was out one night (I think this was intentional because he wanted it to come out but couldn’t be bothered to break it to her properly).

This situation sounds so similar. So yes, definitely possible to have a gut feeling about an affair, despite no ‘hard’ evidence.

To be fair I close whatever I have on my phone when Mr. Noodle comes in, because I don't want him to see me wasting my time on here or playing Gin Rummy when I should be doing something else (like I am now)

They could all be circumstantial things or they could be indicators that he is having some form of affair. Step one would be her asking him really.

I knew with xh. Things just felt off. It's horrendous but almost a relief when you realise you weren't going mad..

I wish I'd been less disbelieving now. I didn't dismiss her concerns but I did wonder if the pressures of lockdown are making her a bit paranoid

I think there's a lot to be said for instinct.

She is likely right.

The changes in behaviour ARE evidence - these sort of things were my earliest clues re ex's affair.

So I already had an inkling when I came upon an Email chain between them which left no doubt in my mind.

Normally I'd have instantly kicked off and confronted him. A wise relative counselled me to play things more cautiously and gather evidence and I'm so glad I did. Meant when it did all come to a head his attempts at gaslighting didn't work.

Also meant timing wise that we were still supposedly together when she fell pregnant with their child which is fairly definitive proof! If I'd have triggered everything earlier then this would have happened a good 2 months later and he could easily have played it they weren't together until then.

Support her to keep an eye on things and find evidence if possible.

Even in life generally I've learned to "Trust my gut" because on the occasions I actively dismissed my misgivings I came seriously unstuck! Dodgy friends, landlords, bosses/employers...

Now I absolutely trust my gut and I've advised dd to do so also and she's already been proven right with dodgy friends and employers

My DH all of a sudden started tucking his shirt into his trousers. When confronted with this ‘evidence’ long after the affair had been unveiled, he said that even he hadn’t noticed it. But I did.

Absolutely. I forgave my ex the first time because he (AFAIK) didn't meet OW in real
life. I'd had a feeling something was wrong but not an affair because he wasn't "the type". Now I know better, ha. I knew as soon as he was doing it again even with no proof as the subtle cues were there, triggering that unease. He tried to deny it which they always do so I definitely recommend getting proof if possible.

Changes in behaviour are the closest to evidence she'll get until he decides he's leaving, the OW makes herself known or he slips up. If he's already so into this woman he isn't constantly listening for the footsteps of you friend to put his down in time things are probably in the throes of ego massaging escapist heaven.

You are lucky you don't know the feelings your friend confided in you.

That was meant to say footsteps of your friend and phone down in time!

I’m in exactly the same position, or was a year ago.
I’ve still not got any proof. But I’m certain he’s spying on me too.
One day...

ExH changed towards me over a few months. Silly stuff at first but I started to feel more and more pushed away and ignored. If I mentioned it he'd deny it. One day it dawned on me that I was definitely right, I just knew, and I got proof shortly after.

No sex for months, shuts phone /laptop when she enters the room, doesn’t go to bed at the same time, comes up hours later .... doesn’t exactly sound like a recipe for a healthy relationship!

She needs to leave her phone at home the next time they go out for a long walk and then remember that she forgot to call her mum about something urgent and she'd promised to ring before x o clock. She'll need to use DH's phone. His response when he hands it over - or refuses - will tell her lots. Best to wait until she knows he has it with him and he can't say he's forgotten it.

I didn't get a feeling my ex was having an affair but as soon as it came out he was, l knew who with!