time to walk away or make it work?

[Mamabear9110]

I had a 14 week old baby and a three year old with a man I love very much. Recently he’s started his own business he’s doing very well and I’m very proud I’m able to look after the children and not really be without much. For some reason I’d say every week we have a really stupid argument over something so stupid but it ends up in name calling and him saying “ok it’s over let’s leave it”. I’m normally crawling back and he normally says let’s make it work. But for some reason when it happened today something felt different, like when he said it was over maybe it really is because I just feel so broken and hurt. I feel scared to be on my own again with two children how would I cope. We’ve agreed to have two days just to think about what we really want, I want us to work. But in people’s opinions does it ever work when it gets like this or is it time to call it a day? I really admire single mums they do an amazing job I just fear I’m not strong enough to cope on my own. I must love him because I feel heartbroken. What do I do

Your baby is very young. I would personally avoid making really final decisions until everyone is getting a bit more sleep and downtime.

How about relationship counselling?

She’s not too bad at sleeping through currently. I feel with the lock down I’m in all day looking after them both and he’s stressed with work we get time in the evening and there’s like no connection there? Is it normal to feel so hurt there must be a reason why he’s ok for it to be over I kind of feel maybe I’m making him stay

You would cope - single mums aren’t some special breed, we’re just women who didn’t end up with the dad of their DC for whatever reason, and had to make it work. We probably all thought we couldn’t do it at some point, but we do.

What you describe is a really unhealthy way to live - without more info it’s difficult to say if there’s emotional abuse on either side, but generally threats to leave are considered at best manipulative, at worst emotional abuse. Ditto name calling. You don’t say who’s calling who names, but the escalating of every row into a relationship ending bust up must leave you in tatters, especially with such young children.

It sounds a bit like he has the power here, with you “crawling back to him” and him deigning to give you another chance.

At the moment you don’t need to do anything except take care of yourself and your DC. Next time he huffs about leaving you, maybe you should try calling his bluff and say “do you know what, I can’t keep doing this. Maybe you should leave. Let’s sit down and work out how it’s going to be split financially, childcare etc” and see what he does. If he thinks he no longer has the upper hand by making these threats it might make him think twice next time?

He probably has no intention of leaving you, he just knows you’re in a vulnerable position at the moment so he’s saying it to keep you in your place. Was he like this before children?

Before we had our second we argued like most couples every now and then but this is a new level. It’s like we say “oh hi” when he’s back from work he says I’m not loving enough and I kind of understand I may not be I’m knocked at the moment having the kids everyday on my own 6-7 maybe it’s me not coping very well. I know I love him but part of me thinks how long do you try for before just saying ok let’s leave it then. If we were to split I’d be broken but I’m hurting now and I’m not sure why? I feel sad because like most people I wanted to be a family. I feel like I’ve not made many achievements in my life apart from my children if we break up he will find someone much better than me and I’ll just be on my own and I might regret that. I’m lost on what to do when he says it’s over he says it like he really means it when he said let’s have 2 days to just clear our heads he doesn’t seem sad in the slightest. I’ve cried all evening here I am with my gorgeous baby in my arms feeling so sad and he’s in the spare room. How did we drift apart like this.

Men who make all the money in the marriage sometimes think they can treat the women however they want because they can't leave because they are financially dependent on them. I personally would try to make it work for the kids unless it's too toxic. Do you guys spend allot of time together alone?

He’s not upset because he has all the power - he doesn’t really believe it’s over, he’s just training you to fear him leaving so that you’ll behave yourself. Meanwhile when you should be in a newborn baby bubble, with his support, you’re crying and worrying about him.

I know it sounds easy to do, but I think for now you just need to detach from him. Put your energy and love into your babies and yourself. Don’t rise to any arguments he tries to start. If he says you’re not being affectionate enough just say “I’ve had a long day, I’m tired. I’m not doing this now” and walk away. You don’t need this shit.

No time just us due to pandemic, my family not around my mum is in Australia. All his side are around I feel I’d massively be impacted the most we we’d split. I literally have my kids and that’s it. Maybe as he’s grown with his business I’ve become not what he wants is that possible ? That’s how it feels. Like I’m just not good sniff anymore.

Hmm. It’s very manipulative for him to say ‘ok it’s all over’ - it’s training you to ‘come crawling back’ and to perceive yourself as having no power isn’t it?

I’m not suggesting this is very conscious on his part (although it might be) - it sounds like you two have got into a bad and childish pattern. Can you sort out some relationship counselling before it gets worse?

I wouldn’t make any dramatic decisions till you do. If you do decide to stay I would a) insist on getting married within the year to protect you better and b) don’t stay out of work for too long as it makes you vulnerable. It’s a little odd that you describe yourself as ‘proud’ you can look after the kids and not do paid work - there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s just a life situation, rather than something to be proud of.