Should I feel bad over this?

[username9768]

I have never met my next door neighbour she is in her nineties has dementia and never leaves her house/answers the door. She has carers who come twice a day from what we have seen. (All relevant). For at least a year now she regularly has her tv on extremely loud until very late 2/3am or sometimes all night. I assume she falls asleep with it on. It is that loud we can clearly hear what she is watching and word for word what they are saying.

We have two young children who already keep us up at night. I am a light sleeper and find it very hard to get to sleep with it. I often put white noise on my phone to try help blur it out. The other night though it was so loud even with the white noise next to my head I could hear it. That morning I waited for the carers to arrive and went round. They didn't answer so I ended up writing a note. I wasn't rude in the letter just explained the situation.

Anyway later on the carer and neighbours daughter came around. They weren't rude and apologised. They said the only solution they can think is when the second carer visits around 5pm is to switch the tv off and hide the remote control. I thought great that should solve it. However they then added how the tv is the neighbours only company and so she will be lonely. I now feel really bad. She is alone all day in her house and after 5pm can't even have tv for company.

I did suggest she watches tv downstairs. Only to find out that the tv is downstairs already so it must be that loud we can clearly hear it upstairs.

Am I right to feel bad? I just can't think of any other solution.

One of our neighbours is old, deaf and lonely and also turns the tv on at 10pm. We're in detached houses, and quite separate, so god only knows how it's not blowing his windows out, as it's so loud we can hear it clear as a bell in our house. It was annoying at first (at bedtime) but I have the camping in a tent mindset now of just expecting and accepting other people's noise. If I had young children who were bothered then I would say something. The Alexa plug is a very good suggestion.

We had the same situation with our elderly neighbour who has since died. She would watch TV in bed and it would be on most nights until about 3am. We never said anything as our second daughter was a brutal sleeper so we were aware that there were nights dd probably woke neighbour up. One of her sons dropped in to our house to apologise for the noise of the TV and that they had got dm headphones but she forgets to use them. We said not too worry about it. Neighbour moved into a nursing home a few months later. We think she had dementia. The carer at 5pm should just lower the TV but definately not turn TV and hide remote as that would be awful.

Firstly you definitely have a right to quiet at that time of night and you shouldn't have to hear noise from your neighbour - whatever the reason for it - so please don't feel guilty about this!

The carers can and should do more to help sort this out.

1. Has the lady had a hearing test recently? Perhaps she just needs her hearing aids tweaking so that she can still hear the TV at a slightly lower volume.

2. As others have said, can they set a timer on the TV using Alexa or whatever other technology is available - to get it to automatically switch off at 8/9pm or whenever she goes to sleep.

3. Would it work for her to have the TV on a lower volume just a night time? She might not be able to hear it as well but it could be a compromise.

I agree with others that removing/ hiding the control from her is not OK and is actually very disempowering and demeaning. This should definitely not happen. But surely the carers and you can work together to find a compromise here.

@Mackerelpizza

I thought great that should solve it.

I'm quite shocked that was your thought process. I think it's horrible.

Me too! Unbelievable.

Thanks everyone I think I will go back to the carer when I next see her and just suggest the timer on the tv thing. I would hate for the lady to be in distress.

Mackerelpizza
I thought great that should solve it.

I'm quite shocked that was your thought process. I think it's horrible.
Me too! Unbelievable. @FolkAreWeird

I have had not done anything about this situation for over a year. It has been at least 3/4 times a week. It is that loud it is basically like someone having the tv on full volume in your own room when you are trying to sleep. I have two young children. I was discussing it with them in a sleep deprived state. I heard a solution without fully thinking it through and thought great. When I realised what that meant I realised it was not nice. How about for a year you have your tv on blaring every night all night and see how well you sleep. Then come back saying I'm a horrible person for not putting up with it.

That was aimed at you to @Mackerelpizza

Also to point out when I did say great I thought we were talking about a tv she had upstairs in her bedroom. As you can see in my earlier post I suggested her watching tv downstairs at night. Only to find out the only tv is downstairs. It is that loud I am hearing it upstairs.

My neighbour is in a similar position but her last carers come at 9-9.30 pm. That is a much more realistic time for the tv to be turned down or off.

You don't have to explain yourself, OP, this situation would drive anyone mad. You obviously felt bad about it or you wouldn't have posted on here.

Can the tv be put on a timer? That way she can still watch it but it doesn’t disturb you and your children.

Noise cancelling headphones for yourself.
Invaluable to a light sleeper.

If you feel that badly about it, you’d pop another note through the door.
An old school timer or Alexa etc will allow it to be set. Poor woman not having any tv or company after 5pm.
I understand you were sleep deprived but being a neighbour is about being reasonable for both of you. She was unknowingly unreasonable, your satisfaction at the response was unreasonable. Find the middle ground.

A timer sounds like a better, less intrustive solution.

It's a tough situation for OP and the neighbour who is not being malicious or acting with fill capacity to manage herself.

Simple timer plug like this should provide an answer Timer Plug , cheap, easy to set, doesn't require wi-fi. Someone that age will be used to TV having a 'close-down' time so shouldn't be perplexed by it.

I have already said I am going to speak to the carer again. Trying to find the middle ground is exactly what I'm trying to do.

I have not gone round after one bad nights sleep making demands. It has been over a year that I have done nothing about it through fear of upsetting an old lady.

It’s absolutely not your fault that she’s losing her hearing got dementia etc. It’s also not someone’s fault when a neighbour has children who no doubt have cried through the night at one stage etc. That’s life.

I think it would be horrendous to hide her remote. I don’t think you’re a bad person at all, but you’ve asked the question ‘should I feel bad?’, had a mix of responses as is always the case (again, that’s life), and then become very upset with anyone who would feel bad under these circumstances. Think of a friend who would definitely agree with you, text her and get the reassurance/validation you need (we all need it sometimes). The internet is not your friend if you don’t want anyone to disagree with you.

I agree @TeacherNMum I have worded the question badly I do feel bad. I shouldn't have asked whether I should or shouldn't. I basically should have just asked for advice. Which I have got from most of the posters. What I don't think is appropriate it to tell someone they are horrible for not just putting up with the situation.

It's really easy to be judgy towards OP when you haven't lived with this level of noise. TV sounds are almost impossible to drown out.

We live next door to a HMO (like a flat share) which has a few families including three elderly women in their 80s at least. They had their tv on our shared wall and would listen to action movies on the top volume from 6am-11pm all day and the sound and bass would travel through the chimney breast and blast in every room of the house. My DH works from home and I was on mat leave so the sound was constant and enough to stop me and the baby from sleeping and made work calls etc hard.

Could you ask her to move the TV to another wall? That's all it took in our case.

Or would a universal remote work through the wall so that you could turn it down after bedtime?

I agree that people shouldn’t just reply to tell you how awful you are. I’d take the advice that other posters have given and make a promise to yourself that, when covid is over, you’ll make an effort to be a good neighbour to her now you know her circumstances (have a cup of tea with her, ask if she needs anything when you go to the shop etc).

Buy a cheap timer switch to put on the plug

She probs can't get up the stairs anymore so is sleeping downstairs. Would you be prepared to have her keys and pop in about 9.30 to say goodnight, get her a drink, see if she is ok and switch off the tv.

OP, no one has said that you should put up with it, nor have they said you were a horrible person. @Mackerelpizza said that the suggestion was horrible, which I agree with.

I sympathise with you. I'm in a similar situation with my neighbours and I have a young baby, it's really difficult but not for a second would I entertain the suggestion that I leave a lonely, elderly lady to sit in silence all night.

I understand your frustration and agree that something has to give, but not that.

I really hope you manage to find a mutually suitable solution.

I’m sure they could get a timer for the plug like people do for lamps to automatically turn on and tumble dryers.

I was going to say this. I'd even donate one!

OP and the neighbour are clearly not that close to date, not sure why posters are volunteering her to provide an extra visit per day. It won't be a quick 5 minute in and out if the old dear has dementia. That's quite a commitment on top of family and for someone you don't really know.