How to help DD through a bad breakup

[Frequentflier]

DD is 20 ( 2nd year at uni) and her boyfriend has told her he wants to break up. She's taken it very badly. They are both at the same uni so she can't really distance from him. For context, DD had to take a gap year and joined uni late because she had a chronic illness. She beat it, but as a result became perhaps too overly reliant on BF. She was only at uni for about 6 months before covid hit, so she hasn't really settled in there or made many good friends either. She did very well the first year at uni, but now with online learning and worrying about her BF, her grades have dipped.

For the time being, am letting her cry and sleep all day. I found her a therapist but she attended one session and refused to attend any more. I am not sure I can force her. How else can I help her to move forward?

Lay off the therapist.

Friends?

Get her involved in booking a holiday for the two of you post pandemic. To her taste - whether that’s a spa, camping, adrenaline, or beach.

Redecorate her room? Something for her to focus on.

Get her in fresh air every day without fail. Encourage exercise. Really.

I thought a therapist would help because she is saying things like "I dont want to go back to uni" ( she is currently at home) and "My life is over and I will never care about anything again." Altogether an overreaction, but perhaps normal for young love? Or not? Covid isolation is just making everything worse. She is talking to a school friend online right now.

I absolutely believe in the power of exercise, but she does not! I feel like she needs to help herself, tbh.

Totally totally normal.

Sympathise but focus more on positives.

As I say - make plans, exercise, projects.

Listen

To her!

Based on our experience, I would recommend some counselling. Our daughter met some one at uni and was with him for five years. She seemed to survive the break up which involved her moving to a new city and studying for an MA but in retrospect the whole experience influenced her approach to life and men.

Your poor dd. My dd found out her bf of 4 years was cheating on her when she was 21. She was totally broken. We gave her all the support we could and her friends drew around her wonderfully and gave her strength, but ultimately she had to pull herself together get on with her life. The experience made her stronger. She had a long period of being single afterwards and enjoyed being with her friends and went on of holidays with them etc.

That first heartbreak is so hurtful, you feel like you’ll never feel ok again

Treat her like she’s ill, plenty of baths / eating nice food / early nights / cry it out

Then when she feels a little better, she needs to be on tinder or something. Ideally she’d go out and get shitfaced and meet unsuitable men which obviously can’t do right now, swiping through legions of hot men might do it though

I was 20 when my boyfriend of three years broke up with me. I was absolutely heartbroken and wandered around like a zombie for weeks. After a few months I joined dating sites and had fun meeting people, then got together with now-DH when I was 22.

At the time it feels like the end of the world - she just needs to ride it out. There’s not much you can do but I agree with pp about having something to look forward to, like a holiday when they’re allowed again.

Thanks all for the helpful suggestions. I agree ultimately she has to ride it out. BF here has not cheated and is a good guy; just can't juggle studies and a job and the pandemic.

It is just so hard to not be able to solve your children's problems. I miss when she was little and I could fix everything!