Surprisingly upset...

[Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep]

Prepping for eldest's upcoming birthday and found myself getting emotional about, well, mostly about doing the prep by myself. This will be the second birthday since their dad fucked off. I wasn't upset when youngest had their birthday and I've done the 'firsts' now. I am much happier in my new remainder than I was in my marriage, I felt lonely a lot when I was married, so why is this upsetting me? I feel hurt only when dealing with child- related things, I really don't think it's the man or the marriage I miss, just the sense of a coparenting team, maybe?

I don't know. Anyway. Lying in bed trying not to cry and needed some company.

*new relationship.

I do wish mumsnet would allow editing within 10 minutes

Awww bless you. It’s funny when it hits you sometimes isn’t it. How old are they going to be?

Nine. Where did that time go? Eldest very sweetly said he wants to get me a present because it's the anniversary of me becoming a mummy. I think it might be that thought that's getting to me. It was a huge thing for me and the other person who was worth me through it isn't here any more, it's just me. It feels like a huge weight and responsibility to try and hold all my children's memories and special times on my own

Also who's going to organise that for him? I don't want his generous little soul to be sad because he wasn't able to do a nice thing for me that he thought of. I made sure they were both able to get ex Christmas presents, nothing from "them' for me, via him. Luckily my mum, bless her, stepped in. Littlest, especially, was so excited to give mummy a present. Damn him. I hate that he has the power to upset me with his thoughtlessness even now.

what a sweet thought from your DS- maybe nudge him to make you something?
You're not alone, you've got your DC and your mum, sounds like they're worth ten times more than the ex.

Bless you. My youngest is.9 Next month - what are you planning? (Mine hopes he will still be off school for his birthday!)

I love the idea of him making you a card.

It's my ds's birthday and he's seen his dad once when he was a baby so I know where you're coming from. I get quite emotional at birthdays. It's exhausting doing birthdays by yourself too and lockdown hasn't helped this year. Everything is down to you and there's no one to share things with. I find myself sharing milestones with teachers and friends and wondering if the feckless sperm donor even knows it's his son's birthday. I feel sad for ds that he hasn't got a dad, guilty that I knew he was a useless dad but went ahead anyway although I don't regret it for a second. It's all very conflicting and emotional but ds amazes me every day in many ways and he truly is the best thing ever so I have no regrets. He's this amazing little whirlwind of love, affection, intelligence, energy, curiosity, mischief, humour, laughter, silliness and crankiness that fills me with joy and I've done it all for him since I was pregnant. I have a huge role in how awesome he is and I know you have the same with your dc. Their dads are missing out on life's greatest joy and I'll never understand that kind of man. You should be proud of yourself for being a great mum who is doing it all. It's bloody hard and a few tears in a birthday are completely justified

Ah he sounds like a sweetheart. What a lovely thought.

It’s hard when it’s all on you, I know.

Mine are a bit older now, so are able to sort out something for me on my bday.

Could your new partner help out with those things at all? Or I’m sure your mum is happy to help.

Otherwise it’s nice for them to know that they don’t need to buy something to treat you - they can make you something, or make you a cup of tea when they’re a bit older.

Thank you all. Think I just needed some understanding ears. I miss my friends so much and I don't want to be that misery on the end of a zoom call yaknow?

New DP is awesome and would totally organise that sort of thing... but he's not at that point yet. We're both being really careful to not go too fast with the kids and he only met them a few months ago.

Thanks again. Going to try and get some sleep now

Good night! Hope your DC has a great birthday.