Tearful 13 year old, lack of confidence, says she hates herself (cry)

[StormyLovesOdd]

My daughter is 13, over the last 12 months she has been getting more and more down and depressed about the current situation, not seeing her friends and how she looks.

DD chats to her friends every day on WhatsApp but obviously she can't see them in person so I know it's not the same. We've had lots of chats about the vaccine and how this current situation isn't forever and things will improve in time. I've tried to boost her confidence, told her she is beautiful (she really is) and that looks aren't important anyway but she's just feeling worse and worse and I don't know what to do.

I've always said no to make up but most of her friends wear a bit, maybe I should let her as I always feel better once I've put a bit of blusher on so maybe I'm being too hard on her.

Does anyone have any other tips on how to improve her confidence? I'm making her come for a walk to the park with me this afternoon to get her out of the house as I think that's part of the problem, she just wants to stay on her room all the time.

Why not say you'll buy her some make up and does she want to choose some bits? Make up Revolution probably ideal for her age and she'd get quite a bit for the money. Maybe the surprise of you saying ' right, you've got £25 to spend on make up, go and choose some bits' would give her an immediate - albeit superficial - lift.

Don't underestimate the power that something like this can have on mood

I'd also suggest keeping up with friends in imaginative ways - if you can think of anything!

I've got three teenage girls. It's hard. Exercise is good but yes you do need to help her find a way to explore and develop growing up in the ways that are important to her. Try not to judge. Do all the listening and encouraging without passing comment. Try to let her share and show you; give her a budget for a superdrug online shop. Acceptance is everything at that age. Show her that you accept and enjoy her 100%.

Thanks Flamingo, good idea, do they sell that make-up in Boots, we have a local one so could go for a walk and call in.

I hate the idea of her wearing make up but I know I need to let go snot, I think I was experimenting with make up at her age. I wish she could see herself the way I see her.

Thank you, I find that I'm just repeating myself all the time, it's so hard and I suppose because she can't see her friends in person it makes it all harder. I try my best but I know reassurance from your Mum just isn't the same

A couple of self-help books could be useful too? I don't personally have any recommendations but I'm sure a quick Google would help. I have a couple of friends who rely on self-help books for boosting their confidence and esteem.

I also think you should let her wear a bit of makeup too just so she feels a bit more confident in herself. She could watch some YouTube makeup tutorials to see how they do it and copy it and it could become a bit of a hobby for her?

I think this age group are suffering almost worst with this lockdown.. My youngest DD is 12.
She loves her make up and as much as in normal times I would have discouraged it I have found she she has properly immersed herself in it. Not to look older, just to change her look, to experiment (often somewhat ziggy stardust!)
She spends many hours watching you tube videos and recreating. Its been good for her. A new interest almost.

I'll have a look at the books on Amazon, thanks. DD is and always has been very critical of everything really. I've tried to teach her to look for the good in everything rather than focusing on the negatives but I think it's just part of her personality.

Is she asking to wear make up? Does she want to, or feels she needs to if that makes sense?
I only ask because I remember my grandma doing something very similar for me when I was around 13/14. Her heart was 100% in the right place and was a lovely thought but at the time I felt she was doing it because she felt I needed make up and to cover up. It really knocked my self esteem a lot which was the exact opposite effect of what she intended.
I knew I had a few spots but so did everyone else in the class at that age - it felt like my grandma felt sorry for me and was trying to make me fit in and the only way to do that was by changing up my appearance.
I hope you don't think I am trying to project, just to give the other side and make sure its what she wants - for fun rather than feeling a 'need'.

She's little - yes, I think so too. I want to do the right thing and protect everyone from the virus but the isolation is really effecting DD's mental Heath and it's getting worse the longer it goes on. At this age they really need their friends don't they 🥲

An art journal can be very therapeutic. YouTube again for people to watch on how to do it. Also some good female role models there for this form of artistic expression.

ThisEnds - DD has been asking if she can wear make up for years and I've always said no, you don't need it and your not old enough. I've just told her we'll go to Boots and she can choose some but she's only allowed to wear light natural make up out of the house. She can experiment as much as she likes at home. If nothing else it's cheered her up for now. The last thing I want to do is make her feel worse about herself.

Escape - DD does keep a notebook which she doodles in, she's very artistic, is an art journal the same thing?

What is she watching in her room? Does she have unsupervised access to the internet? I would be worried there is online bullying going on or she is watching things she shouldnt be and that's why she feels so down about her appearance.

Good call on the make up. 13 is quite old to be stopping her from experimenting. My mum stopped me from shaving until I was 13 and I had long dark leg hair and underarm hair, and swimming for PE. Got called names from that right up until I left the school at 16. She was sure she was doing it for my own good.

Wander - I'm sure she's only watching appropriate tv, I check her phone every night as she has to leave it in the kitchen and she has to leave her bedroom door slightly open during the day so I can check on her. DD doesn't have Instagram, Facebook or anything, just WhatsApp with her friends. I have asked her if there's any other problems with school or her friends, she's told me it's all fine and I believe her so I don't think it's that.

The criticism of everything often comes a lack of self confidence/self esteem. A feeling of not quite being happy or comfortable in the place we find ourselves. Projection. It's what teenagers do.
Make up Revolution is a Superdrug brand. They sell Elf too. All fine and age appropriate. Give her an allowance. Boots is pricier and older brands. £10.00 a month or so. Ask what she'd like to spend it on. And don't judge or comment other than to say what a good choice, that's nice blah blah. Nobody is going to see her anyway, are they?

I started wearing basic makeup at 12 - mainly borrowing off my mum.
Then mum bought me a set from Boots No7 I think which was lipsticks & eyeshadows. I also wore mascara & powder & spot concealer.

Plus I used face wash & moisturiser.

It's normal for a teenager to want to experiment with makeup.

Say to your daughter that you think she's beautiful as she is but if she wants to experiment you will give her some money & help her buy some.

Just a warning though, some of the cheaper brands can irritate, my mum had eye problems when she tried a Maybelline shadow stick with their mascara recently.

It's also unfortunately normal to hate how you look as a teen, I went through a phase of this despite wearing makeup, now I look at old photos and think I was mad.

Just got back from a lovely walk to our local park followed by a trip to Boots as there's no Superdrug near me. I'm £30 lighter but it's worth it as we had a really good chat and DD seems much happier, she's upstairs now trying out her new stash of make-up.

DD already has an allowance of £20 each month so I've told her after this if she wants to buy more she needs to use her own money.

I'm going to stick with my mantra that "you.don't need it, your beautiful as you are but you can experiment with different looks if you want to". Dad has now started asking if she can have highlights. I told her I'd think about it.

I was probably about the same age as DD when I started playing around with make up but as her mum it's really hard letting her do the same. Thanks for everyone's advice, it's really helped.

😂 DD wants highlights not Dad 😂

Why are you trying to baby her when you admit that you wore make-up at the same age?
£20 seems very low for an allowance at her age. There's not much you can buy for a fiver a week.
And let her have the highlights! Lockdown is the ideal time for teenage experiments when there's no-one to laugh at the results!

Would highlights suit Dad! 🤣🤣🤣

Katy - I realise that now, that's why I'm letting her experiment with some make-up, in my defence DD only turned 13 in November.

£20 per month is all we can afford unfortunately. That's just pocket money and she usually buys books or pop figures with it. When she needs new clothes I usually go with her to Primark or Asda, I give her a budget and she closes what she likes. When lockdown has finished this will probably change as she'll no doubt want to go with her friends instead.

Life 😂 if/when Dad want to wear make up and have highlights that's when I really need to worry 😂. I am aware that this comment will probably get me into more trouble knowing Mumsnet 😱

make-up for DD and highlights for Dad. boom, sorted!

Sarah - 😂😂😂