Seeing a guy who is going through a divorce

[Mango85]

Hello, I have been seeing a guy for a few months now and I feel that things are going slower than I would like and it's driving me a bit crazy! When we are together it feels good and we get on well but we tend to only see each other once a week and I was hoping to start seeing him more and talk to him about it this weekend than he said he's nervous about covid and doesn't want to meet up for a couple of weeks (although he did offer a socially distanced walk).

We both have daughters who are in nursery and he feels he wants to do his bit as the situation is bad and us mixing could potentially infect a lot of people if either of us got it. I do agree in some ways but question if it might just be an excuse because he needs space. He separated about a year ago and is going through a divorce still, his ex left him and he wanted to work through it even though they argued a lot. My ex partner left me in the summer so it's also quite soon for me too but I am really into him and I want to spend more time to figure out if it can work in the long term.

I don't know whether to talk to him about it and risk hearing what I don't want to hear or persevere a bit longer and hope things improve. Has anyone else got experience of seeing someone who is still getting divorced who gave mixed signals at first then things improved or do the mixed signals mean it's a bit doomed!

Only fools rush in and he appears not to be a fool.

You seem to have fixated solely on him and it must be off putting that you are so keen and possibly demanding.

He has been hurt and is clearly not ready for the level of commitment or wanting a deep relationship.

He probably wanted a bit of light relief and you are using a heavy hand and he’s feeling the pressure and pulling away.

Try to relax and accept that this virus nonsense is causing complications for some in how they can see others etc and your laid back approach during this time will cause him less stress so that when things get back to normal he will be looking forward to spending more time with you and there will be more water under the bridge from the time he was with his ex.

I actually disagree with the above. It sounds too much like “chill, be a cool girl and he’ll want you even more”.

Why Should a woman have to put her feelings and wants aside in order to keep him interested?

OP he may well not be ready for anything like a full relationship where you see each other a few times a week and spend increasing number of weekends together because of his marriage / divorce and that’s fine.

And / or he is genuinely worried about Covid. Just see more of you he would have to bubble with you and that would mean he couldn’t bubble with day just parents and just a few months into dating you he may not be ready for that ‘level of commitment’.

That’s all fine, however your choices are to accept his terms or tell him you want more and that if he’s not ready or doesn’t really feel like this relationship has longevity for him then he should let you know and you can part ways now.

However it is hard to walk away from someone you like but if you accept less and that ultimately makes you unhappy it’s not worth staying

I'm sorry but he's being sensible and is telling you he is emotionally involved in a divorce and caring for his child and doesn't want the full-on relationship that you do. You could accept the relationship on his terms but it might be a long wait! I'd back right off and see whether he's interested in keeping it going but don't hold your breath for a long-term commitment.

Yeah I’d back off tbh. Neither of you are right/wrong, he’s just clearly less ready than you which could well be a recipe for heartache

Purely due to your individual stages in recovery from your ex relationships... this new relationship WONT be a lasting one.

Neither of you know who you actually are, neither of you have stopped for breath, both have kids and should be dedicated to making sure they’re secure with their soon to be single parents on each side.

There’s no space for you in his life and no space for him in yours.

Not yet.

By all means be friends to offer companionship in the divorces but then you end up as a counsellor... death knell to a relationship

Call it off so your mind is free, do the things and the work you have to do and then - on the other side of it all, after dust has settled, see what’s what perhaps.

You (and he) have a lot of steps to go through in terms of being ready for a new relationship.

Thank you everyone for your comments and sorry for taking a while to respond. I'll see where it lands. We are going for a socially distanced walk on Friday so that will be nice. I do enjoy having him in my life at the moment even if it doesn't work out in the long term but hopefully it will. It's pretty rough navigating the pandemic as a newly single parent and he gives me something to look forward to. I haven't been demanding about seeing him more or put any pressure on him. I guess I was just feeling a bit insecure but he does make an effort when I see him and seems like a decent guy. It probably does make sense to go slow for both of us. He's definitely very worried about covid and I don't think he is using it as an excuse after speaking with him just now.