How to raise humans who aren't pushovers

[Sheleg]

At least three threads lately have hinges on an OP getting into a sticky situation because she couldn't say no.

My question is, how to raise a child (mostly a daughter, because that's what I have) who isn't afraid to exert boundaries and say a firm NO when necessary.

I come at this as something of a people pleaser myself, which is down to my mother drilling "politeness" into me from birth. Of course I want to raise a child to be civil and socially aware, but how to instill boundaries alongside civility?

Don't intimidate and punish a child for standing up for themselves, to you or anyone else has got to be the biggest one I reckon. Value assertiveness and boundaries in their behaviour and speech and teach them to express feelings in a healthy way. Respect for yourself and others as a core expectation.

I have the same issue sometimes so hoping for some good ideas! I think one thing that might help is practising saying no using role plays and 'what of' situations. It's much easier to have a prepared response for situations rather than thinking on the back foot.

@Radishesandcake

Don't intimidate and punish a child for standing up for themselves, to you or anyone else has got to be the biggest one I reckon. Value assertiveness and boundaries in their behaviour and speech and teach them to express feelings in a healthy way. Respect for yourself and others as a core expectation.

What is the difference between standing up for themselves and being rude? I get very angry with DD for 'answering back' as I was taught never to cross authority. However I know that somewhere I got it wrong.

I don’t have children but, due to circumstances, pretty much raised three younger siblings, so I’m not claiming to be Mary Poppins, but have a little bit of experience from age 9 up.

I tried to show them that there are always going to be things that they’re going to have to do that they don’t want to do (school, eating properly, bed times, being indoors at a certain time, pulling their weight at home etc) but taught them to question stuff. Why is this person doing this? Who benefits? What are the consequences of me agreeing to something? Does this feel right? Is it safe? Should this be challenged?

They’re now fully functioning adults with zero hesitation in saying no to things they don’t want to do, so I think I did ok.

I actually think that with a lot of this stuff (child rearing) it's all about modelling - so really it's about one's own ability to assert boundaries. They are little sponges and 'do as I say not as I do' just doesn't work (well, it didn't for my parents!).

I know there are lots of things I need to work on to be the kind of woman I would like my daughter to be one day. I think that's probably my starting point.

I think it's about being able to respectfully put across their point of view or disagree with you. They will still need to follow the rules, be polite and get along but being able to articulate your position on something that affects you is a vital life and career skill and if every time they try at home they get told off for being rude instead of being listened to they will give up on thinking anyone will listen or not feel able to handle calm conflict of opinion in adulthood. If you set a boundary and the child disagrees and has a sensible reason I would hear them out if possible and encourage them to clearly say why they don't agree or what they would like to negotiate differently. It won't always be practical and you certainly don't have to go with what the child is saying most of the time but being able to discuss things calmly is a leadership skill and a sign of confidence in why you are setting the rule to start with and that trust and belief in your parenting will stand your relationship in good stead for when they are an adult and teach them that they deserve to be heard and how to approach a discussion. If they are used to being treated with respect at home and not being intimidated for talking or punished unreasonably they are less likely to accept abusive dysfunctional behaviour from anyone as a child or as an adult. Obviously children need to learn to accept what they are being told and get on with things when they need to as sometimes you just have to but teach unquestioning compliance at all times and not answering back under any circumstances and you end up risking raising people pleasers who don't earn respect in adult life.

Celebrate giddiness and don’t gossip- if children hear you hoiking
your bosom about other people (there’s an image!) they’ll internalise ‘being scrutinised’ and act accordingly.

Lead by example. My dd is definitely not a pushover at 15. She had dealt with some tricky friendship issues very effectively.

I have several friends who are real people pleasers and get walked over by friends and partners.

I keep reminding them the classic Mumsnet No is a complete sentence.

I've always said to my girls that politeness cost nothing but that they do not have to be polite to people who overstep boundaries.
We've talked through examples of times it's okay to be 'rude'.

So for small children that would be if a stranger approaches them etc.
People who try to touch them, bully them and the like.

As they grew we've talked about things that have come up on tv and in film etc.

My eldest learnt a harsh lesson in primary school with a bully and it helped her to see people a bit clearer and not get used.

Raising kids is about teaching by example, using the environment to start discussions and constant drip feeding of information in a positive way.

My youngest daughter is 12 and in y8. I've actively tried to raise her to be assertive and be able to question things and make statements if she feels uncountable. I hope I have led by example. I took her the Gp with me and had to have an injection that had been prescribed by a consultant. I noticed on the box that it was a different toe as I had requested monthly and had the first dose but this was 4 monthly. I told the Gp and he basically tried to bully me saying that it only comes in one dose and I've wasted £250 of the NHS money being selfish and thinking I know best. Despite my instinct being to defer to the man in the white coat and apologise, I politely but firmly told him that he was grossly irresponsible to try and force a patient, any patient, into a treatment that they were asking for clarification on. He went to check and I was right. He apologised and I accepted. She learned a valuable lesson .

If I feel something Is unfair, I say so even if it's not me that is being disadvantaged. We donate to charity and discuss how some people are poorer and some people are richer but that does not ever define a persons worth.

She was in the car with me when we saw two young men dragging a girl on the path and we pulled over while ask the other cars passed. Turned out she was from a local kids home and was being restrained after running away but I showed her that it's ok to question things if they don't sit right.

Most of all I tell her to trust her instincts. She doesn't have to hug a family member if she doesn't want to. Allowing a person to hug you against your will is not polite. Saying no is not rude. I let her say no and I actively say no in front of her.

Her class teacher said that she is the most inquisitive girl she's ever taught. She will think nothing of putting her hands up in class to point out a mistake or ask for clarification. She has a point of view and isn't scared to share it. Her form teacher says it's wonderfully refreshing and regularly emails me with anecdotes of what's happened. She also pulls up her fellow students racism and homophobia . She sees injustice everywhere and it poses her off. She's very brave I am INCREDIBLY proud of her.

I think you have to model that behaviour in how you deal with them - so if the answer to somehting they want is no, then you communciate that firmly, assertively and yet benevolently and with understanding of their frustration.

What everybody else has said, it is ok to be ‘rude’ if someone is making you uncomfortable, it is ok to question things etc. I try to behave the way I would want my children to behave so stand up for people who can’t stand up for themselves, say no when I don’t want to do something and don’t give an explanation if one isn’t needed. I’ve found my eldest has got a lot of confidence from going to a decent martial arts class ( my eldest is a girl) and she has gained a lot of inner confidence from that (and a black belt) if that helps. I was incredibly shy when little and a real people pleaser but then got into sport and it gave me a strength and confidence that has carried on.

I tried to instil in my DD that there are quite a lot of situations in life where you really should put yourself first. That there are ways of doing this subtly and "quietly", for want of a better term. I was brought up to be compliant and to always put others first and it did not help me as an adult, not one little bit.

agree with Radish, I told dd off for being brusk with mil once and a therapist said I shouldn't have done that - Dd has very healthy boundaries.

of course the Biggie is asking people to respect them when little eg dont let granny chase them around for a kiss and tell of the small child for not acquiescing.

@HecouldLickEm

of course the Biggie is asking people to respect them when little eg dont let granny chase them around for a kiss and tell of the small child for not acquiescing.

Yes, this, memories of my pervy step-grandad abound here. Dad was too scared of upsetting his volatile mother, even though he detested his stepfather and I was excused from visiting them once I hit my later teens. When my grandmother died, Dad commented "at least I'll never have to speak to HIM ever again."

I hope that DD will be able to stand up against tinpot tyrants like my grandmother, put her point across and then laugh at them. She has had a few nasty experiences at work with older staff who think she needs to be "put in her place", but she has handled them better than I would have done.