Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Are all aged 11 or 12 yr old girls pretty foul to each other .

21 replies

thebearschairs · 04/01/2021 23:01

Wondering. My daughter is almost 12 and on receiving end of some foul behaviour from her so called mates.

There was an issue that was way out of line, I only found out about it via the mother begging me not to go to the school with it.
My child wouldn't have told me.

I did address it informally with the school as I expected reprisals from the minx of a girl involved.

Oh so clever she has been, slow burned the reprisals. She's turned the group against my daughter. All minor things that could be ok individually but together I think it's bullying.

Exclusion from things,
telling group to "ignore Xxxx because why would we care about her"
kicking her off what's app groups when on friend kindly added her,
ganging up on her to ensure they all say no to her request to do an online game over the holidays.
Never invited back to their houses (pre Covid) despite me inviting them over for bbqs /taking to activities/ theme parks etc.

She's know these girls 7+ years.

My kid doesn't tell tales because she's afraid of retaliation. So I suspect what he has told me is the tip of the iceberg.

These kids are pathetic and making my daughter so sad. And I think the parents are as bad in some ways. Not ever including her in stuff. I just wouldn't leave one girl out ever etc.

I'm sad and so angry. In someways it's worse now they won't be at school as she just reads online what she's not invited to join. Etc.

Is this bullying?
I'm not involved and don't want to be but now is NOT the time to be being mean to other kids.

Why why why ?

This is really outing but I don't care. Identify me if you like parents !

OP posts:
CatandBaby · 04/01/2021 23:05

No advice as mine is much younger but your daughter (and you) really have my sympathy. I remember from my own experience that girls that age can be shits. No idea if it's universal though.

cleowasmycat · 04/01/2021 23:35

I have a 12 dd and her friend circle changes all the time. They all fall out then declare best friends a week later. It's exhausting.

ClaireP20 · 04/01/2021 23:39

This is why my kids don't have phones...in London no less! No wattsapp groups..but no online bullying either.

Watch The Social Dilemma on netflix..

Ps. They are nasty cows OP, I hope you get it sorted and your daughter is ok x

cheeseismydownfall · 04/01/2021 23:42

My niece (who is absolutely amazing and just a lovely girl) had an absolutely horrific year (I think in Y8) where she was completely ostracised from her entire friendship group for no reason whatsoever. She handled herself with such dignity and never stooped to their level, and gradually the tide turned against bitchy ringleaders. She now has a solid group of friends and they seem to have grown out of it, but honestly it was an awful year for her at the time.

flawsandceilings · 04/01/2021 23:49

Year 8 is famously awful for girls friendships. They're all growing up at different rates, social media kicks in before their brains are mature enough to cope. Also some are just horrid and start to show their true colours.

In year 8 DD lost all her friendship group. Hugely traumatic. By year 10 she's happy with new friends. It was pretty unpleasant at the time but it did pass. Hugs for your DD.

HmmSureJan · 04/01/2021 23:50

WhatsApp has an age rating of 16. Most people aren't aware of that as it seems so innocuous. When dd started secondary school they asked at the pre interview if she had a phone or was on social media. She didn't have one but was getting one to start school with and was on no social media. They pretty much begged that she not be allowed WhatsApp as the bullying they'd had to deal with because of that app was off the scale. Whole friendship groups had been excluded from school in previous years because of on line bullying via WhatsApp. Can you just get her off it altogether?

CynthiaRothrock · 04/01/2021 23:59

They are not all like that, my daughter is 12 and her group can be a bit snipy to each other but fall outs are quite rare luckily. I think she just found the right group for herself, but she chose to go to a school that none of her primary friends were going to, in her words "I've done 7 years at primary with these lot, I want to meet new people, that wont happen if we all go to the same secondary". But she also hates drama, and her primary cohort could have Won oscars at times! so any bitching or fighting happens and she walks away and refuses to take sides.

it sounds like the hormonal shift and battle for queen bee. You can only do so much but if you feel it is affecting your daughter then you need to approach the school formally. Encourage her to engage with different groups (i know its difficult in lockdown) and go through some resilience and mindfulness with her. No one deserves to be treated like that, teach your daugher to not allow it. Ask her why she wants to ve friends with people that are horrible to her.
Good luck Op.

EmilyInParis · 05/01/2021 00:02

I have a son a similar age, and the boys are no better.

Sorry OP. Some teenagers suck.

Original poster
thebearschairs · 05/01/2021 00:04

Thanks s for your comments they are all really true. Thanks for hour kindness too.

I resisted WhatsApp for a really long time and then I realised I was causing her more social issues by not letting her have it so now she has it but it's restricted on time at night but still the bitchiness goes on...

She's so worried about there not being other friend options. She's quite an introvert so it's hard for her to make friends anyway.

Is this level of stuff of interest in school ? Would you report it in my scruffy slippers shoes?

OP posts:
Rory786 · 05/01/2021 00:12

I work with year 9's (as a TA) and we have this problem when putting the pupils in groups. The girls will inform me that they are not speaking to so and so- a week later they will be best friends....
I think you should let the form tutor know...

Neolara · 05/01/2021 00:15

My dd is 11 and her friends are marvelous. No drama. No bitching. Just fun, nice kids. They do exist. I'm sorry your dd is having such a horrible time. Maybe encourage her to try to stretch her wings a bit? During the last lockdown, dd expanded her friendship group as she started playing games online with a new group of kids in her class. It may be possible.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 05/01/2021 00:27

I'd pull her out of that school, just get her away from it altogether. Life is too short to go through shit like that day after day. She must be so miserable, poor little love.

thaegumathteth · 05/01/2021 00:59

Do you know any of the mums well enough to have a word?fwiw my dd is 10 and hopefully her friendship group has settled but there's one girl who is her BFF most of the time but gets insanely jealous and manipulative of dd. I'm hoping it'll be a bit of a learning curve for dd in a way because a lot of the behaviour is sort of emotional blackmail and gaslighting and she's learning to not put up with it. I've spoken to the mum and it's improved until recently. It's so tough. Have you read the book 'queen bees and wannabes?'

StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 05/01/2021 04:36

Sounds similar to my school experience at that age. I'm not just thinking about what happened to me, but what I saw happening to other girls.

Sorry, I know that's not much help. I would love to be told that my experience was bad and that other schools are better but I've not seen any evidence of that so far. My daughters are still too young for school but I am worried about all of this bitchy stuff when they start.

MrsDThomas · 05/01/2021 10:40

Oh yes. Its that stage where they find their feet at secondary school and like to show what they think they’re made of.

And unless its nipped then it will get worse.
I have an 18&16 yr old DDs (well 17/19 in the next few weeks) and ive been through it and ive had to contact several mums in the past. My kids are no angels but ive not had anyone contact me to say they’ve done or said this that or the other.

JollyJosiah · 05/01/2021 11:06

Yes, have been going through the same for the last few months. It would be much more bearable for her if they staright out said that they didn't want to hang out with her anymore. But they don't - they gaslight, start rumours and turn it all on her when she does stick up for herself. Hopefully she is coming out the otherwise - starting to make other friends - but now lockdown!
Like the other poster said - my daughter is not perfect but she is kind. We are working on giving her assertiveness techniques and learning that friendships change. Hiefully a lesson that will see her through life.

blueangel19 · 05/01/2021 11:31

Sorry your daughter is going through this! It is sad but girls can be super mean and at even younger ages than that. And btw school mothers as bad.

Keep an eye on things and on your daughter. She needs a lot of support. Also, try to see why they are being mean. It is jealousy or something else? In lockdown is hard but try for her to make friends outside school too. It is less pressure. Summer camps and extra curricular activities may be good for this. She can belong to something she loves outside school. I wish you both the best.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 05/01/2021 12:14

As a former teacher and Head of Year, most of the issues I had to deal with, were from Year 8 girls. They are finding their feet in many ways and social media ramps it up. The number of times I’ve been called upon to sort out a friendship problem between a group, often only finding out about it because there’s an irate parent at school, demanding to know what I’m going to do.

I think you have to do the best you can to support your daughter and remember that it will pass. Sometimes it isn’t even possible to know what started it. I went through the same with my own too and you’d think I’d know how to handle it, after dealing with children and teenagers. Nope. No better than anyone else.

Original poster
thebearschairs · 05/01/2021 23:11

Thank you for all your replies. Given me things to think about.

And whoever said the parents are as bad you are right. One particular one, related to the issue would be quite unpleasant if I approached her. The child is angel in her eyes.

Meanwhile I monitors my kids messages and when I've found anything said out of turned I've required her to make a suitable apology.

Might send my XH into deal with her. He'd eat her for breakfast- not ideal but I'd enjoy it for 10 mins. GrinShameful I know.

OP posts:
HeidiOfTheAlps · 05/01/2021 23:14

No, all 11 and 12 year olds aren't foul to each other in my experience

HeidiOfTheAlps · 05/01/2021 23:16

Should say "all 11 and 12 year old girls aren't foul to each other" Mine are older now and I and they knew plenty who weren't. They probably don't get noticed as much though

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.