How to work out what is important in life

[Newyeartimeforchange]

This may be a bit waffly, please bear with me! Have 2 (primary age) kids who are the most important thing, a DH I love and a close sibling network. We recently lost both parents at a relatively young age and has made me contemplate my life (guess fairly common reaction).

Main questions I have spinning round are:

1. I am 38. My job pays well and is secure but isn’t a passion. Is it a wasted life not to love your job?
2. should I give up my job to downsize and spend more time with kids? Likelihood is job will change to perm wfh for context
3. what am I missing out on. I guess there is a part of me that feels unfulfilled - aware this sounds selfish given current circumstances for many and also that this may be due to grief.

I guess am feeling lost and money in a room of people.

Any thoughts?

Hopeful bump?

I went part time when I could at a much lower level
It was a game changer, loved being part of a team rather than out on the field on my own

With regards the job - I actually don't believe everyone has a 'calling' or passion as such. The people who do are very lucky. If your job is fine and pays pretty well then don't discard that.

Can you cut your hours slightly to spend more time with the kids? I'd say that's a worthwhile thing to do, but don't lose your ability to save and be independent.

What has helped me make significant life decisions was something called scenario planning - essentially writing a 'story' where you flesh out the outcomes of different decisions. Physically writing/typing it rely helps, rather than just thinking about it.

For example in you case you could look 10 or 20 years into the future and imagine what your life would look like of you deprioritised your career at this point in time vs. retraining in a different field. It's Important to think about a wide range of life aspects, including financial aspects and ability to travel etc in later life, and to fill them with meaningful details.

My own 'stories' were in the form of newspaper interviews 30 years in the future where I was asked to look back on my life. Very cringeworthy and I made sure to delete them afterwards, but they gave me the impetus to shift my career goals somewhat - I just couldn't see myself continuing on the same path for the rest of my working life.

I think it's a powerful technique that helps consider 'head' and 'heart' at the same time.

Good luck OP, whatever you decide!

Only a lucky few end up in their so-called 'dream job' and are fulfilled by it. For the rest of us, to be blunt, we may enjoy aspects of our career but it is a way of earning money - which we all need to do, don't we?!

You are still grieving, so be kind to yourself.

If you feel that you can still have a reasonable income by changing your working patterns (and the door would be open for you to return full-time) then perhaps you could consider asking your employer whether you could either reduce your hours, or maybe even take a sabbatical.

Giving up work completely now might mean you end up totally rudderless and losing your sense of self, which wouldn't do you any good in the long run.

I am very career orientated and my work is my life, but i dont think it is a wasted life not to love your job, indeed i wish i could just do something for the cash, switch off and go purely enjoy my nonwork life. I envy people who can do that.

I don’t love my job. It’s okay but I have children with Sen and needed a job which works around them and they’re aren’t many if any. I don’t know loads of people who adore their jobs. My dh doesn’t. For some of us we work to earn money and fulfil our interests elsewhere.

Rudderless is an almost perfect way of how I feel at the moment - thank you for all the very useful comments. Lots to consider

I have recently gone through a a late term miscarriage and lost our son.

It has definitely made me look at my life and were I have been putting my energy and time. I have been in the what is the point of my life way of thinking as well.

For me I spent way to much emotional energy and stress focusing on my work and another professional role I had taken on.

Its like a huge brake has been put on my life and I'm looking around regretting how much time I have invested in things that really

1. Don't matter as much as my family
2. That don't matter as much as my well being.
3. Have brought me significant stress for very little.

I have realised there is so many things that I enjoy that I just didnt do because I didnt prioritise them. Also that I really haven't looked after my health and wellbeing at all.

I'm trying not to make any huge decisions at the minute but I have already decided one area of my life that I am cutting out by the end of the month. I just need to be able to sit down and figure out how to do it.

I have to work because we need my income but for me my job will never have the same meaning and I will never ever let myself get back into the cycle I was in before running myself into the ground and neglecting myself and my family for it.

I am not going to look at it as a wasted life but what it is, a way for me to earn money to live the life I want with my family. I am good at what I do and have invested years being able to do it. If I didnt work at all I would probably feel quite lost I think.

I will look at my hours and I will never go back to working early, late and through lunches. When I switch of my laptop that will be it and my focus will be on myself and my family.

If you can maybe you should try to see if you can change your hours slightly its a small change that could make a difference.

I think it is grief to be honest making me question what's the point of it all. I think that's normal after a bereavement for most people?

But I am determined to spend my time doing things that make me and my family happier even if they are only small things every day.

I said to my dh that the day I left the hospital I feel like I left the old me there and I will never be the same again.

I dont think though I need to find a new massive purpose because I wouldn't have clue what that would be and if I decided to try to look it would make me more stressed.

I tend to set goals for each year. But they are more about making me feel happy/fulfilled rather than say career orientated. Usually I would have a travel goal in there but tbh I have written off 2021 on that score!
So this year I want to get good at crochet, after having dabbled at a beginner level on and off. I have a spare room that’s been a junk room for too long and I’m clearing that, redecorating and making it a second living room, with a cocktail bar I also want to find some nice spots for walks, I live in London and I know there’s some nice places around that I haven’t visited. Then each year I know I have improved my life in some way, whether through leisure time or making my home environment nicer etc.

I spent a few years just focusing on making money but in hindsight it really stressed me out and I’d then blow what I made on things to “cheer myself up”, like an expensive handbag or a new phone or whatever. Now my life is much simpler. I work less hours but I don’t waste money anymore so it evens out. I feel I have a really good work/life balance now. If you can, I think reducing your hours rather than give up work completely is a good option.

I think changing your life doesn’t have to be something big and radical. Small changes can make a big difference.

I think there’s a balance. It’s great to prioritise family and quality time over making money, but you need a plan for the future.

I gave up my ‘big career’ in order to do a low paying job that I love. It made me an awful lot happier, BUT we didn’t need my salary because Dh is a high earner, and he was happy to support me in this. He used to love his job but is tired of it now, and its intensity, so his plan is to earn as much as possible over the next five years, stuff as much as possible into our pensions and then retire early with enough invested to live well. The trade off is that the dc will be young adults by then!

I have a friend, same age as me, who decided to live a simpler life in order to allow her to do a job she loved. She lived pretty much hand to mouth but loved her life and was very happy, for a number of years. Until, that is, changes in her industry meant that work suddenly became harder to find, and even more badly paid. To make matters worse, this coincided with her developing health problems which meant she was unable to work for months, and will be physically limited for the rest of her life in what she can do. Her meagre savings are long gone, she can no longer work in her chosen industry, and she is forced to sofa surf. She can’t find a job or afford rent and her future looks bleak.

I think her situation is a salutary lesson in having a back up plan, substantial savings and an adequate pension in place before cutting hours or giving up a well paid job. It’s all very well to prioritise ‘the important things in life’ like spending time with your kids and doing a job you actively enjoy, but at the end of the day a roof over your head and food on the table is as important as it gets.

I’m also 38 and I went through exactly this feeling during 2020 - you’re not alone! You’ve had some really good advice on here from previous posters sharing what has worked for them, which may or may not help - after all, what’s important to you might be further down the list for somebody else.

If you’d like some help, I’m a coach. I offer a free one hour of coaching to anyone who wants one. If you fancy an hour where we work through some of this and find some clarity for you, let me know. It’s totally up to you but thought I’d suggest it in case you might find it helpful - no worries if not.