Relationship with a shift worker

[Puzzles10]

People who are in a relationship with a shift worker- what does your relationship look like?

My partner does 12 hour shifts (potentially longer - emergency services), lots of weekend work and varying days/nights. I do a standard 9-5 office job. We dont have kids. Sometimes I feel we dont spent that much quality time together. Often when he's come off a stint of shifts, he'll want 'chill out time' on the computer, which he can take up the majority of the day. He catches up with friends this way so I dont feel it's fair to want him to stop him doing this (although maybe limiting the amount of time..). He's often very tired so doesnt have the energy for a boardgame or anything. When he's getting ready for nights, or just come off nights he'll stay up late so I dont get to go to bed with him (and of course I spend evenings/nights alone when hes working nights). His meal times often dont match up with mine due to the shift work so we often dont eat together.

I also think he doesnt quite get the difference between being together, and quality time. E.g I don't see watching TV (well, staring at our phones with the TV on...) as proper quality time really (but it's better than being in different rooms..). But again, hes often tired so I know this is the only sort of thing he wants to do.

It's probably covid making things worse too, as before we we'd book occasional long weekends away or days out but obviously we cant do that now. Maybe I need to initiate going out for walks more?

I'm incredibly proud of the work he does, but often find myself feeling frustrated and lonely and I wonder how much nicer life might be if we both lived to the same rhythm...

This is honestly in my opinion why you will find that a lot of people in the emergency services are in relationships with other people also in the services. Its so hard for others to understand the toll of the shifts.

However, you both have to be flexible and willing to find quality time for each other.
Literally block book time out. Sit down with a calender if need be. Not after a night, not before a night, but in the odd rest days in between. Book annual leave, look at shift swapping if necessary to find at least a few days each month, and commit to spending this time together, sans phones computers and all the other stuff.

Personally I find it helps if I 'force' myself out of night mode asap.

As a fellow shift worker who is now awake in the middle of the night after my first rest day because my body clock is COMPLETELY messed up I get where you are coming from. The toll these hours are taking on me is immense not to mention the things I deal with on shift, so when I get home I feel like I don't have a lot to give.
I'm mindful that this is not nice for my DH and child but it is what it is and I have to rest before I can really do anything.
If coming off nights I'm useless until rest day 2 or 3 realistically. does he get 4 in a row?
I agree that it is hard for people who don't work in emergency services to understand how it affects you, but it is good that you do want to try and not just sack the relationship off because many do.

My DH works shifts although not overnight so this may not be relevant.

Earlies he's up at 4 and home at 2.

Lates he leaves at 1 and home at 10.

It's been this way since early. We have 2 kids. He's a hands on dad and needs less sleep than me so actually it meant he did mornings or afternoons with the kids. He got to spend a lot more time with them than if he was out the home 730-630 office job.

I do standard office.

So benefits and minors. Weekends he works. Our life has no tempo (6 week shift rota). I couldn't go out for eg an evening class when they were small.

Dunno. Swings and roundabouts. For kids though, they have seen him a lot more than otherwise. And he's a devoted father so enjoyed that.

It's not a deal breaker surely?

My late DH worked shifts. There were often whole weeks that passed when we saw each other only when he dropped me at the train station after a night shift, by the time I got home from work he would be back at work himself. Or he'd be on days and leaving home before I got up, and we would have an hour or two in the evening before he went to bed. We made it work but had been married a long time by then, I don't know how we would have managed if we were just starting out. DH had one weekend in 6 off as a long weekend, and would always want to do something with me like go away for a couple of days or so picnics and day trips.

I'd really recommend looking up "The love languages" as it sounds like quality time is really important to you? It opens up a great conversation about how to feel loved / connected.

Shift worker here, unable to sleep as does my firefighting sister and police officer brother. Nothing he can do about it, accept him or leave.

This really isn't about him working shifts though, is it? It's about his lack of investment into your relationship. It's good that he stays in contact with friends via the computer, but most of the day? Why can't he fit you in as well? Shift work is grueling, but there can be compromise and a happy medium surely. I think you need to have a big talk about how you can improve things between you.

My DH has is an Emergency Services shift worker. We have 2 children and a busy life with hobbies and (in normal times) a hectic social calendar. I work too. My role is very flexible but demanding.
The shifts work well for us. DH is happy to make time for me and our family. I would say that we have more quality time now, than when he worked 9-5. It takes compromise and understanding.
It sounds like you guys need to have a chat. You can find a way to make this work.

Those who do shift work, thats exactly what he says too, that i cant fully understand it. We have been together two years, live together and are engaged so we are committed and its definatly not a deal breaker

I agree its probably not solely about the shift work - if I mention spending time together sometimes he'll say we did that yesterday, and the day before, like it's unreasonable that I want to spend time with him every day (is that unreasonable? ).

But also I admit I dont really have friends so he is my only social contact and i know i probably lean on him too much for that.

Sometimes I think when we have kids and I'm at home then things might be easier as I'll see him on all his days off, but then that is probably not true because when have people ever said kids make things easier

I’m a Shift worker. Sometimes it means me having dinner when I should be having breakfast or going to bed when not tired (and getting up again when he’s asleep) but we make it work. We can go for periods of time not seeing each other but try to make sure that we get quality over quantity. It can work if you both put in the effort.

The key factor here is you are seeing him as your only social contact. As a non shift worker you need to find other social sources to fill in the gap when he's not around. This will stop you expecting him to give you 100% his free time when you are free. He needs other interests as do you.
Shift worker / non shift worker dynamic works well for independent individuals.
If you 'wanna be together' all the time a non shift worker might suit more, as they have more available free time when you do.

I think you need to get your own friends and life outside of the relationship as well OP because you will end up very lonely if you only have your DP and nobody else.

Who did you used to lean on before you guys met?

I'd just finished uni when we met, and I'd moved to a new place away from family and friends. Uni friends have faded and I've not managed to find any local friends. I'm very close to my mum but she's the only other person I have.

I'm not great at making friends anyway, plus with covid it just makes things seem a bit impossible at the moment!

The shift work is a bit of a red herring. Build up your frendship group (easier said than done, I know!) And then see how the relationship is going.

I agree with others that it's not the shift work that's the issue. The two issues I see are 1) the type of work seems emotionally draining 2) lack of willingness of your partner to invest and be present for the relationship. You can't do much about 1 other than encourage him to find an outlet that actually works but 2 needed to be discussed as a couple.

I am married to someone who does shift work. Three shifts, changing each week. While I find it hard to remember what shift he is on there aren't the problems that you talk about. His is a very physically demanding job but he understands that if we want a life together he won't get that by zoning out whenever he is at home. Any meal time that we are at home together for, we both cook and eat it together. We do have to plan ahead a bit more and sure some days he will come back and say he is just too tired to do anything but that isn't the default.

DH works a week 6-2, a week 2-10 then a week 10-6.
I'm NHS so work random 3x12.5 hours a week, days or nights.
Yes we do struggle. But we just appreciate the times we are together.

I've mentioned it before to him but I'll bring it up again, that I think we need to make more effort when we're off together. I'd love for him to notice when we have a day off together and suggest going out and doing something.

He's NHS so its random shifts. Sometimes a few days off in a row, sometimes only 1.5 days off. I know it's incredibly busy and tiring at the moment so I feel bad when I keep nagging to do things together but equally I dont want to become just housemates

Im a shift worker, 3 - 4 12 hour shifts a week no pattern days and night. My DP works 8-5, 4 set days a week and I have a set day off also. I self roster and DS goes to nursery 2 days a week, flexi place so this changes based on my shifts.

We get the odd day off together when DS is in nursery and I'm on a day off and we usually (pre covid) go out for breakfast then spend the day just lounging around. I will see my friends and him his (again pre covid) We have family days out, which tbh DP would rather avoid as hes a bit of a hermit 😂.

I dont feel like we dont see each other especially now seeing as he had been furloughed since April and I used annual leave to reduce my working days 1- 2 weeks a month.

Can you not sit down and plan around his shifts for quality time in advance? Or you take some leave and vice versa to do things?

Partner to a shift worker here.

I think you need to lower your expectations of him and realise that for as long as he does his job, your relationship will never be 'normal' or conventional. It will be different and that's ok.

This jumped out at me. "if I mention spending time together sometimes he'll say we did that yesterday, and the day before, like it's unreasonable that I want to spend time with him every day (is that unreasonable?"

You got to spend time together for 2 consecutive days (happy to be corrected but it looks like that's what u posted). I'd be over the moon with that yet you seem to want more and want it to be every day. I think if you let go of this and be more flexible things will be easier. It doesn't make you "just housemates", just making a relationship work with a shift worker partner.

When my fiancé came home from work yesterday I gave him a head and shoulder massage which helps him relax and even though it's only 5 mins, it provides a bit of physical contact and relaxation. I'm not saying you need to do stuff like this constantly but if you start to count little things like this as 'time together' it might help. I class a cup of tea on the sofa with tv on as time together & it just means that we appreciate each other more on the rare occasion we do get to do a bit more together.

When Covid restrictions ease up I'd highly recommend making some friends as previous posters have mentioned.

If his job is seriously making you feel left out and unhappy a lot of the time then maybe he isn't the man for you as a child / children make things much harder. Good luck in working things out, it's not easy I know

What helped us was me changing to permanent nights as a way to get set shifts (otherwise pretty impossible). My sleep patterns are worse but at least DH knows what I am doing/ when I am available. I devote a lot of time to friends too, I think the NHS is usually a very social job. As soon as it’s possible I would try and get some hobbies going, maybe one exercise oriented and one evening class style one that appeals?

Me and DH both emergency services. You do have to put quite a lot of effort into making time for one another.
I think maybe a wee bit of compromise might be needed here:
Spending quality time together every day mightn’t be possible- so how about arranging at least a once a week slot for you both to do something together? Cook a nice meal, play a board game, watch a film etc. Something where you can properly connect and catch up.

I know you said you wanted something every day, but I think quality over quantity is really quite relevant here.
Communication is key- have a chat and explain how you’re feeling about it (though keep it light and maybe not after a night shift....) and see what you can come up with together?

Partner to shift worker here and recently had a baby. Not going to lie it is hard work. Hes out the house from 4am till 7pm is 3 to 4 days a week then knackered then might have to stay up late for nights etc.

I echo what others have said though and you have to make your own social life (once covid settles) join a club, I joined kickboxing for a while so twice a week I went to my club regardless of whether he was home or not. Ill see my friends on the weekend (again regardless whether he is working) as you don't want your friends to feel you only see them because your partner is around. Onvipusly I try to make plans around my partner shifts but if my friend is only free on one of my partner weekends off. I'll see my friend one day then partner the other day for quality time. The key thing is making quality time and also respecting downtime. People who work 9 to 5 get downtime most evenings, shift workers literally come home, eat go to bed and repeat 4 times so tend to balance by having more longer downtime periods on their days off e.g. playing computer for hours or mindless watching TV without doing much.

It is hard though OP not going to lie but takes both of you to work at it. Him to agree to better quality time once a week or so where possible and you to relax a bit, make your own life and accept that sometimes both sitting in the lounge on your phones is okay.

My partner works shifts and has done since we got together, nearly 20 years now. It helps that his shift pattern is fixed, so we know exactly when he is working and when his rest days are, means that we can predictably book things like theatre, weekends away etc way in advance, there is always something in the diary coming up for us to do together.

Also helps that he has a long weekend off every 3 weeks. I plan things with friends on his weekends working and we have time together when he is off.

I also genuinely enjoy time on my own, I will happily go out for coffees and lunch by myself and also enjoy just chilling out at home.

We don’t have kids which I know makes a big difference.

In all honesty, now, after 20 years, I would struggle if we worked the same hours and had no time alone. I think we would annoy each other a lot.

The other thing is I try to work more during the weeks he is busy at work (pre child) and build up my toil hours and then when he has a week off ill take time off for us to go away/have days out because once hes had a day or two to rest at the beginning of his week off, we then get lovely quality time together for the rest of the week. Depending if your work is flexible like that though. I used to often work in the evenings when he was on nights and I was home alone to get ahead on my work.

I work 6-2, dh works 2-10. When I go to bed at 9 on a Sunday I then wont see him till fri.
We dont plan things for the weekend and make sure that time counts.