Confused and Upset - Texts on DD11 Phone

[Help77]

Name changed for this.

DD is in Y7 and has had a mobile phone since the summer. She’s has a pretty good first term at secondary school and has made new friends and seems to be fairly happy (all things considered with transition, covid disruption etc).

She’s become very friendly with one girl (P) - texting all day long, FaceTime etc.

Part of the deal with DD getting a mobile is that we can check her phone on demand. Not sure how long we will do this for (probably a year or so) until we’ve established she’s using it appropriately.

I haven’t asked to check it for a couple of weeks, but have looked at it occasionally. without her knowing. Some of the exchanges with P have been involved them saying “I love you” and stuff about Katy Perry/I kissed a girl etc. I didn’t think much about it as lots of other songs were mentioned and DD says “love you” to lots of her friends in texts.

This evening I’ve seen messages about how they can’t wait to kiss in the toilets at school and that DD is bi. Also mention of other stuff which I couldn’t quite figure out from abbreviations but seemed to involve positions. Felt absolutely sick and shocked - not about sexuality/curiosity which I think is normal to be pondering at this age - but the intensity and wording of the texts.

DH is just as shocked and says we need to talk to her. To give context - DD is 11, puberty has hit in the last 6mths, she’s always been coy about “fancying” anyone. She’s bright, fiercely independent and quite private. DD hates me bringing up periods, sex etc and usually just grabs any books I have for her and disappears - again typical of pre teens I’d imagine.

I don’t know what on earth to do/say. How do we handle this? She’s known P since September and they could fall out in a few weeks and P could show these messages to anyone.

I know I need to tread carefully but don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any advice? Thank you

Why don't you ask if you can look at her phone, if that was the agreement with her getting one.

Thanks for replying - yes definitely, we will do that tomorrow. Assuming the messages are still there and I'm pretty sure they will be, I'm wondering what so to/say then.

I would talk to her about a) sexting, how private conversations can be made public easily. More importantly b) how young she is and how she should take stuff slow, school is an inappropriate place for snogging etc. Finally c) covid! Don't snog people right now!!!!
I would also discuss the bi aspect and emphasise (maybe before you say the above points) that you love her gay/straight/bi/whatever.

Thanks @KindergartenKop. I'm going to try that approach and see how it goes. Dreading it and no idea how she'll respond. She's 11 - shocked I'm having to have this type of chat with her. Maybe I'm too naive.

Secondary school is where it all begins OP. Kindergarten makes good points.

Be prepared that she may have deleted the messages if you ask to look at her phone, what will you do then?

Oh dear. This is where you need to have a conversation about how anything she puts out there, including texts, she should be comfortable with sharing with her granny, or her teacher, or you. If she isn’t, then she shouldn’t be sharing it.

I think you are quite naive!
I also don’t really see the problem except for helping her understand how to protect herself and not send texts that could be used against her later. But really, if shared, is it the end of the world? It would be a storm in a teacup?

Maybe I’m not cautious enough.

Do any of us really never text anything that we wouldn’t say publicly?
Maybe a conversation about sending explicit photos and the law?

Yes, she should ideally know you can see phone any time and should be aware when you do so (without prewarning), but I know how awkward this is to navigate (she can of course have a private diary and private face to face conversations, but it underlines that messages are never private which is an important lesson. Try and make sure you treat it as you would if the other person was a boy, or as you would if it was your son. Which is, with respect, kindness, and concern. Let her know that if this is a girlfriend thing, then there need to be some boundaries and you and her will need to speak about how she looks after her feelings, her body and issues of consent and readiness. And definitely about sexting and the risk of revenge use of messages after a break up.

Oh, and however much she seems angry, remember it will probably be a relief to have some parental intervention.

@ArosAdraDrosDolig

Do any of us really never text anything that we wouldn’t say publicly? Maybe a conversation about sending explicit photos and the law?

Probably not, but the difference is that being and adult and (presumably) texting other adults we have the benefit of maturity!

Don't really understand why you're reading her texts, is this a thing? Why is she not allowed any privacy? Assuming you didn't have a phone/Internet at her age, you still would have had some kind of written communication with friends. Did your parents read your letters, for example?

Definitely a thing to check phones. I check my 11yo’s phone and my 13 yo’s on occasion.

The difference between reading letters and other communication is that children are vulnerable online. You need to check who they’re talking to and that the conversation is appropriate. Communication on a phone has the potential to end up all over the internet. Online bullying is a major concerns and parents need to check who their child is talking to for safeguarding reasons.

Don't really understand why you're reading her texts, is this a thing?

It needs to be a thing yes. Smart phones are not the equivalent to letters which lets face it not many of us were sending pre mobile phone days. They allow access to absolutely everything on the internet ( if not careful) and allow other people to access your child in a way which you can’t control. All sorts of bullying happens that way too. I wouldn’t say the level of supervision would need to be the same for an 11 year old as a 15 year old but I would reserve the right to check even then if necessary. ( eg concerns about indecent images sent / received). It’s a tough one OP - particularly as it’s miles away from where I was as an 11 year old. It really makes me scared for what our children are navigating at a young age.

I think something to be really mindful of is avoiding her feeling ashamed about any of it. I imagine that will make her clam up and be defensive. So I think what a PP said - emphasise just being careful about what you send as private can become public very quickly. She should think twice about what she sends by considering, how would I feel if this was shown to others at school? And yeah, that you don't mind who she likes you just want her to be safe, you'd say the same if messages were to a boy or a girl. I think linked to no shame is no shock, don't act like you're mortified, just gentle concern that you want to check she is considering everything.

I wish high school still started in yr 8.

Thank you for all your replies. It went surprisingly well ultimately and I'm so relieved we were able to have a relatively mature conversation in the end.
It started with DD predictably getting really angry, upset and defensive - "it's a joke to teach you a lesson", "I hate you", "go away and die".
I took your excellent advice and explained the sexuality stuff wasn't an issue in the slightest but the concern was the inappropriate messages, potential embarrassment etc.
She needed time to calm down (and get over the embarrassment I suspect). She accepted she's losing her mobile for the time being and she sent a text to P saying that they shouldn't have been sending those messages, we knew about then and they both deleted the messages. P was worried we'd tell her parents.
DH was brilliant - I did the initial bit (and got the death wishes ) and he had a calmer chat with her about trust and maturity etc
She seemed much calmer and reflective by the evening. Let's see though.

Great sign that she needed your intervention, good work parents 🙂