Dealing with a negative parent

[Saylethewayles]

My DM (under 60) was recently diagnosed with a chronic condition which is not very easy to treat but significantly impacts her quality of life. The treatment she is on also makes her very vulnerable to covid so she has been shielding. I, my DH and our young DS (not in school or childcare) are in her bubble. I have two other siblings but they all have children in school so it is not really safe for them to see her.

Mum is someone who hates relying on others and wants to be active, up and about doing things. The illness means she is basically on bed rest and she can't cope with it. This is making her very bleak and negative and whilst I completely understand why it is getting really difficult for me to cope with. She says things like "what's the point in living like this", "I cant cope with this illness", "I don't feel it will ever get better" etc. She won't take antidepressants having been on them before and having hated it - she just wants the illness to get better. It almost certainly will eventually improve but it may take a long time and trial and error with treatment.

On her better days she is fine and almost her old self but every flare up seems to set her back to square one and its almost like she can't acknowledge that she does occasionally have good days. Its almost like she's talked herself into thinking she will never recover and this is her life now.

I am at the point where I am really struggling myself. Has anyone else had a similar experience and how did you cope with it?

I want to emphasise that I have a good relationship with my mum as do the rest of our siblings. She's been there for me through absolutely everything. I'm finding this change in our relationship very difficult and just want her to get better.

I think in this situation your own self care is really important. Prioritise time for yourself where possible (appreciate not easy with a young dc but whatever you can do). Self care is also about boundaries.

There are many kinds of antidepressants so she may find that a different one agrees with her better. Or talking therapy, which would be via zoom probably at the moment. Encourage her to seek support from/ talk to your siblings and her friends too so it's not just on you.

My dh has depression which is well managed most of the time but it flares up at times and so I can appreciate how hard it can be for both parties.

I just feel like if I tell her to seek therapy she'll say it won't help, she'll say the only thing that will help is for the illness to get better

The evidence is that it will but will be a long process

I've had a very similar experience recently. I have a very close relationship with my parent and unusually for me I began taking quite a tough stance. I literally said that there was only a certain amount of stress from her that I can absorb and if she isn't willing to meet me half way then I would need to reduce my time with her because it was reducing my own health too. It was a spur of the moment thing for me, and actually worked quite well (mostly because it was very clearly out of character for me so had quite a shock value which helped!).