Conversation about kids has left me confused

[notsosmoothie]

New Year's name change –have been here a good few years though.

I'm 33, DP's 41. He has a 14 year old DS, I have no kids.

I've never wanted kids. DSS is lovely and we get on fine, but I'd also be perfectly happy if he wasn't around.

I'm an only child, raised in a home with a mother who, although she loved me, also really struggled with being a mother. I've never been around kids as an adult, and have never really understood why people want them so much. If I pass a baby in a buggy and a dog, I'll take no notice of the baby but be dying to say hello to the dog. Caring for a child looks relentless and grinding and largely unrewarding and the thought of having a child and then regretting it is utterly terrifying.

On paper, I have 1000 reasons not to become a mother, I feel no biological drive to do so (although I'm aware that may change) and I can't think of any rational reason to do it, especially with what's going on in the world at the moment. I've always said having kids is entirely irrational, so unless my biology kicks in at some point and overrides my brain, it's very unlikely to happen. Lots of my friends are having babies at the moment and I'm thrilled by how happy they are – I don't judge people for wanting or having kids at all –but it doesn't look appealing to me.

But last night DP and I were watching a movie about a couple preparing for their first child, and he said he wanted to check in with me on how I felt about kids. (We've talked about it before and I told him I felt no desire for it, and he said he totally understood and he'd also leave the door open – if I ever changed my mind I shouldn't feel like I'd already expressed how I felt and couldn't go back on it.)

I told him I still felt no desire for it, and asked him how he felt – and he said he was happy with just his son, AND he had noticed some thoughts bubbling up in his head recently about how if he WAS ever going to have more kids, he'd need to think about it soon, because he's reaching the upper end of the age he'd want to become a father again (if we had a kid this year, he'd be 60 by the time that child was 18). He doesn't actively want another child, but his subconscious is nudging him about it a bit. He also said he didn't really see it being something that 'fit' me and the track my life is on right now, either.

And it made me think about my age, and my 'window', and I suddenly feel terrified that I'm missing something crucial –that I don't want kids only because I've never been around them, not because I don't want them... or that I could be really happy with a child, I just don't realise it, or that I'm digging my heels in and being stubborn somehow, on a subject that I should be more open to... When DP said he didn't see it for me, he wasn't being mean – he just meant it in a 'Yes, you say you don't want kids and I get that you wouldn't' way, but something in it still stung a bit, too.

I feel inexplicably really tearful and afraid this morning and I can't stop doubting myself. It's so unlike me, I'm not sure how to make sense of it at all. It almost feels like grief.

Does any of this make sense or sound familiar? What do I do with this?

I think part of getting older is realising that the choices you make limit what you have the potential to do in the future. Deciding to have or not have kids is very final, it isn't something that can be undone and the decision will have a lasting effect. That's enough to make anyone wobbly.

As a woman who doesn't want dc, you are also fighting against all of societies messages that you should want dc.

Having dc is hard work and detrimental to many things in your life. If you arent absolutely sure that's what you want then it isn't a good idea imo.

I would completely discount anyone else’s impressions as to whether they ‘see’ you as a mother — yes, even including your DP’s. Like you, I had zero interest in having a child, and planned to remain child free, but unlike you, was in a happy long term relationship with someone who didn’t already have a child and was equally uninterested in having any.

No one saw me as a potential mother, including me — I’m cold, impatient, career-focused, grew up as the eldest in a large, poor family, so spent my younger years babysitting, changing nappies and coaxing toddlers to eat, so had done that stuff and wasn’t wild about doing it again, I move countries a lot on a whim, and I like a lot of time to myself.

When I chose to have a child in my late 30s, everyone was completely taken aback. Some friends worried for me, some for the welfare of my potential baby when I told them I was pregnant. I was used to the usual intrusive questions about why I wasn’t having children from virtual strangers, but the response from people who knew me when I got pregnant was actually far odder. If I were less confident, it would probably have been upsetting.

But you know, a lot of people have ridiculously stereotypical views about what being a mother looks like, or think you drop everything, stop being work-focused and turn into some warm and fuzzy earth mama type as soon as you give birth. Not so. I am the same person I was, but I have a child. Who is fabulous. I’m delighted we had him. I don’t recognise the versions of motherhood often described on here, and those posters wouldn’t recognise mine, either, probably, but that’s fine.

It sounds to me as if your DP may be confused about whatever is prompting him to think about another child, and attempting to rule it out by using your ‘non-maternal ness’ as a rationale for putting it out of his head entirely. But that’s nothing to do with you. I would discount that as you consider whether you might actually like to have a child.

No, it’s not ‘crucial’, and I personally would have continued to be happy childfree, but I’m also thrilled we had DS. Think of it as choosing between different but equally valid types of path. Just don’t let other people’s ideas of the kind of person you are inhabit your decision.

If you do become a mother, you’ll do it in your own way.

Your DP is probably worried than in a few years you'll want a baby and he will consider himself too old. Now is the right time to be thinking about these things as, if you do want a child with him, he is telling you that there is only a short period of time left to make that decision. He's being sensible.

@Stompythedinosaur, this: I think part of getting older is realising that the choices you make limit what you have the potential to do in the future. is very true. Perhaps I'm just bumping up against my first really irreversible choice....

@Candlesticking I'm really interested to hear more about your experience –when you say "I don’t recognise the versions of motherhood often described on here, and those posters wouldn’t recognise mine, either, probably, but that’s fine", can you say more about that? If I'm honest a lot of my perceptions of motherhood are probably coloured by being on here...

I think he's helpfully pointing out that his window is closing, and if you want to change your mind now is the time! It's awfully hard on couples when they have strongly held and different decisions. He's been ok either way for a while, but is moving into 'no more' territory and is making sure you know that.

You are facing the moment where 'probably not' turns into 'definitely not'. It's a big moment, but only if you are thinking about changing your mind.

The only thing that has changed is that possibility being removed soon. Other than that, all your criteria are the same.

Some of us had an overwhelming longing for children. I'm a compulsive nurturer. Without children, it's animals, pot plants, local community. I started out with pot plants and fish, then had my own D.C., then fostered, then moved on to animals and community.

You are wired differently, which is fine. If you aren't 'called' to it, no need to do it.

All I would say is, consider whether your mum's struggles have put you off when they aren't necessarily struggles you would face. It would be disappointing to realise that, too late.

Loads of women want kids and they aren’t around them
There are women who don’t want kids and are around them all the time

You really only should have a child if YOU want to conceive a baby, carry it, give birth to it and put them before your for the next umpteen years.
If none of that is making sense and something isn’t compelling you to our of love or hormones or whatever then don’t

Certainly don’t have a child because you think you ought to or because you are worried you’re missing out on something

That isn’t fair to yourself or the child

[quote notsosmoothie]**@Stompythedinosaur, this: I think part of getting older is realising that the choices you make limit what you have the potential to do in the future. is very true. Perhaps I'm just bumping up against my first really irreversible choice....

@Candlesticking I'm really interested to hear more about your experience –when you say "I don’t recognise the versions of motherhood often described on here, and those posters wouldn’t recognise mine, either, probably, but that’s fine", can you say more about that? If I'm honest a lot of my perceptions of motherhood are probably coloured by being on here...[/quote]
I see on here women talking about lives utterly changed by having a child— and I don’t mean things like ‘I felt complete’ or ‘I started seeing life in technicolour’, because I felt complete and pretty Technicolour before I had DS. There was nothing ‘missing’.

I mean I don’t recognise Mn accounts of lives completely reoriented around having children, retreating from the world of work or becoming a SAHM frequently regarded as naturally ‘the best choice for the family’, women routinely doing the overwhelming majority of childcare and housework, ‘Mum friends’, obsessing about school catchments and cliques in the playground, retreating inside family life, and having a lot of limits on your freedom. DH, despite a very high-powered job that multiply outearns mine, does more than half of everything, I remain extremely committed to my work and friendships, including those with child free people, we go to places we like for holidays, we’ve lived in three different countries since DS was born, I’ve never had a moment’s ‘mum guilt’ at working or using childcare. Part of this is having had a child at the end of my 30s, part of it is having a child with a good person without a sexist bone in his body, part of it is having only one child by choice, but I’ve genuinely found parenting interesting and unexpected.

I absolutely adore DS, and obviously life has changed since we had him, but he feels more like a fabulous addition than a filled gap, and I haven’t turned into someone new.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

It's perfectly normal not to want children. You sound like you are happy with life as a child-free person and know what you want. I wonder if I only had kids because of social conditioning from a young age. Society makes you think you want/need children (and a man!), but you might actually be happier without them.

They take so much of your energy, health, money and freedom.