When someone ghosts you and then gets in touch again

[Ghostedxoxo]

Had a thirty year friendship which ended four years ago when my friend appeared to not want me in her life anymore. Texts went unanswered. When I tried to call, she was unavailable to meet up. I found it spectacularly painful as I assumed that I must have done something to offend, but had no idea what it could be. There had been no argument, nothing I could think of that would make her not want to be in touch. We didn't rely on each other for emotional support in any way, so it seemed unlikely that I had been too demanding in some way. I must have spent hours pouring over text messages, wondering what I could possibly have done that would end such a long friendship without explanation. I actually felt depressed for a time as the not knowing was awful.

She did send a text about 3 and a half years ago, apologising that she hadn't been a good friend and that things have been difficult. I did reply to the text, but heard nothing more. I also tried to phone her to see if she was ok. Although she spoke about meeting up, she ultimately backed out of actually doing it and resumed ghosting me. The birthday present I sent was also ignored. I had no choice but to draw a line under the friendship, however painful.

Last year, I got a Christmas card from her saying it would be nice to meet up. I didn't respond as she had paid lip service to meeting up before and it turned out that she really didn't want to. I had found it humiliating to keep trying and being rebuffed.

This year, I have now received another Christmas card with a short note telling me that a dear friend had died and her mother had lost her battle to Alzheimer's. She had split up with her husband and she gave me her new address, saying that she hoped I hadn't been offended by her absence.

I now feel that I don't know whether I can face trying to rebuild the friendship again. It sounds like she has had a tough time recently, so it seems mean to ignore her card/note. However, I found the no contact with no explanation for the past four years heart breaking.

Has anyone else had this scenario and what did you end up doing?

Yes same. Was horrible as I had no idea what I had done to deserve it.

I blocked them on all SM and on my phone.

I would throw the card in the bin and not respond. If you get another one next year I would return to sender stating you were no longer at that address. Hopefully she will get the hint in the meantime.

Tough one. However, it sounds as though she’s lost 3 people in her life who were very dear to her and is now running back to you. I suspect if you meet up, the friendship may resume for a short while but ultimately she’ll ghost you again. I’d recommend ignoring. Sorry.

She needs you now but you can never forget how she treated you. That was really awful. I wouldn't contact her. She'll only hurt you again.

I have experienced similar and agree she will most likely ghost you again in the future. The pain of being dropped by a childhood friend like this was worse than any break up I've ever been through, and took me years to stop grieving.
But I think I would respond to the most recent card, to finally and definitively draw a line under the friendship. You could just be honest with her, which is kinder than she has been to you. Commiserate with her on the loss of her mother, but then explain time moves on, people change and their paths diverge,which you understand now is the natural way of things. Wish her well for the future but explain you won't be responding to any further correspondence.
Then put her address in the bin and block her on phone social media etc.

I would contact to tell her how hurt you feel OP (phone not txt). I would also tell her now she needs to support it’s all very timely she has reappeared. I don’t think I could forgive that. You were friends for a long time and she let that go!

My 'best' friend of many years ghosted me. After several years she got back in touch and said she'd been in a toxic relationship and had climbed out of a bathroom window to escape. Obviously I forgave the ghosting and supported her. We had a lovely couple of years, I was her bridesmaid, she was mine. Then her relationship went sour, they split, she got a new job in London. She ghosted me again. I thought something had happened, I contacted her mum, apparently she'd moved to London, and met someone new. It hurts. It's been 4yrs now. I would be careful.

@Indecisivelurcher that’s awful. I hope you are ok.

Thank you. It still feels shitty after all this time. My husband showed me an article last week seems she's CEO of a company in London now, which is so far out of my league it's untrue. I wish he hadn't shown me as feel all bitter and she's on my mind again. But she's missed out on my second child who is 3.5yo now. Meh.

Agree with PPs, she threw away 30 years of friendship , I would be wary of rekindling any kind of communications with this so-called friend even to explain anything. It will turn into a conversation and before you know it you’ll be drawn in until she decides to leave you in the lurch again.

She hoped you hadn't been offended by her absence!

I honestly can't see how anything positive for you can come from this. I can't imagine that there is much she is going to be able to say to make you understand why she did it, because there can't be a good reason. If she'd disappeared entirely for the four years then maybe she might have had some sort of breakdown but the texts, phone call and the suggestions of meeting up but not actually doing it show that isn't the case.

The person who you had the friendship with isn't there anymore. She doesn't exist.

I don't think you are going to get a reason or an explanation as I don't think there can be one. It might make you feel worse if she says 'oh I was having marriage difficulties so I couldn't ever speak to you or acknowledge you sent me a birthday present'

I don't think you should worry about being unkind. Not for spite reasons or because she didn't care about your feelings but because she mustn't care as much about you as you did about her. Or she couldn't have done it. She will be Ok without you. You shouldn't put yourself in a position where you can be hurt all over again four years later.

Why on earth wouldn't she want to have all the friends she could get around her if she was having such a hard time?! It makes no sense to have pushed you away. Sounds to me that she's finding herself suddenly short of friends and wants you back to fill the gap in her life. Don't be used or taken advantage of. Reply briefly if you want, but I'd be keeping her at acquaintance level at best.

No thanks.
I wouldn't waste any effort on this.

It wouldn't waste my time OP, she'll no doubt hurt you again. I never understand why people ghost someone else, it's such a hurtful cowardly way to end a friendship.

Avoid. People like her only care when they need a friend. Where was she when you needed one? I'd be tempted to tell her to go fuck herself.

Thank you all so much for your advice. You are echoing what my own family have said.

I feel inclined not to reply to her card and leave things as they are. I heard a quote the other day which is apparently from Maya Angelou, that when people show you who they are, believe them the first time. I think that my friend could easily treat me the same way again if I tried to reignite the friendship.

Sorry to hear about your experience @Indecisivelurcher. That sounds awful. It's hard to get your head round how traumatic it is when you just don't know why someone has disappeared from your life. For it to have happened to you twice must have been so incredibly upsetting.

Did you know her husband at all? Is there any chance at all he was abusive and controlling of her relationships? I think that's the only scenario where I'd forgive this level of ghosting, otherwise I'd just ignore her. You've deeply mourned the relationship and she's breezing in like she's just been a bit busy for a few weeks

I'm going to swim against the flow here. I couldn't ignore or reject her, especially after a friendship of 30 years and when I knew she had been going through a tough time. She mentions a parent with dementia and a relationship breakdown, which have possibly been very stressful for years. Some people withdraw from some or all friends during deeply challenging times like that. I would be honest and say I had missed her, been deeply hurt by her absence and ask her to explain why she cut you from her life. But I would give her that chance, for both our sakes. It might not work out well, but I would have to try.

Maya also talked about forgiveness.

'It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, forgiveness. Forgive everybody. You are relieved of carrying that burden of resentment....Forgiveness is one way not to drag the hurt around.'

She is a fair weather friend and will dump you again whenever she sees fit.

You are not to be taken out of the drawer and put back at her whim.

Drop her and move on.

Ignore her, you do not need to reply to her. Renewing the friendship probably wouldn't be a good idea, especially if you arent keen to.

I ghosted an old friend, many years ago. It was long before the word "ghosting" really existed. I knew what I was doing was awful, I felt absolutely dreadful about it, but the more time went by, the harder I found it to get in touch. I thought about my friend constantly, and agonised over not being in touch with her. Somehow I just couldnt bring myself to call or email or message her - I knew at the time I had depression, was suffering from stress, I was struggling with a relative dying of cancer which was a trigger topic for my friend, and I felt all I ever did was drag my friend down and dump my problems on her. I felt she was better off without me and so I just cut contact. It was awful of me, I should have told her I needed a break to sort myself out and ask if that was okay with her, but I was immature and messed up and I didnt know how to repair the hurt I had caused, so I hid my head in the sand and disappeared from her life.

I am still friends on Facebook and I'm gratified to see she has a wide circle of lovely seeming friends. My best hope is she wrote me off quickly and moved on, but I'm sure she would have been sad and worried about me for a while.

Do whatever you need to do, OP. If she was ever a good friend, she would prefer you to do what's best for you now even if that means blocking her completely now.

Many years later I sent her an apology, but I didnt ask for forgiveness and I didnt ask to renew the friendship. I just wanted to give her the closure of admitting how badly I behaved and how sorry I still feel about it all.

My oldest friend of 30 years engages in this sort of behaviour. She has had significant mental health challenges in the past, and has been diagnosed with BPD( a diagnosis she does not accept.) She is an amazing friend when she is in touch, so personally, I allow her to treat me like this in a way I wouldn't from any other friend.

She also does the same thing to other friends, and I witness her becoming quite distressed at her perception of others' actions and telling me why she intends to ghost this or that person. Although she has not always been well, I do feel there is an element of choice in her behaviour, but feel loath to tackle it with a direct conversation because I worry about her ghosting me again and I do value her friendship despite the challenges. So instead I take the friendship on a more superficial level but know of course that it is likely to be hurtful again in the future when she no doubt decides to ghost me again for some precieved slight.

I suppose you have to decide what you want from this friendship. Is your friend well? Can you continue the friendship on any level, even a superficial level? Do you want to be open with her about how much she hurt you? You have many options as PP have discussed, including block/delete, ignore, get in touch and make clear how she hurt you and formally end the friendship, resume the friendship on a superficial or deeper level in the knowledge she is likely to repeat her behaviour and hurt you again. Perhaps she has grown up a bit more now? Or perhaps this is just how she is? Only you can know what will work best for you but I wish you luck because I know how hurtful and hard to understand it can be when you like someone as a friend and they reject you for no apparent reason. Almost less understandable than a romantic relationship, because you can have lots of friends so there is no reason to randomly end the relationship in such a cruel way.

This is bloody painful and happened to me too. The friend years apologised and wanted to be for friendly. I met them a few times but things would never have been the same.
I would reply , be honest and say that you had been hurt by their behaviour , wish them well but after all this time would prefer to let sleeping dogs lie as you have moved on.

Sorry to hear this unpleasant thing happened to you OP. My experience was not a close friend but a friend/close neighbour who was constantly ghosting after making an appearance.. I moved house but was still very nearby her. Invited her to come and visit after getting new house cleaned up and some decent furniture. She said replied to text saying she would and then I heard nothing else until 6 months later she turned up on doorstep with Christmas cards as if nothing had happened. She left saying we should meet up for lunch soon but when I tried to arrange she would ignore me. The exact same thing happened the following Christmas, she would turn up without warning, again said we should meet up and again ignored my efforts to organise.

Following the last Christmas show up, 4 months passed and I got a text out of the blue (she hadn't texted me for about 2 years so I had no clue who it was initially!) with the usual story, meet up blah blah blah so I just replied, 'sure, I'll wait for you to tell me what arrangements suit you' (knowing full well nothing would happen) and left it at that.

Now I just get a Christmas card and no visit, which suits me fine as I long ago came to the conclusion, that I can no longer be bothered giving her any head space as it was all getting me down.

Good luck with your decision Ghostedxoxo

Thank you all for your posts and thoughts. It is much appreciated.

The more I think about it, the less inclined I am to re-open an old wound. Even by acknowledging her short note , I think that it might instigate some kind of dialogue which will cause me to slide into rekindling the friendship. Not sure I can face it and will probably just not respond.