Your experience of someone with a personality disorder

[Checkers271]

I've been friends with someone for around 8 years now. For the last 5 of those years I've thought they had some sort of personality disorder. Some of the behaviour (without being too specific)

-multiple affairs
-very focused on possessions
-selfish
-controlling
-loves to spend money but not prepared to earn their own
-has fallen out with lots of people, friends and family
-is very black and white in her expectations of how others should behave but doesn't hold herself to the same standards
-zero remorse for when she hurts others
-is always the victim

The flip side to these things is that she can be great fun, vivacious, thoughtful, generous. I've never met anyone so complicated.

Have you met anyone who you've thought might have a personality disorder of some sort? What did they do to make you think like that? Are they still in your life or did you have to cut off from them?

I had a friend for 25 years with borderline personality disorder (diagnosed ) and she was very much like that. She also lied a lot, about everything and anything, had a lot of fake illnesses and walked away from two children because she didn't like them any more. Nothing is ever her fault. She's exhausting. I don't speak to her any more.

People like this are exhausting and too much stress for what it's worth OP. They grind you down eventually.

I’m a foster carer and a number of my children have later been diagnosed with personality disorders. They are very different to just being a selfish person, which is not a personality disorder. They are rooted in trauma, so if your friend had a very difficult childhood that may be an indicator. Living with someone with OD is a bit like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in my experience- exhausting and thankless but not their fault, they genuinely are in need. The way I’ve managed is to have very clear boundaries and being explicit about what I will do. It’s never enough, but we find peace in that. Personality disorder has a bad press but actually it’s really sad, even with people who seem very bad a lot of the time- the effects of observing domestic violence for instance can have profound effects that can damage people terribly.

“Some sort of personality disorder?” Really?
Personality disorders are very distinct from one another. Which one do you think she has? I hate when people use this diagnosis as a general insult/ descriptor of someone who isn’t very nice/ is self centred.
A personality disorder is an actual diagnosable condition, whereas from what you describe your friend is just a self centred person with questionable morals. Reading your list of qualities and your assumption would be quite hurtful potentially to someone with a diagnosed disorder. I wonder if personality disorder will be renamed in the future for similar reasons to spastic being renamed. It seems to be being used as a put down more and more...

A mate of mine has borderline personality disorder. Whilst she sometimes tells lies etc, it mainly manifests with her appearance. She is undoubtedly beautiful and leads a very privileged lifestyle - you would think she has the perfect life.

She goes back and forth between thinking she’s ugly and being insecure to the point of self harm, and then thinking she’s the sexiest person alive - it’s a drastic change in her mood. She is currently an Instagram lingerie model and has dabbled with OnlyFans, although she comes from a family of millionaires and doesn’t need the money. I think she partially does this to seek validation on her looks

I work with people with personality disorders, generally BPD. Of your list the black and white thinking and 'splitting' is classic but the rest doesn't especially sound like BPD to me.

Yup sounds like a classic case of arsehole disorder. I'd avoid if I were you.

My apologies if I've offended anyone with my OP.

Yes she did have trauma in her childhood.

Well I have bpd and none of what is on your list is not true of me and not if anyone else I have known with bpd. People always say oh people with bpd are so manipulative, are liars, are always acting out and so on. My cpn said in her decades of experience that the stereotype is nothing like the reality in the main.

If you don't mind me asking, how does it affect you fantasmasgoria1?

So what qualifies you to diagnose someone with a complex mental health condition? Only psychiatrists are able to diagnose personality disorders. Have you gone to medical school, completed foundation medical training then years of specialist training?

If not, I’d refrain from making any assessment of someone else’s mental health condition

Apart from multiple affairs (as she is long term single) this sounds exactly like my ex-friend K.

She also had trauma in childhood and has complex MH issues. I don't know if she has a diagnosed personality disorder as she wouldn't have said if she did.

I also have severe mental health issues (bipolar, CPTSD) and have spent time in psychiatric hospitals so reasonably familiar with a lot of different people and diagnoses.

I did think BPD at one point but ruled it out for some of the reasons PP mention above.

I came to think that actually she was closer to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I know it gets thrown around on MN but it's the closest to her symptoms.

We were very close friends for 10+ years but it ground me down, the lies and manipulation became too much.

In the end I went no contact in August, it was a hard decision as I was the very last person from her family and friends to still be in touch but I had to do it for my own MH.

I have clearly said that I thought she had a personality disorder. I'm not diagnosing her. I've started this thread as I'm trying to understand her better. I'd like to hear other peoples experiences. I'd like to be a good friend to her but if I can't understand where this behaviour is coming from then I dont think I can cope with the friendship anymore.

I have a friend with diagnosed BPD. I met her when she was undergoing counselling and taking meds and have experienced what happened when she stopped both.

When in treatment she was generous, lovely, supportive but quite intense and had a tendency to be paranoid. She was also very black and white thinking so would think nothing of 'telling on' someone at work if they didn't do what they should have so a few people thought she was a bit of a cow when I don't think she was being malicious.
When off her meds and counselling, she became so impulsive she put herself in danger, her black and white thinking became erratic and she cut off a lot of people for tiny reasons.

She's not a bad person at all but she comes across as having an 'edge.' Her intensity means I've stepped back a bit - it's not her fault but at the same time, I can't be available 24/7.

Your friend just seems like a selfish horrible person OP and you don't need a personality disorder for that.

I didn't in own about personality disorders at the time but I have had to cut a person out of my life due to their controlling, manipulative, abusive and disrespectful behaviour towards me.

I only learned about NPD, APD etc later on when I was confused at why I kept giving this person another chance. No idea whether they had a PD but after reading up, it's the lack of empathy and sudden change in demeanour when I say no to a demand request that makes me think they might have one. Either way, they were a nasty person that I needed out of my life.

Does your friend treat you well and with respect or does she belittle you and make jokes at your expense to make you feel shit? Does she value your friendship and is she kind to you and not only when she wants something?

She may or may not have a PD and like others said, having a PD like BPD does not necessarily mean they are a horrible person.

If you feel exhausted rather than energised when you are with her, then I'd be distancing myself from her.

In the gentlest possible way there are many people with diagnosed disorders who have fought hard to overcome the stigma and negativity associated with the diagnosis who might feel that this thread is very unhelpful. I know NT people who behave this way, and I know people with disorders who don’t.
Trying to associate a group of negative disorders to a vast spectrum of people really isn’t helpful.

If you want to unfriendly your friend just do it.

I’m not sure how far the context of a diagnosed or suspected personality disorder is supposed to help you respond to the behaviours, traits or interpersonal problems? People aren’t any less difficult just because you know they’re acting that way because they’re in chronic mental/emotional pain from unmet childhood needs or other trauma.

I always thought it was fucked up that anything undesirable I did as a bipolar patient was treated compassionately by hospital or community staff as the symptom of an illness I couldn’t help having while addicts, people diagnosed with borderline etc were somehow repellent and manipulative. Even though it’s almost exactly the same thing, or worse really - their behaviour is because of a condition too. I’m probably more manipulative than your average borderline or addict, just better at getting people to like me first.

I have borderline personality disorder, and that sounds vaguely like me. I have: rapid mood changes, intense anger, black and white thinking, paranoia, and more. It's pretty hellish and sounds like what the person in your OP has.

Also know a diagnosed narcissist - whew boy.

Someone I've known for years seems to be set on self destruction. It seems she cannot settle for things that make other people happy, like a solid marriage and children. She had her first baby taken off her by SS, had multiple issues with drugs and alcohol, a lovely husband who just despaired of her in the end, lost her children to him, made herself homeless, took up with hopeless drug addicts and threatened suicide multiple times. Yes she can be the kindest, most generous person ever. I've never seen her in any kind of rage or loss of control, just self destructive. I think one day she will kill herself.

Another with a PD had the most fantastic marriage, beautiful home and children, qualified nurse with a good job, but she was a total fanaticism in other ways. Saw a therapist and came up with stories of being satanically abused by her parents which was continuing. Said they had broken into her home and carved an upside down cross on her chest, but her chest had no mark on it. She was a bit crazy, but again not nasty just weird thought patterns

Honestly, just give up on the friendship. One thing I've discovered is you can't fix them and you can't allow them to suck you dry emotionally

Just be warned (and I unfortunately speak from experience) you might be on the receiving of a shed load of lies and abuse if you traditionally "dump" this friendship. I'd advise gradual ghosting and the grey rock technique, because people like this tend to get a whole lot nastier when you reject them.

Hi OP, I have a family member with a PD. I wonder why you want to know this about your friend? Is it to excuse her behaviour in some way? I think whether it's PD related or not, you need to be firm/honest with her if she does things to you that are unreasonable or unkind. If it's about other aspects of her behaviour that don't affect you, then I'd not get overly involved but just try to be a friend. My family member does not lie or manipulate, she is very kind. But she does go through emotional extremes, she can be very self centered and her thinking at times is quite irrational. If it directly affects me, I've learnt I need to take a step back for my own well being. If it doesn't, I just try to be there and listen and do things I know give her some distraction. I've stopped trying to fix her or work it all out.

Your post is fairly offensive considering the reasoning behind you thinking your friend has ‘some sort of personality disorder’ is a list of negative traits. I have a diagnosis of EUPD (aka BPD) and the stigma and stereotypes around it is awful even though I would consider myself a fairly positive and easy-going person. It took me a long time to accept my diagnosis as I read so many threads like these where people automatically equate personality disorders with awful and difficult behaviours towards others. Most of my difficulties are directed towards myself (Eg: self harm, eating disorders, self-destructive thought patterns, avoiding relationships etc) and directed at others.

Your friend might just be a difficult person, that doesn’t mean she has a personality disorder. You can be selfish without a personality disorder, and indeed I think I probably care a lot more about others and show a lot more remorse etc because of how much I tend to overthink things. It is offensive to list traits such as ‘selfish’ as reasons to think she has a personality disorder. It is hardly a diagnostic criteria.

Directed at myself and not directed at others**

45degrees I am more likely to punish myself than anyone else. I am always very depressed and anxious. Instead of lashing out (I never really want to lash out) I go upstairs and cry. I have an eating disorder, I think I'm ugly and overweight and I just hate myself. I struggle to speak on the phone and get upset if it is someone other than my Fiance.

Up until a couple of years ago I worked full time and even went to university. Whilst at uni in the holidays my mental health got worse and my during first job after university I had a breakdown. I have always supported others and tried my level best but my bpd made me become very paranoid and I would get another job then leave the old one. Both ltr exes abused me. The first ex did so in every way you can imagine and it was horrific. As my cpn says in her experience people with bpd are no more manipulative than anyone else and it makes her cross how people are treated.