Just want to talk this sexual experience through

[RosesandPumpkins]

It wasn’t assault.
I consented. I wanted to have sex. But it was quite rough and it wasn’t pleasant.
I didn’t say stop because to be honest I was just a bit shocked at what he was doing. It did hurt. It was my worst sexual experience.
I feel totally used but it was entirely my own stupidity.
It was about two years ago but I can’t stop going back to it and feeling shame.
Thanks for listening. Just need to share
And can’t share in rl

@petrabarnby please start your own thread, yours is an insensitive post considering what the original post is about.
Go back to active threads > new post

I'm sorry op, that does sound like a traumatic experience. Have you any thoughts on getting some counselling?

Roses, do you want to talk about it? You know, it wasn't your fault that you didn't say stop, I'm sorry you had such a bad experience.

@RosesandPumpkins I am sorry you had that experience.

It was not your stupidity and all, you consented to one thing, and a different thing happened - that is not OK at all, but definitely not your fault.

I'm sorry he hurt you. It isn't your fault. It makes perfect sense that it still plays on your mind - you consented to sec, and he hurt you instead. That's completely on him, not you.

You consented to sex. I'm pretty sure you didn't consent to being hurt and used. And when it happened, you froze. Which is a perfectly normal reaction to feeling scared, and hurt, and traumatised. This wasn't "entirely all your own stupidity" - if you had consented to sex with a decent man, then you wouldn't have been hurt and used. You thought you were consenting to sex with a decent man, but he wasn't. Because he hurt and used you. You didn't know that would happen. So this is not your fault.

That sounds awful. You weren't consenting to that kind of sex. I hope you don't have contact with him now.

I don't understand why any person wouldn't understand what basic/normal sex is and realise things outside of this requires discussion and consent.

I have a family member who had been chatting to a chap to travelled to meet him. They had sex, all fine then through the night she was woken up with him performing anal sex on her. Thats not on or normal.

Hopefully this experience has given you some confidence with future partners to discuss and say no to anything at any time that you are not comfortable with.

No, thankfully zero contact. Blocked immediately after. He drove me home so wasn’t a complete bastard.
It’s not something that haunts me, but I can’t shake it. And it’s the embarrassment and shame I feel.
Perhaps I will bring it up with my counsellor.

Thanks for listening. I just wanted it to not be entirely mine anymore.

I’m glad to feel reassured that whilst I consented to sex I didn’t consent to rough painful and unenjoyable sex.

Also you just remember that you hadn’t expected nor been in that situation before and so please do not haunt yourself with any ‘shoulds’ eg ‘should have said/done something differently’.

70% of people freeze up during a sexual assault.

Maybe working through Jessica Taylor's free course could help?

www.victimfocus.org.uk/free-caring-for-yourself-after-sexual-violence

Absolutely not your fault OP that this happened, and I am so sorry you went through it. You cannot possibly know how to respond in the moment.

I hope your counselling will help with your healing.

That’s not ok what happened to you.

As others have said, you consented to sex but not to what happened. So you didn’t consent.

It’s really common to freeze during sexual assault so you just can’t speak up. Please don’t blame yourself.

This wasn’t ok but it’s not your fault, it’s his.

You may have a Rape crisis centre near you that you could talk to.

Take care OP.

It was assault. I’m so sorry.

I'm glad you can see that consenting to sex, doesn't mean you consented to what he did.

Why do you feel guilty and ashamed? You consented to sex, you're allowed to do that! You froze, HE assaulted you! He's the one who shoukd feel ashamed & guilty, not you!

You must have felt very vulnerable. Do you think he knew he was hurting you? As in both are horrible to experience, but there's a difference between something that was slightly rougher than you're used and you weren't expecting to be sore but suddenly is, versus him being intentionally rough knowing would be painful but not caring about how you were finding it.

The latter would be a sexual assault. Even the former would leave you feeling unsettled if you froze up and weren't able to communicate your discomfort.

Not abnormal to still be thinking about it

I understand.
When I was younger I had one or two sexual experiences which were not pleasant and left me feeling ashamed or used. Nothing particularly weird or unusual, and I consented, and didn’t ask for them to stop.
My older self would have said ‘stop, I’m not enjoying this’. I feel annoyed with myself for not doing that at the time.
My situation may have been different to yours, but perhaps I understand the complexity of feelings you may have. It’s easy to freeze in this sort of situation, or allow it to continue through embarrassment, or fear, or not wanting to cause an awkward situation, a myriad of reasons. It’s hard to say I’ve changed my mind, I don’t like this, stop.
Counselling could be helpful, to help explore the feelings you had at the time, and have now.
But do be kind to yourself now, there’s no need to feel shame.