Just need a hand hold through life right now

[fedthefuckupwithlife]

My username says it all really. I'm late 30s peri menopausal, 2 DC, still seeing my youngest father even though I know it won't work.

I have a decent-ish job. It involves lots of emotional support to others as well as very practical support.

I've spent my entire adult life in shitty relationships, but have managed to have 2 lovely children, although the eldest can be defiant, well they both can actually.

I have a home, although mortgaged, it's mine. I have a car, I can pay the bills but have to budget.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here, but I just feel like I've failed. I've fucked up in life. I just need a hand hold right now.

Here is a hand, and a hug, and remember that everything seems worse in the dark and the cold.

Is there anything specific you feel low over? If you're in an emotionally draining job, sometimes that cup can run empty - particularly if you have kids and without an empathetic/useful partner.

I’m totally hopeless at advice but don’t want you to feel alone in this!

You sound absolutely great, tbh! You have your own home, two children, a FB (from the sound of it...)

You have to give a lot emotionally and it must feel as though nobody's giving any emotional support to you. That can be really tough for you.

Do you get to spend any time apart from your children (eg to go for a run)?

Is the children's father a good influence? How old are the children?

If you are peri menopausal, then you're very young to be going through that. Are you having any medical treatment?

Have a hand-hold from me. It's been a tough, tough year. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you all for you lovely words.

I get a bit of time away from the DC, but when i do I'm too tired to do anything. I started C25K but got to week 6 then lost motivation. I've put on so much weight in the last 9 months, I'm embarrassed by the way I look.

I used to love swimming and then covid happened and haven't dared go back to a pool.

Yes I'm emotionally drained and the situation with partner isn't helping. We don't live together. I don't feel appreciated by him, work or the DC.

Menopause happens early in my family. My periods have been all over the place the last 12 months. I get hot flushes, and I'm lethargic all the time.

Currently trying to juggle making a roast dinner and paint a ceiling whilst I've got the energy.

Have you spoken to a Dr about your peri symptoms? Oestrogen can really help with a lot of them.

It’s been an emotionally draining year all over. You have an emotionally draining job, are a sole parent (it sounds like, despite relationship?) which means you give a lot that way, and you’re peri-menopausal. Please don’t judge yourself.

I have a job that requires a lot if me emotionally sometimes in terms of relationships. And DC and a DH who are wonderful but needy emotionally- or it feels that way to me. It’s not easy to keep doing the things that help recharge and bring balance when you can’t motivate yourself into them because you’re tired. I get it. No answers, but happy to hand hold.

I’m sending a hug and a cup of tea 💚💚💚 Life is challenging to say the least just now, you’re doing well!

@Chewbecca I've had bloods taken to check for peri menopause twice this year but GP says they're normal. I know in myself that it's peri though.

Thank you @NoSquirrels and @Bronzino. Sometimes someone saying "I get it" is enough. I feel like I couldn't talk about this IRL.

It’s so bloody hard, I really do get it. I’m in the eye of the peri storm, that alone is utterly bollox, and I’ve put on three (yes, three!) stone in the last year. It’s a ghastly time, but honest injun love, if you’re managing to brush your teeth every day, then as far as I’m concerned that’s a win ;)

You absolutely have not failed.
Do you think you could be depressed?
If your relationship isn’t making you happy then its probably time to move on. Better to be single than miserable.
Do you have supervision with your job? It sounds like you could do with it - the emotional toll that this last year has had on many people is overwhelming, you sound like you could do with some support. Speak to your line manager and your GP to access talking therapies. Talke time for yourself, you need it xx

I’ll echo Soontobe60 sounds like depression which I’ve heard is common in peri menopause.

You actually have your shit together though. I’m a similar age with life far less together than you! But if you don’t feel like that it can cause such unrest.

Also decide for 2021 what you want out of your relationship. Sounds like your putting in a lot of work and not getting anything back. Is that what you want? Is it making you happy?

I hate cliched speeches of new year new you, but it is always useful to use the time off to work out what is and isn’t working for you. And if you want that to change (and how).

Also get back to the GP if you can x

Right,

This is what I would do.

Ditch DP, seriously. You aint got the physical time or emotional strength for that, save it for you & the kids. I mean that nicely.

Work, well when the time is right you can get something better for you hopefully.

As far as I know they don't check perimenopause by blood test anymore as its such an outdated view on it.

Symptoms alone should be enough, so make an appointment with another G.P and get on the Menopause section of Mumsnet.

I have just tried HRT, it wasn't for me, (I got really tearful every day) so Im trying the minipill now purely for peri symptoms.

Currently trying to juggle making a roast dinner and paint a ceiling whilst I've got the energy

Personally I try to decorate when DC is at school, & I take A/L, I know we shouldnt have to, but I do.

Its shit, Im in the shit boat with you, but one day it will be less shit.

Also - don’t cook a roast, paint a ceiling and post on MN at the same time. If you wanted a metaphor for spreading yourself too thinly, that’s do it!

(I am ignoring need for someone to cook dinner and MNing by the fire. Very sensible of me. Let us not discuss the decorating needed upstairs that I thought I’d do today, the trip to Pets At Home urgently required as DH/DC forgot to mention no proper cat food left and have been feeding fussy cat diarrhoea-inducing GoCat (and moaning on discovery of said shits in inappropriate places DESPITE THIS HAPPENING LAST TIME YOU FED HER THAT, the paperwork required for appt tomorrow that’s god knows where and I CBA looking and the many many other less urgent but necessary things I should be doing.)

Yes I think I'm depressed, just didn't want to say it out loud and I really don't want anti-depressants. I think the suggestion about talking therapy is good, there is provision for this in my workplace so might put myself forward for this.

I think my cup is empty, and I'm not happy in this relationship. I wanted it to work and I think that's the core of my feelings of failure. I never quite get it right on the relationship front and I'm just sick of it now.

Nosquirrels you describe many scenarios that are so similar to mine. Gave me a laugh 😆

Thank you @Somemeht that's all really good advice.

I am all of what you are feeling , here's my hand and a glass or mug of something

Does your workplace have a menopause policy? From your mention of occupational health counselling, it sounds as if it might. That can include flexibility for longer breaks etc. Could you maybe use that to work in some time during the working day, even before you start your working day, to restart some exercise programme / yoga whatever to promote wellbeing

I rang my surgery and asked which G.P has a special interest in womens health?

Are you feeling like this every week or just before your period?

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd/about-pmdd/

Have you ever tracked your symptoms?
I used the PMDD tracker app.

I have now found a great G.P, she said we can try a SSRI just for the luteal phase every month, so for 14 days before my period as well as the mini pill for progesterone.

You need a G.P that is supportive in helping you to find the best treatment.

Thank you @Tickledtrout that's a really good suggestion. I think they do have a menopause management policy so I'll look into that.
@Somemeht the symptoms are most of the time, worse leading up to a period but I haven't had what you'd call a period for 2 months, only slight spotting then nothing.
Yes I agree I need a supporting GP, but getting an appointment is a nightmare, it's a ring at 8.30am and hope you get an appointment practice. But I am going to push for support because I can't carry on like this.

Just out of interest could the mini pill be used with the contraceptive implant as I don't want to have the implant out.

You sound like, an incredible person who has got it all together but you are in the wrong relationship and suffering from peri-menopause and maybe depression. That is an awful lot to be dealing with.

Make yourself some promises to look after yourself from now on. (Not really a new year’s resolution but a long term focus on prioritising yourself). Focus on ending this relationship and sorting out your peri-menopause. It might be worth seeing a naturopath/ going down the alternative medicine route if the regular GP can’t help you.

You sound very down. You’ve had some good advice from previous posters with which I’d agree - get a doctors appointment and get some support for your perimenopause first and foremost, and reconsider your relationship with the father of your youngest. You don’t sound like you’ve fucked up - just like you’ve got too much to deal with. Time to sort that out and look after yourself a bit.