Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

I should really be over this by now!

12 replies

Ansterdame · 29/12/2020 15:52

My mum died after an illness 5 years ago. My friends all sent condolence cards but that’s it, there were no phone calls or anything like that to see how I was. None of my friends came to the funeral despite it being local to them all. One of my best friends however has gone to the funeral of the parents of 3 of our mutual friends. I never said anything to her or to any of my friends at the time but I still feel very let down by the lack of support when I really needed it. I was single at the time too so had no partner to support me. I know that people find it hard to know what to say but no one even tried, it at least that’s what it felt / feels like. These are friends I’ve had for years and years and I consider them good friends.
Please give me any words of wisdom to help me finally move past this.

OP posts:

Quirrelsotherface · 29/12/2020 15:59

Did you ever find out why? I would need to ask them I think, if they went to several other parent funerals. I would feel let down too.

Original poster

Ansterdame · 29/12/2020 16:03

No, I wasn’t in the right place mentally to talk to them about it at the time, and so much time has passed now that I would feel silly to bring it up

OP posts:

FippertyGibbett · 29/12/2020 16:07

Don’t waste your time and thoughts on what they didn’t do.
You might be directing your anger at your DM’s death at them subconsciously. This will eat away at you and erode your friendships.
Let it go for the greater good, then redirect your thoughts and concentrate on remembering the good times with your mum 💐

katy1213 · 29/12/2020 16:12

Did they know your mum? It wouldn't occur to me to go to a friend's parent's funeral unless I'd known them, but if you'd have liked someone there for support, surely you could have asked them?
But it's pointless brooding on it now. AS a nation, we don't deal with death well and people seem to have outsourced the rituals of condolence to Hallmark.

Original poster

Ansterdame · 29/12/2020 16:14

@katy1213

Did they know your mum? It wouldn't occur to me to go to a friend's parent's funeral unless I'd known them, but if you'd have liked someone there for support, surely you could have asked them? But it's pointless brooding on it now. AS a nation, we don't deal with death well and people seem to have outsourced the rituals of condolence to Hallmark.

I didn’t expect any of them to come to the Funeral really, but the fact that one of my friends has gone to other friends’ parents funerals, friends who she is not as close to as me, really upset me and I’m still finding that hard to get over

OP posts:

Original poster

Ansterdame · 29/12/2020 16:16

@FippertyGibbett

Don’t waste your time and thoughts on what they didn’t do. You might be directing your anger at your DM’s death at them subconsciously. This will eat away at you and erode your friendships. Let it go for the greater good, then redirect your thoughts and concentrate on remembering the good times with your mum 💐

Thanks. I don’t want it to erode friendships but part of me can’t get over the thought that the friendships aren’t worth anything if those friends aren’t there for you when you’ve had such a hard time. That’s what I’m finding hard. To feel let down, but to carry on the friendships

OP posts:

Soutiner · 29/12/2020 16:25

Do you think that at the time you were seen as being a strong person who was coping whereas the other friend was offered support at her parent she funeral because she was more vocal about her distress?

That’s how it looks to me, that your friends misjudged how upset you were, not that they were being unkind.

Original poster

Ansterdame · 29/12/2020 16:27

@Soutiner

That’s how it looks to me, that your friends misjudged how upset you were, not that they were being unkind.

That would be a good way to look at it I guess. I’m not sure, is the answer but I would certainly feel better thinking that it was due to that

OP posts:

Chewbecca · 29/12/2020 16:30

I didn’t go to funerals of friends parents in my 20s/30s, I didn’t really see the point given I barely knew the parent. But I’ve since realised differently as I see how much it is appreciated by my friends. I really regret not going to a close friend’s father’s funeral now which was before I realised how important it was. Perhaps it may be similar for your friends?

FippertyGibbett · 29/12/2020 17:45

Did you ask them to come to the funeral ?
Maybe you didn’t but the others did ?

Original poster

Ansterdame · 29/12/2020 17:57

One of the funerals was way before my mum died and the friend didn’t ask for my friend to attend, I know this because my friend sent a message to me and others saying she thought it would be nice if we all went to show our support etc. Then didn’t come to my mum’s or ask me if I wanted her to.
I think previous advice is good, to try not to focus on this and maybe consider whether i appeared strong or private or something else that might explain this

OP posts:

WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 29/12/2020 18:21

@Chewbecca

Yes, I agree with this. In my 20s I would have been too shy / awkward to go to a friend's parent's funeral unless expressly invited, but now I know better and I would always be there to support them.

Are you 'the strong one' usually in your group of friends? Maybe they thought you'd ask for support if you needed it?

Flip