DPs son is really rude to me

[Nosig]

He’s 11. DP has two chilfren, oldest is 16 youngest is 11. I have 4 children between 17-9.

We’ve been together around 18 months, DP split from their mum around 5 years ago.

He’s a very serious child and I think sometimes he comes across as being rude. I’m not sure if he is trying to be rude but it’s got really wearing the last few weeks. They came to us for Christmas and my own kids were looking at me like WTF at some points because they know I wouldn’t put up with that behaviour from them. Things like:

-We were having a discussion around the table and I misspoke a word. He immediately pointed it out. I said yes I meant xyz and he said well why didn’t you say that then. He wasn’t being lighthearted was very straight faced and matter of fact

-we were playing a family game we’ve played for years. I called him over and said come on join in. He said “no and I don’t know know why you are all laughing so much it’s a stupid game”

• he pointed out a picture I have on my wall and told me it was weird and why would anyone have that in their house

I’ve never once (and wouldn’t) pull him up on this. It isn’t my place. DP says he’s just like that and is grown up. I don’t see it as grown up it’s really rude behaviour and I wouldn’t tolerate my kids ever speaking to someone like that.

If a grown up said these things to you, what would you say? Perhaps, 'that's a really weird thing to say, why would you say it?' If DP wants him treated like a grown up, treat him like a grown up.

Pull him up on it? Tell your dp its not grown up its rude he needs to learn manners 🤷‍♀️ I remember being asked if I was lazy by a 6 year old for failing to take my clean washing upstairs as soon as it was done I said not lazy just busy feel free to take it up for me if it matters so much to you she declined but her mom was mortified and she was never allowed over again

Why wouldn’t you pull him up on his bad behaviour? Was it in your house?

Well, it's not "grown up" for a start. It might be "considering oneself a grown-up" in that he doesn't feel he needs to be meek towards adults, but that's not at all the same thing.

And the fact that your partner doesn't realise this is probably a large part of why the child is this way. Nobody's taught him social graces.

Does it help to realise that he's not specifically being rude to you?

Have you observed him with other adults other than your husband?

Is he condescending towards them?

It could be that the mother treats him as her ‘little man’ of the house after she split with his father and he has formed a bad attitude.

The things that you mentioned as examples can be handled politely from your side. I mean speak up in a calm polite manner and then put a rest to it. Don't ponder too much about his behaviour. I think he is being a typical teen. Agree to disagree. If your children are questioning you can explain them as you seem fit.

Does he speak in an unusual way? Tending to use rather formal language? Does he struggle with certain forms of humour, not see jokes etc?

If it is in your home I wouldn't tolerate it personally. Otherwise your other kids will then start thinking 'Oh he can get away with it so I will do the same'. If he is under your roof, he speaks respectfully and follows your rules. But also, approach it that obviously you want him to get along with all of you together as a bigger family

Sounds like he’s on the spectrum, OP. Not seeing humour or ‘getting’ certain jokes can be a sign as children with ASD can be very literal. I’ve also known children with ASD to be very blunt (re: you saying the word wrong and your picture). They don’t see it as rude but purely as a fact, as they don’t read social cues in the same way as neurotypical children. It makes social situations difficult (e.g. your own children’s surprise about his behaviour) but they can often be oblivious and need appropriate social behaviour to be modelled to them.

Sounds like he's 11. Dgs1, who spends pretty much every weekend with his dad (and me and dh) and has done since toddlerhood, is also 11 and has become quite cheeky of late. He's a lovely kid and very well mannered, he's just testing boundaries. His body shape has altered subtly recently and I'd say puberty hormones are kicking in, nothing more than that.

Do pull him up when he's rude, you're not doing him any favours otherwise. But he's just finding his place.