Not sure this is the right place but wasn’t sure where to put it.
I’m late 30s. Diagnosed a few years ago. It hit me recently how HORRIFIC my childhood was but also how surreal.
I wondered if others feel the same ?
I have memories that are so vivid, not just pictures but sensations and smells, light and dark, things the wrong size and just the weirdest things and from a very young age 14 months upwards ..
I remember so many times dm screaming at me to tell her what was wrong. Begging and crying for me to give a reason why I was behaving a certain way and then when I was older school refusing.
I remember drs appts where she was arguing with the dr why were t anti depressants working for me that I surely must be depressed to behave how I did ?
She rejected me a lot as couldn’t understand me. She was frustrated and angry and would force me to things that made me stressed she said i needed to get used to things more then I’d feel better. I didn’t.
I had to rip labels from all my clothes as they hurt. I couldn’t wear certain things as they made me feel ill and if my sleeves went up inside my cardigan when I was very young g I’d scream but I remember not being able to explain why I was screaming.
I was terrified of certain patterns and lights as a toddler and again remember being unable to express that.
I used to at school totally detach and not be able to speak I had no idea till 2 years ago I have selective mutism !
So much of my childhood was confusing but I feel I’m unpicking it now. All the ways I felt how everything was too bright too noisy too cold or too hot or smelt too strong etc etc I understand now. But I can consciously look back or at times something will remind me and I’ll realise it was asd related. It’s very strange In a way. I just wondered is anyone in a similar situation?