I don’t think I can go on much longer

[CloudyButNice]

Come here in desperation really. Not lockdown related but feeling totally and absolutely crushed after the last couple of years dating. I’m horrendously lonely and not because of covid. I earn ok money and have my own place, I match mostly with men who are renting (outside London), even into their late 30s. Others are overtly sexual after a few messages or still married and/or in the process of getting divorced. I am berating myself for not settling down sooner. I’m 35 now. It all feels hopeless. It’s not like I don’t have interests, hobbies and friends. I do but I just don’t know if I can go on much longer like this. One man I recently chatted to on the phone started crying half way through the call about his ex and was clearly drunk. I am constantly putting on a brave face and congratulating others on their milestones with partners. I can’t do this anymore.

OP, I met my wonderful DH when I was 39 and went on to have 2 DC. Please don’t give up.

Oh op, virtual hugs (ok very unmumsnetty)

Sounds like you need to take a step back from OLD. Can you just concentrate on hobbies and friends for a bit until you start to feel better?

My experience of OLD these days is that it's brutal. A thick skin is needed and it sounds like you're just not in that space at the moment

@HermioneMakepeace how did you meet? I am in a smaller city than London. I’ve tried and feel like I missed the good ones. I’m exhausted with it and literally cannot imagine matching with someone I click with.

I’ve been on various sites too including paid ones. I feel like this is it for me.

@lilylongjohn I’m 35, all my friends and colleagues and acquaintances have got on with their lives. I’m so lonely. Hobbies don’t take that away and I’m honestly broken by night after night cooking and watching tv alone. I can’t do it anymore

Are you being too fussy? What's wrong with someone who's separated or getting divorced?

@pinkyredrose they don’t tell me and it materialises they still live together, things like that. I’m not sure if too fussy. Maybe. Maybe I can’t find connections with anyone and that’s on me

I met my OH online dating at a few weeks before 40. He is just an amazing bloke, however there were plenty I dated beforehand who were not! It's definitely a numbers game.

What helped me was taking the pressure right off and changing the way I viewed online dating. It wasn't about finding a partner, it was about finding someone to share a night out with....so as a means to an end of seeing a movie, trying a new restaurant etc. It really helped. I didn't rule people in or out based on a "wish list" of what I perceived my future partner might be. If they seems like an inherently ok person, I went. In times gone by, I wouldn't have dated my now OH (younger than me, exceptionally good looking and someone I would have thought as a result was a player/too good for me). When I changed my mindset, I went anyway, literally to go to a new crazy golf place. 2 years down the line, I'm so glad I did because he's just great.

Sending un mumsnetty hugs! It's tough out there so find a strategy to protect yourself

Can I ask why a man renting is a no no for you?

@Restlessinthenorth thanks. It all feels overwhelming

@lilylongjohn I’ve had men ask if I’m picking up bills and letting them give up work down the line. If they’re nearly 40 and renting outside of London then it suggests they didn’t priorities security.

In my early 40s, I met my wonderful DP through OLD. I did go through a few frogs first before him grin]. Definitely take a step back if it’s getting you down and maybe go back to it when you feel like it? Your mindset is key. I just treated OLD like a bit of fun, without any major expectations, because I already had the kids, house etc.

I met my DP at 35, so it’s 100% doable. And now I’ve got a family etc. First of all, he was absolutely not what I was looking for. Older, not fantastic with money (renting!), but the kindest man I’ve ever met and we are v happy. Secondly - and probably most importantly - I did therapy before we met and it changed how I approached things (I figured if at 35, there had been a series of crap relationships and/or long periods of singleness, the only common denominator was me - so I had to work out what I was doing wrong.) I totally understand where you’re coming from - thought if I had to turn up to one more celebration of someone else’s sex life, I would go mad, but it’s totally possible to turn it around at 35. Good luck!

Are you flexible on your age range when looking? It might be better to look 10 years older and five years younger. Men your age are looking for 25 year olds generally.

I'm another one who cant see the problem with a renter.

Try to be more open and flexible.

Agree with others who say you sound like you need to take a break from OLD. I remember feeling the same and taking a break for about 8 months before signing up again and meeting my now husband when I was 36 (i'm now 41 and expecting our first baby . Online dating really can be brutal but there are some great men out there. People, will lie, be emotionally fragile, be looking for a pen pal rather than to actually meet etc. You just need to filter them out ASAP and move on. It's their problem not yours. I always tried to meet fairly quickly (within a week) so I didnt feel 2 invested. First date was a few drinks (no dinner or activities) to see if we wanted a 2 date (which in my mind is the real first date) if that wasn't mentioned soon I'd also draw a line under it. Might sound brutal, but it helped me remain positive during the process. Try not to lose hope.

@PerfidiousAlbion thanks, I do tend to match and meet people in their 30s so not sure that’s the issue. With renting it just makes me think we have different priorities. Ok in twenties but less so at 40?

@Whoevenknows79 thanks, it’s so draining and it almost makes me feel more alone . People say it’s numbers but seriously I’ve met loads and don’t think I’m picky really.

Divorced men often rent.

@CloudyButNice I think picky is a matter of opinion. You know what you want, but good to relax it a bit when meeting people (within reason). My preference was for someone who had never been married and who had no kids. But I would reply to guys who had if they approached me and looked nice. I wouldn't however date a smoker, or reply to guys who said they were not looking for a relationship as I was. On the house owning v renting front. I think this is a difficult one, especially when you are talking about people in London. Personally I wouldn't get to hung up on it in first instance. I bought a house at 29, my husband was 40 and renting when I met him. He's not from London and for a long time thought he would go back up north at some point. It can also be hard to buy in london if you're single and renting as it is hard to save. If you meet someone and want to protect your property there are ways for you to do that. Just remember they will bring lots of other good qualities even if they dont have a house/flat.