Help me find a way out from the relationship

[Timetoescape]

Firstly I’m sorry but this is likely to be a very rambling post, my head is all over the place. I’m also 30 weeks pregnant so my hormones are everywhere.

I’ve been with my OH for 10 years, 3rd child on the way. He was my first boyfriend. I think the reason I’ve put up with so much all this time is because I kind of thought this was the normal but it’s just got worse over the years When it’s good, then life is great and I really question myself for thinking like this.

I’m really struggling, I’ve known for many years that I’m not happy but no one will listen. OH says I’m spoilt, people would kill to have the life I have. I’ve tried speaking to my parents over the years and they also just say I’m so lucky to have him and how he provides for us. No ones knows truly what I’ve put up with for 10 years.

He’s both psychically and mentally hurt me over the years. He’s aggressive and short tempered but he hides it from others. He suffers from depression which he always blames me for, he has antidepressants but he refuses to take them and says it me that needs them. He physically hurts me and then keeps asking me if I’m sorry and to say sorry to him for my behaviour. It’s like he’s erased all his done to me in his head and truly believes he’s done no wrong.

I’m not depressed, I’m happy with everything in my life other than being with him. I feel stuck, there’s no way out. I have no money as we chose I’d stay at home to look after the children which I did really want too and wouldn’t change, but all my savings went on providing for them. He’s on a very good wage and he pays for all the bills, and still has a very decent amount left each month yet he won’t even help with buying our children birthday/Christmas presents. He says I’m selfish to ever complain about life as I have it so easy being at home with the children, not paying bills and living in a lovely house yet I still don’t appreciate it. I do appreciate everything but he thinks he can say and do anything for it. He controls me massively.

I put up with so much that I shouldn’t have too as I don’t want to let my children down. They have a great life but shouldn’t have to listen to constant arguments and see their dad flip out and shout and swear over the most littlest of things.

And now I’m pregnant I feel all my chance of leaving is frozen again. I literally don’t know what to do. If I was reading this myself I know I need to leave but I’m too scared.

He doesn’t help out at home or with the children at all, I’ve run the household, keep it spotless, have a home cooked meal made for him everyday despite how ill I’ve been feeling yet he calls me lazy all the time because I don’t have a job.

I don’t know where to turn to next and I don’t know what I’m hoping for by posting this but I’ve reached breaking point.

Have you told anyone about him hurting you? Your parents?

If not, you need to.

WOuld they be able to house you and the children?

It's vital you go....letting you use your savings on buying things for the kids was financial abuse and it sounds like that's still going on...in addition to the physical and mental.

Call Womens Aid OP....you can leave.

Tell your midwife. You can escape, and you must. There is support out there, and for your sake and your children's sake please seek help.

Leaving is hard, but staying is harder. You can do this

@Timetoescape you might want to ask @MNHQ if they can move this thread to the relationships board for you.

Would it help to figure out what you would need to be able to leave him? You seem to be at the point where you know you want/need to leave him but paralysed at the practicalities of it. Lots of us have been there so could maybe think it through with you? Also, I'd ask MNHQ to move this thread to Relationships. Many women there who know what you're going through.

Sounds awful. You need to speak to women’s aid or your local DV service as they’ll be able to help you. You’ll be able to google the details. Just make sure you do it in private and delete your search history when you’ve finished.

I wouldn’t be able to stay with my parents, it’s far to small for all of us plus they both suffer health issues so it’s a no go.

No one knows about him hurting me, I physically can’t bring myself to tell anyone. I feel so embarrassed by it all and allowing myself to put up with this for so long, he hurt me at the very beginning of the relationship not long after I had our first child and I know I should of left him then and I feel so stupid for allowing it to continue.

To anyone else they think I have the perfect life which is simply not true.

Please speak to your parents again. Make them listen! Take a friend with you, please!

I wouldn’t bother with parents, they could make it worse if they don’t understand. I’d go to a DV service first. There is no obligation from them to leave, but they’ll be able to give you your options.

The advise above about telling your midwife is very good.They can give you details of groups which can support you and advise you on the safest way of leaving this man.I would not tell anyone else at the moment as they might tell him and put you at risk.

The national domestic abuse helpline can advise you too: www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

It’s just so hard. I’m kicking myself for not being able to leave, but I’m sick with worry. I’m breaking up my family. All these things I’m asking myself in my head, where will I live, how will I even afford to pay for somewhere to live as I don’t have any money now let alone to have my own place and provide for my children.

I’m scared of the embarrassment of people just thinking I left what looks like a happy family for no reason. I know deep down I’m putting up with everything just for the safety of having somewhere to live, and my current lifestyle which other than the emotion and physical abuse looks perfect to outsiders. I’m so jealous of always reading on here how much people’s partners do for them and the their children and I just want the same.

Oh OP, this is so hard to read.
Please talk to your midwife or health visitor. They are there to help. They will be able to advise you and help you take the first steps.
I have never experienced anything that you have, but at one point me and my partner thought about separating. The thought of it was terrifying as I was like where do I go now? I really understand that feeling. But please for your safety and mental health try and get out. Please talk to friends, and go to your local council. They should help you with accommodation. It's going to be tough but you seem tough, you can do it. The future will be brighter, try not to dwell on what other people think. No ones life is perfect.

OP, you seem to think that what other people think matters...it does not.

You keep mentioning how you look like you've got 'the perfect life' when in reality, most people know there's no such thing.

Better to leave and be safe. Or your children will grow up in danger.

Here is a link to Women’s Aid in the UK.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

There is help out there for you. You don’t deserve to be abused.

Yes I’ve always had massive fear over what people will think of me, so it’s not helping the situation.

It’s just I know I need to get out and what I need to do but for some reason I’m just frozen.

Can you write down what you news to tell your midwife, put it in an envelope and give it to her?

Noone who is worth paying attention will think less of you for getting out of this relationship. You are doing g the right thing to protect your children.

Writing it down would be a good idea, I hadn’t thought to do that so that would definitely be a start in the right direction. I just need to focus on starting the near year as a fresh with my children.

Thank you for all the replies and help, it’s really appreciated. It’s the first time I’ve ever spoke out about it, so I feel I’ve made a step in the right direction.

Oh my love, this is utterly heartbreaking. You are amazing & strong & you can do this for your babies.

You need to talk to someone, a good friend, midwife, Women's Aid. And until then, start preparing. Get passports, anything you think might help, do you have access to any financial information?

You can do this xxxxxxxx

Breaking up a family and breaking up a happy family are two different things.

You don’t have a happy family. The older your children get the more they will absorb and you may find their behaviour becomes bad towards you and others.

As a husband and father he is an inadequate bully and certainly not a role model for your children.

Sadly, I have seen children grow up and take the side of the dominant partner, perhaps out of fear or perhaps because they have been influenced by the father picking on the weak and it’s better to be the bully rather than the bullied.

Do all you can to get you and your children out from under the same roof as him before your children’s minds are permanently twisted and you are still physically able to as the violence towards you is likely to escalate if you stay.

You are not overreacting, you are not ungrateful, you are not lazy. You are not to blame.

Coming to this decision isn't as easy as people think. You had many years of being conditioned to act a certain way and the consequences of not doing as you're told are hard to not think about.

To leave you need RL support. If your parents can't have you move in, could they help with some money?

One of the domestic abuse services mentioned is a really good idea as they really do understand.

You can do this.

Well done for posting on here OP, it really is a step in the right direction. You’ve had some good advice - please let your midwife know as a PP suggested. I know it seems overwhelming now but you WILL be ok and free of him if you seek help.

Bollocks to what anyone thinks about you leaving him. There is absolutely no reason on earth to stay with a violent bully. You aren’t breaking up your family either, you’re protecting your kids and yourself from a very unhealthy way of life

Op, I don’t say this at all to kick you when you’re down but I just want to say that your children don’t have a great life. I grew up in a similar household and it has destroyed my long term mental health- I prayed and prayed and prayed that my mother would leave but she never did. The children will know about the violence and the abuse even if they are in a different room when it happens. It was the soundtrack to my trying to fall asleep every night. Even now 30 years after leaving home I struggle hugely with anxiety and forming relationships.

It sounds as though your children are still young, please get them out before they witness too much more of it. Of course you should do it for your own sake too as you deserve much more, but please don’t think you are somehow doing the right thing for the children by staying, you will all be so much happier if you leave him

My heart is breaking for you OP.

Please make sure you leave him without warning. When the day comes he needs to come home and find you gone. If you warn him, you & your kids may be in grave danger.