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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

25 replies

1stMummytobe · 28/12/2020 02:19

Hi
Just looking for opinions on this....I have recently lost my baby unexpectedly and oviously it is an extremely difficult time for me and probaly causing me to be over sensitive but on Christmas Day I discovered my mother in law got my babies name Tattooed across her arm and I am absolutly fuming. I was never told it was done and I just got an awful shock when I saw this, I never mentioned that I had seen it and nobody in the family including my partner told me about it. I understand that it is also her grandson but I just do not like it I don’t think it was her place and I think it is so sneaky out of everyone to hide it from me this surly means they know it is wrong? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

CelestrialWarrior · 28/12/2020 02:20

Yes Yabu,

Ferrylass · 28/12/2020 02:34

No, you are not being unreasonable at all. No wonder it was such a shock, she should have discussed this with you.
I'm so sorry for your loss

Yoshinori · 28/12/2020 02:44

Sorry for your loss but yes x

Stompythedinosaur · 28/12/2020 03:04

She is mourning too. It doesn't sound like it was intended to cause you pain.

I'm sorry for your loss.

stuffedforchristmas · 28/12/2020 03:05

So sorry but I agree with the others

RainbowMum11 · 28/12/2020 03:22

I am so so sorry for your loss xxx
My daughter died almost 9 years ago (on NYE),,and although it is still raw for me, the rest of the family lost her too - her Grandparents, Aunts & Uncles and cousins.
It's impossible but it isn't just you that is grieving xx

Suzi888 · 28/12/2020 03:30

YANBU I’d find it incredibly insensitive.

RizzleDrizzle · 28/12/2020 03:33

Sorry for your loss, grief makes you feel things a bit differently to how you might normally react.

Your comment that does keeping it from mean they know it’s wrong- no, it means they know your grieving and your not able to process it logically and you might react this way. Their trying to protect you.

However, as others have said perhaps you are being unreasonable, or more in your grief reacting in a more than you would normally.

She’s lost her grandchild of course it’s her place to remember them in however she wants, just like you are, or any other relative.

Grief can do odd things to how you think and react. So maybe try and put aside this for now, and work out how you feel and how your mother in law feels when your not both over come with grief.

midsummabreak · 28/12/2020 03:36

You are not being unreasonable. Ok your whole family are grieving, and need to be free to express their grief in different ways, but why hide the ratio from the mother? I wouldn’t be able to to understand why MIL hid this and would feel strange about it. MIL wants the tattoo in a prominent place, so that her grief is visible to the public , yet she chooses to hide it from the mother of the child?

midsummabreak · 28/12/2020 03:36

tattoo

midsummabreak · 28/12/2020 03:45

Did she discuss the tattoo first with her son, and then chose to go ahead with his blessing only? Or did MIL discuss with family after already getting the tattoo of your child / her grandchild on her arm?

Soutiner · 28/12/2020 05:33

It would depend on the relationship she had with the baby.

If she had been regularly seeing your baby and was enjoying being a grandmother then I can understand her grieving to the extent she felt she had to have a tattoo as some kind of tribute.

But if she wasn’t close then it looks more like she is making it about herself and the tattoo is a way of her diverting attention towards herself.

inquietant · 28/12/2020 05:44

Yanbu in my opinion. When a parent loses a child, the family around them should try to support them I think, even though they have their own grief too. I personally wouldn't do any 'memorialising' that they would see without consultation, especially in the early stages.

But the best thing you can do is put it out of your mind and focus on your grieving process. for you, I am so sorry about your baby.

If the tattoo makes it hard for you to see that person, that's ok - you are entitled to do that.

Terracottasaur · 28/12/2020 05:49

I’m so terribly sorry for your loss - I can’t imagine how much pain you’re in.

I think your MIL should have spoken to you about the tattoo before doing it. She is obviously grieving too, but she should have shown enough sensitivity not to spring it on you.

I hope you are ok and that you find peace moving forward

poppingpotatoes · 28/12/2020 05:54

I am so sorry for your loss. Yanbu to be shocked by it, really they should have to,d you sensitively.

Original poster

1stMummytobe · 28/12/2020 10:00

She did have any relationship with the baby as he died during birth...she has done other things previous to upset me like asking me for his hair when we brought him home and also going to a medium to try and talk to him I bite my tongue with all this stuff but this was the last straw. I am so angry with her now and don’t want to be around her which is impossible

OP posts:

OhCaptain · 28/12/2020 10:03

It’s not impossible not to be around her. Just don’t see her for a while.

I know people handle grief differently but IMO you should be allowed to do what you need for yourself right now.

Regardless of whether the tattoo is right or wrong, it’s upsetting you right now. And maybe it won’t down the line.

But for now if you need distance then take it.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 28/12/2020 10:12

Yanbu at all.

You have went through the worst thing a parent can possibly go through.

She is obviously grieving, but it sounds like she is trying to take over.

Her role in the grief process is to support you and her son and look outward for support for her.

Asking for personal items and getting tattoos are far too much.

You should have been asked about the tattoo, this is your child's name.

I had a parent trying to take over when my child died, and its just the most awful thing to do to someone. In a situation where you have no control anyway, to have someone try and take over the things you do have control of is crushing.

I totally understand where you are coming from.

So sorry

SantasBritchesSpelleas · 28/12/2020 10:17

it looks more like she is making it about herself and the tattoo is a way of her diverting attention towards herself

I'm afraid I would agree with this. So sorry for your loss, OP.

FestiveStuffing · 28/12/2020 10:20

Very sorry for your loss, OP.

Morituritesalutant · 28/12/2020 10:22

I’m sorry for your loss

I don’t think YABU or YANBU
It’s obviously a shock to you that she’s done that. People do different thinks when they grieve and to commemorate lost love ones. I guess it’s just her way of doing so

Soutiner · 28/12/2020 10:23

You had the bond with your baby and whilst I can see her being upset about it, she has become a grief hijacker and her actions are in order so that people will be trying to comfort her.

Some may dismiss her as being a drama Queen but she is an emotional manipulator.

Attention seeking in this manner is very unpleasant and you are not being unreasonable in not wanting to see her or be drawn in to everyone feeling sorry for her.

You have your own grief to cope with and your healing and hope of finding some peace is being disrupted by the dreadful behaviour of this woman.

It’s not unreasonable of you to feel animosity towards her and to actively avoid her during this time.

RaininSummer · 28/12/2020 10:24

I think the tattoo combined with the other things you mention actually make the MIL sound very strange and rather narcissistic so it is rather unreasonable but best ignored as she seems barking mad. Very sorry for the loss of your baby.

Bluntness100 · 28/12/2020 10:27

I think this is awful and I’m so sorry op. Im appalled some people think this is acceptable from her. It’s not. You are the most important person here. Not her or her grief. It’s one of the most insensitive things I’ve ever read For her to do this.

Turtleturtle81 · 28/12/2020 10:29

Her behaviour is disgusting. I can’t believe someone would do that. I’m so sorry

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