Would this be nice? Trigger warning infertility b

[Kylorey]

My dear friend has had multiple rounds of ivf over the last few years and recently sadly lost a baby who stopped growing around 5 weeks (though took much longer to miscarry). This was her first pregnancy.

I want to send a care package with a few nice bits in. Just little things, I know it won't take the pain away but I can't hug her right now obviously and want to do something beyond phone and WhatsApp.

Anyway her and her husband had a nice nickname for this baby and I was wondering about one of the things being a candle and holder with the nickname on and maybe some nice words (maybe not). If anyone has been through similar to her would this be appreciated? Too much? Too chintzy? She worries about everyone before herself and worries about leaning on others too much so my thinking is it would be something she could light in private moments.

We have talked about the process the whole time the last few years, I've known when her appointments are etc and I've tried to support as much as possible (just for context, it wouldn't be strange for me to send something basically).

Any thoughts or ideas appreciated. I don't want to get it wrong. Thanks.

I really wouldn’t do anything with the nickname or specific references to names/dates etc. A care package is a lovely idea (chocolates, bath stuff, sleep spray etc) but miscarriage is such an intensely personal thing and with something like a personalised candle holder, there is just as much chance that you’ll unintentionally cause distress as there is that she’ll love it. I would have absolutely hated it, for what it’s worth, but I’m sure others would have loved it. It’s risky.

Thank you. That was my fear. Something hanging round the house with the nickname may be too much of a reminder, especially in the future. Perhaps I'll go more general.

Also sleep spray is a great idea!

I would also leave off personalised notes but candle and care package sound lovely. Im sure she’ll appreciate it

When my friend lost a baby, I got her a little crystal Angel. Just a tiny one that came in a little fabric bag. It was too small to be offensive but significant enough to show her I acknowledged her baby as a real being.
I think a care package sounds lovely, and you sound like a lovely friend. Maybe include a nice candle but possibly not the nickname as might be a bit much?

On thinking about it, it seems more obviously a bad idea.

The angel is nice. I think that's what I was going for - I want to acknowledge her baby as a real being. I think it's something others less close to her might shrug off a little and I don't want her to feel alone in her sense that she lost her baby, it wasn't 'just' an early miscarriage or whatever someone might say

My friend got me a charm for my bracelet called 'Mother's heart' Obviously I don't know if it's right for your friend but I meant the world to me, and still does.

I would have really appreciated this when we lost DS2. Anything that used his name, referenced him as having been here meant I didn't feel awkward talking about him. It's made it easier to be openly sad and thus heal slightly.

The SANDS website has some lovely things. I have a tea light holder that says "there is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on the world". Anything from there also goes towards helping families going through their worst days, so it's for a good cause. Might be an idea for you.

You sound like an incredibly kind friend xx

Care package for her is a great idea. As someone who had 3 MCs I can tell you that I felt different after each one, after the first one I wanted to see the reminders around the house, little angels, candles, bracelets etc. Then I did not and didn't want any new ones after MCs 2 and 3. It's very difficult to explain, but I think sny keepsakes are for your friend to get herself if she needs them. A care package for her is however a wonderful and thoughtful idea. You are a very thoughtful friend. I had two massive bunches of flowers, cards and messages off my friends and colleagues and knowing that I wasn't alone was very helpful. The loveliest thing was when my friend just spontaneously took a day off and came to look after me. Of course you can't be there physically now but what you're doing is great xx

Sorry, it was from 4Louis. Another excellent charity who provide memory boxes to hospitals for families going through miscarriage, baby loss, and stillbirth.

This is where he tea light holder is from

OP your friend is so lucky to have you. Love the little angel idea mentioned by @SandysMam - I’ve been through baby loss - a friend gave me a little star decoration for our Christmas tree and it was perfect for us. The fact that she had the guts to try and choose a little thing like that really touched me (no one else did; which I understand as it’s such a tough one) and we hang it on the tree every year even now, years later.

Whatever you choose I think your friend will be moved and grateful, acknowledging the baby as a real being as you say, is not something many people do in these circumstances. It meant the world to me whenever anyone was as kind and empathetic as you sound.

for your friend, I hope 2021 is kinder to her.

My best friend posted bars of chocolate through my letterbox and leant me 2 of her favourite books to read. I spent the few days waiting to go into hospital for my surgery, mostly in bed, with a hot water bottle for cramps, eating sweets/chocs and reading books and magazines.
Another friend left a nice orchid plant on my doorstep.
The care package sounds like a lovely idea. Anything that shows you're thinking about her, will be really appreciated I'm sure x

Just saw the posts from @AlexaPlayWhiteNoise - I’m so sorry for your loss of your little DS. I second what you said about 4Louis, they are a wonderful charity who provided our memory box. Worth a look on their site definitely.

@Thousandmiles

OP your friend is so lucky to have you. Love the little angel idea mentioned by *@SandysMam - I’ve been through baby loss - a friend gave me a little star decoration for our Christmas tree and it was perfect* for us. The fact that she had the guts to try and choose a little thing like that really touched me (no one else did; which I understand as it’s such a tough one) and we hang it on the tree every year even now, years later.

Whatever you choose I think your friend will be moved and grateful, acknowledging the baby as a real being as you say, is not something many people do in these circumstances. It meant the world to me whenever anyone was as kind and empathetic as you sound.

for your friend, I hope 2021 is kinder to her.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little one thousandmiles. I have been so incredibly fortunate with my friends who have been the most amazing bunch, I genuinely couldn't have got though our loss without them. So to hear about other wonderful friends really warms my soul.

4Louis provided our memory box too, they are amazing and I plan to donate a memory box monthly.

Sorry for your poor friend. When i had a miscarriage i would have hated someone to use my babies nickname idk why i even hated my mom using it. But my mom got me an ornament with an angel baby and my sister got me a bracelet with footprints that had a small poem about miscarriage and i loved them both and the acknowledgement that my baby did exist. You know your friend better than us though if she would like stuff like that. Oh my sister also got me a care package with bath bombs, hot choc sachets, sweets and stuff in i really appreciated.