If you were bullied at school..

[ThunderBolt23]

Are you ashamed/embarrassed to say you were to other people?

I ask as I recently had a conversation with an acquaintance and we got on to the topic of bullies (as her DD had been bullied). She explained how she handled it etc, but it got me thinking that when I started talking about bullies I never actually said I’d been bullied too as I felt embarrassed to say so. Whenever I have said it to people, I do feel shame even DPs mum! If someone else told me they were bullied I’d never judge them or think less of them so wondering if this feeling is ‘normal’? Even though it was years ago and I've grew into myself. I'm now 28 have an okay job (stable and could easily progress), own my home with DP, engaged, currently pregnant with DD2 and have a 2 year old.

I think of myself as confident and outgoing now, so people do tend to be surprised when I've opened up (on the rare occasions). I was painfully shy in school particularly primary school when the bullying started. I was about 6/7 - 14/15 (so approx year 3 - year 10). I had counselling when I was around 16 which did help but I am still riddled with insecurity on my appearance but have sort of learnt to live with it.

I have NC for this but interested to hear what other people’s feelings are on this

I was, and would be embarrassed to tell people IRL even now (about 30 years later).

Illogical as I’d not think badly of anyone else saying it.

It's very common OP. Most people who have been bullied either internalise the pain - assume it's their fault, something is fundamentally wrong with them etc or externalise it. Lash outwards becomes angry and cynical about people.

For me it’s a bit like with DV. I was in an abusive relationship and many women have said to me “I wouldn’t let someone treat me like that” or “if a man ever raised his hand to me I’d be gone”. So to me they’re saying I’m weak to have put up with it. I was also bullied as a kid, but feel people again will see it as a weakness in me that I “allowed” myself to be bullied.

I'm not embarrassed to admit it. It wasn't my fault .

As I work with kids I often use it as a teaching tool /make it more tangible and real.

They're always horrified I was being bullied for being fat, they're outraged on my behalf,they try to reassure me I'm not fat and I'm great and they love me , then comes the look on their face that the things they do or say are exactly what was done to me.

But then again I talk quite freely about a lot of things that have been traumatic in my life . They don't define me,but some of them are why I am where I am, behave or think the way I do. I don't have the patience to mollycoddle people into it. If they can't cope with it, that's their problem.

In my case I did find that shame and guilt thrives when it's hidden and it lessened the more I was honest. Now they're just things that happened, rather than heavily guarded secrets.

I was definitely ashamed of when when I was younger - after I left school I went to college in a different area and tried to reinvent myself so to speak and would always dread my new “cool” friends somehow meeting people from school who might “expose” me.

I’m 30 now and very honest about it. It was utterly traumatising at the time but as I’m now a very confident adult with a lot of friends I find it easy to admit - just today I actually made a jokey off hand comment to one of my friends about how it was “no wonder I got bullied in school” (Making reference to the fact I was still wearing vests at age 14 🤣) which may sound odd but I’m now someone who enjoys taking the p out of myself and not taking myself too seriously (after many years of taking myself far too seriously!!)

The only people I've ever told (my parents, my ex husband a couple of ex friends), all said they weren't surprised and it was probably my fault.

So I'd never tell anyone again.

@xbambi I totally get what you did! I was bullied at school. When I went to uni I told a girl that I was the bully and how I used to terrorise the geek girls. I was a geek girl who didn’t bully anyone! I think the girl I told gave off bully vibes and I thought she might think I was cool and not bully me!? It still makes me cringe when I think about it.

When I grew up I spoke of being bullied openly. I know some younger people who are struggling with bullies and I speak about it around them. I know it would have helped me to know grown ups around me had it bad too and they got through it. I used to feel very alone and my mum used to try to get me to change to stop it. Sorry that’s a bit rambly, I’ve just spent Christmas with my mum and she does trigger me!