Narcissism versus going Non Contact.

[Salapandas]

Please can someone explain the difference to me?

I have done some things I am not proud of recently and in the past as well, but I have apologised (or at least tried to). I feel I have always taken responsibility, have tried to change but it seems nothing I do is ever good enough.

Please can someone explain the difference between narcissism (particularly regular silent treatment, feeling like I am walking on eggshells, losing the ability to make my own decisions without their being an argument, always being the one to have to take responsibility and apologise, not having boundaries kept that I have set), not being held to the same behaviours as other family members (so they can do something, but when I do it there is something wrong with it), and me making a choice to go non contact with my family?

Is choosing to go Non Contact just the same as giving people the silent treatment in terms of narcissistic behaviours?

(Not even sure if Narcissism is the correct word - this person can be lovely, caring and helpful towards others).

No it isnt. The silent treatment is part of a range of behaviours used to control and manipulate.
When you go no contact there is no attempt to control; just the opposite. You let go of all the drama and walk away. There is no attempt to change the behavior of the other person and no negotiation.

@Thelnebriati That's what I want, I am so exhausted and I am being blamed for so much, I am just tired of always walking on egg shells, always being blamed and always having to apologise.

Just want to be able to make a decision without having to worry about the consequences.

I cannot figure out another way to do that - feel like I have tried everything.

The silent treatment is manipulative. It's different from needing space or not wanting to have contact with someone ever again. It's aim is to grind the person down and not give them the opportunity to explain their point of view until eventually they give in an apologise.

If you're genuinely going non-contact that's different. You're not trying to manipulate the other person into doing what you want you just literally don't want to see them anymore.

Its actually a two part process, one part is you break contact, and the other (which is more important imo) is you have counselling and work on yourself. You have to learn to recognise your own behaviour patterns and change the ones that aren't working.

Now if I meet members of my family, its no big deal and I'm indifferent to their drama but its taken some time to get there.

Thank you so much, I am already doing the therapy bit. But I still get trapped in these repeating cycles. It was actually a colleague who pointed out the silent treatment was so wrong and damaging, and a few therapy sessions talking about my silenced feelings.

I would love to get to a point where I could communicate with them with no drama.

I'm currently in the process of going NC with a narc who is giving me silent treatment.
There is a massive difference - intention. The intention of silent treatment is to punish, confuse and make you beg for them.
The intention of NC is to get them out of your life for good.

NC is also the only boundary that will ever work with a narc as they take delight on trampling over all others. But its a boundary you need to defend vigorously.

Its the best thing I ever did, but you misunderstand my post. I still go out of my way to avoid them. When we meet its accidental and unavoidable, and there is no chance of any communication between us. They haven't changed, its just that they can no longer drag me into it. I don't care. I'm indifferent.

You are right, I did misunderstand.

I guess, I would hope I would become resilient enough in the future to at least go to a funeral say (likely there is a few coming up sadly...)

I would love to get to a point where I could communicate with them with no drama.

This won't happen sadly. They'll be good while you're 'behaving' and then once you do something 'wrong' you'll see the drama again.

@gluteustothemaximus that's exactly what happens!

I really, really hate it.

This is worth remembering.

I've had to cut out entire family over 2 people, as they sided with them. It was very difficult to do. And there is guilt (because chances are, you are an empath) but you will heal and move on.

You cannot live your life on egg shells. Silent treatment is really nasty. My mother did this all the time, even as an adult, to punish me.

I'm done with people who control you through anger or silence.

I cannot, cannot, live this short life we have, surrounded by abusive manipulative people, and neither should you OP.

Be kind to yourself. I'm guessing you've got some self esteem issues, which have stemmed from always being blamed for everything and always having to apologise

The concept of "dropping the rope" might help you see the difference.

www.oprah.com/omagazine/martha-beck-self-esteem-or-narcissism

I suppose the only thing to consider is any DC who are under 18, if you choose to go NC. How you explain it to them.

Yes gluteus, it's hard initially but so worth it... People go through hard times, arnt themselves etc.. But some people are just plain nasty and can't control themselves.

I don't have DC, I want to this year (which they are against...) so it's another factor for doing this.

Thanks for the tug of war explanation, that is helpful.

Off to get a new phone sim now so I can swap all friends contacts over. Not entirely sure a supermarket will sell them but let's see.